Man I am a manic mess sometimes...re-reading my rapid fire thoughts confuse me now...It seems I had a lot to say and such a short time get there before I went in another direction. How anyone could read me and not see the fractured thoughts...idk...still there is good stuff in the middle of my madness I think...so I will repost this one as well.

take a deep breath, it’s a long one this time!

Back to the way back, baby…
Reflection of the truth I stumbled around a while back. Time has no effect on me, because it just runs away from me so quickly. My peeps remember with laughter how my clock is set to one time and one time only…I ,uh don't change the time during time change because it messes with my head…I lose myself…I must know what time it REALLY is…so they all call it 'Mary time'… but you just gotta add or subtract the real time or whatever…whatever that means. My clock doesn't change.
Yah, my new boss has only just met me ,but he already knows me better then most people… he told me the other day, 'why is it when I talk to you, I feel like I am chasing my own tail!' teehee… I am not sure if I am offended by that or not…hmmm. Funny thought though, I do know that!
Anyway, that was not why I started writing today. I saw a picture yesterday. It was a picture of the girls. It was taken on a day that haunts us when we sleep. Fate had found it and asked if we could throw it away…burn it…or tear it up? I wouldn't let her, because… They were so small, so young… strange how one picture in time can take you back to a place in your head…negating all the history and truth that pulled you out of the pit of nasty that in one instant tried to kick the breath outa ya the first time around. It's like in a movie, all you get to see is the tunnel vision…like everything zooms into that one instant. And the feelings you had in that one instant crashes into your now, overpowering the peace you tentatively hang onto. 'Breathe', the voice in my head shouts…'breathe…your not there , it's not happening now, your out… breathe, deep breaths.'
Uh, That's not the point either…
The point is… taking responsibility in my history. Remember random and purpose…yah, I wasn't insane when I wrote that...not quite… just chasing my own tail, man. (I have always understood the Cheshire cat in Alice in wonderland.) Random…random things causing chaos in spite of your purpose or maybe because of your purpose. I am not going to go back to read what I wrote…I hate to do that… my old writing is like smoke…or dominoes. I build upon them until I can get to the other side…right or wrong...I don't care… it's who I am …no apology's…please don't make me go back and dissect what I said once…It's degrading and demoralizing for me. I'm already way past it, baby…are you tripping over my thoughts of yesterday, oh well, wait until you hear what I think today! Psht… mortals, teehee …just kidding! Tina, if your reading this: I can feel your eyes rolling.
I like to read Lord Byron, right...he said one time when asked, why does he write , he said I don't want you to become me, or even like me, I want you to take my thoughts and find your own way there, or around them… if ya can…or not…your call. Ok yah, I paraphrased, but there it is. Ya know build your own history and if my thought made you think about something…then I am done. I feel liberated...again, no apology's. Chasing your own tail, right. If you don't like it then stop reading it…right, just because it's there and handed to you. you don't have to take a hit off it…right? Just say no…right? I can, and have said , no for over 11 years now, no thanks ,man I got a better high then you can find in this world!!!!
I digressed again, dancing around the pain in the telling of the truth.
It was my fault. I was the adult and I left my girls in the care of others, innocently.
We all have choices, right? Random will slap you silly… sometimes. But the truth inside random is that there can be a purpose to it, if ya let it. But first you must take the responsibility of your actions, however innocent, however simple it seems...people will sometimes get hurt... Even when you mean no one any harm. Your innocently trying to do what you think is best for everyone and someone gets hurt.. Random.
Take responsibility for it so you can move forward.
It's like this…
I didn't mean for someone to hurt my children. It was never even a thought in my head… innocently I took my girls to a free babysitter. Something terrible happened. I didn't cause it. I didn't ask for it. I didn't invite it. I didn't even fathom the possibility. But wham! Random came and brought its friend chaos and raped our collective souls.
Crying, no,no… screaming out to Him…. my love, the maker of my soul. I raged why… "Ripples…ripples from the pebble thrown into the pond." You throw two pebbles in, no matter how far apart their thrown, the ripples will eventually run into one another causing an effect, right? I could sit back and scream , I didn't mean for that to happen, but it wouldn't change their history, it would only cause them more pain? Denial is a real bitch. Just because I didn't mean for something to happen it didn't take away the trauma of the random happening. I had to take my part in their history, my bad choice, my decision, my pebble. I had to say my sorry… Our councilor argued… hell everyone argued…and we stayed in our own circle of hell, until I looked my daughter in her angry eyes and told her my sorry for my wrong choice. I meant no harm …BUT, my pebble caused a current that could not be taken away no matter what we did...it would remain…no matter how hard we prayed ,no matter how hard we tried to ignore it...it was there. No do-overs. History is complete in the instant you breath. You can't take back some things…you can't pretend it isn't there. What's done is done. Call it what it is. Take responsibility for it. Name it, tame it, but you can't control it…it is what it is. Cogs in the wheels right? We don't mean to hurt other people …we just do by mere randomness. Our intent must matter, yes , but responsibility of our misguided intent must be analyzed first.
Meaning no harm, but causing a ripple in the pond of our existence is our personal responsibility to learn from … or , comprehensively… to give into. Releasing yourself into the random, allows the purpose to emerge beautifully. Take a breath and allow the beauty of your ripples...it's like taking your hands off the death grip of yesterday to get to the promise of today. Ahhhhh. that's it, man. It's when I took my hands off my version of reality, and what everyone else was telling me, and let Jesus show me the promise He had for me… I saw the truth. Undoing me to find Him…oh, oh, oh that's it , man…teehee, I love living inside my head… or, ya know… you can just have another drink, smoke another joint, live inside your own pride, live inside your self created destiny, deny your responsibility in the chaos around you...ya know… whatever…Or take the truth and bring it very close to your face and kiss it seductively even when there is unbearable pain.. There is beauty in the truth however painful it is. When you come out from the dismal belief in a half truth you can find the inner working of the cogs and wheels and not be scared…
….if your scared…go to church… ha, ha, ha …sorry! inside joke…some of my readers will get that and if you don't get it … don't get offended … it wasn't meant for you, baby. Ahem, your not my only reader. Remember, I belong to heaven. I know who defines me! I know who I am…do you?
The end of my tail is simple, yet unyielding…I'm not gonna stop writing…it's who I am, who I have always been, who He created me to be. The Written word creates intimacy, between the writer and the reader...it always has…it always will. If you don't get that...I don't know why your even reading me! I read blogs all the time and I comment the writers…all the time. Intimacy is important for me, it propels me to new levels. I take full responsibility for the intimacy I relate and try to propel forward, but as a reader, you must take responsibility for your own passionate responses. Knowing the writer should not deviate the feelings of intimacy, or incur the wrath of the emotions that are provoked by the written word. That would be your bad… or your childish rejection of a innocent thought that got deep into your soul, in spite of yourself. Ya know, show you who you fear you have become. Muah!…always…muah!
Reminds me of the time I drove my friend through a group of protestors at an abortion clinic…they didn't know what was going around our heads.,…they didn't know as we drove away from them that she was still pregnant, because instead of me telling her and controlling her destiny and becoming her god I let Jesus do what He came to do. I let God be God, because I have complete faith in His abilities…and I know I am only human and mortal. I don't want to screw anything up He is trying to do and I know His ways are so way better then mine…yah, her baby is now almost one and everyone still wants to fight about it…
Mystical, really …holding a baby that you fought for; without saying a word…living and breathing His beauty, His love, His glory…not mine, not me… I'm a speck in the dust… but authentic beauty releases me to the truth of His love...and she now is one of us...whoop, whoop… who would have thought a thought like that… a nice complete family reaching out for the kingdom of heaven, maybe not from your history…not the way anyone thought they would get there…but getting there anyway…in spite of the obstacles. I took me out, I left me behind… I let my dramatic, and fervent prayers be answered and now we have one family more for His glory! Not mine…not me, man. Being a disciple to His people as He would if He were with them, instead of us; mere mortals trying to control the outcomes before us. If I have learned anything from my history it is that my way is not always His way…I don't get it when I am in the middle of the chaos or trauma that I feel around me…but I have utter faith that He will bring it to an end and I will have complete understanding if I take my death grip off of it and let Him lead me. It was a hard lesson for me, as I am such a control freak, and I know what should happen to make my picture perfect life complete. I mean I absolutely know what I want to happen to make everyone happy… but I can't make everyone happy.(I sooooo wanted to tell her exactly what to do…I mean I am older and wiser and…of course killing is wrong….but it wasn't about me, was it? ..I wasn't even a trespasser into her mind…I had to be a blank slate . He had to be there in my place.) Telling her what to do is not my job. My job is to love, indiscriminately…unquestionably…and absolutely. Bring the love ,baby…the rest will follow…let yourself go and become crazy in love…gotta ,gotta have it…I'm a love a love addict!!!
"Live vivaciously, love deeply, and pray fervently.
Remember to give with simplicity and serve with humility.
Still, observe that meekness does not necessitate weakness.
Therefore, when challenged by obstacles, fight with tenacity."
T.D. Jakes
Oh yeah! Nothing in the world more attractive than a man on his knees at the alter of Christ…oh yeah…It's a big world and I have seen many things lately …I glimpsed a piece of heaven last Sunday… I felt the pull of authentic belief as a young man , with not one thing left to him… let his face crumple into a mask of absolute remorse and fear. He stumbled to the alter of my God and lay at the feet of the only hope he could feel as his world collapsed into the oblivion he thought he had control of. The utter pain and humility and total disregard of anything else in this world receding from his tentative grasp on this world left him clutching and grasping at a Deity I intimately know and love. I was humbled…unreservedly humbled by the love of Gods grace and love…
humbling yourself to the will of Jesus Christ is a beauty that equates to nothing else. I've been roaming for awhile now. Roaming inside the confines of where He directs me to visit. Picking up pieces of life and discarding the negative as I go and seek His face, My Being a watcher into the service of other Disciples… watching those around me reach out to a Deity, that they know is the only thing that can save them when they are down to that last breath…ahhhhhh...That's my peeps, man… gotta, gotta have it. Love addict….That's where I want to live, and praise and love…A disciple… a revolutionist… absolutely, and utterly alive in a second of time. Breathing deeply the love that is offered, however tentatively and fearfully. Offering it anyway… There is ,I think authentic beauty in the stunning fear of the Deity that created me. Or ,ya know…I could be wrong…just a thought I am currently chasing. Wanna run with me????