another disclaimer...I wrote this one year out from a five year court trial. Is a little scattered,but ya thats how I write...sometimes.

ha! I found it!!

Ok. Let me be up front with you…k? I am completely and irreversibly lost in my postings. I have written so many things…I am like…lost. I don’t know if I have let you in on all my secrets or not…hmmm.
I want to talk about a conversation I had today, but I don’t know if I have written about it…or if I wrote about it and didn’t post it…cuz that happens a lot…Aggggg, I hate how disorganized I am…
Ok…what ever…I write to much , I talk to much, I think to much, I smoke to much, I am way to much!!!!! My boobs are to big for my shirt, I should wear my hair different, I should wear clothes that fit me and not hang off me…I should say yes to the guys that ask me out, I have way to many personalities… AHEM!!! can you tell I had lunch with my mother today???? OMG I pick at my daughters all the time too…I suck…. I will be better, I will be better, I will be better… psht, I’m getting ready to yell at them right now. Sometimes I have to silent scream in my head…. We went to the grocery store today…I know, I know its my fault, why do I ask them what they want if I am going to argue and get mad when they don’t pick what I want….Man I am annoying… Why would I ever think three distinct personalities could co exist and want the same things.
A guy I work with looks at me all the time and innocently provides the answers to all my conundrums… psht! what is it with men always having a good answer to the processing of my thoughts… and then telling me how I should do things instead of the way I do them… I’m not living in the thoughts. right girls...I’m processing the stupidity of my annoying emotions. I won’t stay in the processing I will get to the other side and be o….k…. I may start out here and go there and then back over here and say some really terrible things in between…but uh, yeah I don’t live there...I will get to the end and then be ok and done with the thought…Don’t tell me how to fix it… Or don’t go and tell everyone what I thought for that instant of confusion, on my way to get to the other side of the truth… just listen and smile…be a friend, and tell me something that makes you crazy too. And don’t think I live in all the processing thoughts that got me to the end of it...because I will look at you with genuinely innocent eyes, not understanding why your looking at me that way. Uh, I have already, with the help of true friends , that don’t distribute my private in a moment of anger or pain or rage or confusing processing thoughts, reached the other side of my thought and found a truth waiting for me…I’m not existing in the confusion, pain, disbelief, or anger anymore…uh, what’s wrong with you??? Why are you mad??? Being a girl sucks! King Solomen said, “ I have been all over and found few righteous men…and no righteous women“… yah! I know, I wanted to argue…but ,uh, well I do agree. Girls are mean, yet soft and sweet and full of grace… teehee, come on I am the mother of two little girls…I get the whole drama thang! Processing thoughts is a part of who we are… I tell the girls just be careful who you process with. Friends keep secret thoughts secrets…bitches share the parts that will make them look good even to the detriment of others ,sure it might cripple the person they are telling the secrets too, but what do they care…as long as they look good, they don’t care how it makes anyone else feel …right? Yep! Some girls are bitches. Ok,ok all girls are bitches, its what you do with the bitchiness that counts. Do you keep it to yourself or share with the world you live in??? I got told last night I am a big bitch, or wait that I was being a big bitch…I didn’t argue. I love being with real people that can call it like it is and call me out on my bitchiness… so refreshing, oh so tasty! I looked him dead in the eyes and told him he was being a dick. And then we walked away from each other… and then went back together again…because who else is going to tell us the truth about ourselves when we are busy lying to our collective souls. I don’t need another fake, non-real person reinforcing the lies I try to live in to keep me in the same level of existence I have surrounded myself with. Give me validity or give me death, man.
Ok, ok I was talking about dinner with my parents, with no wine in sight either… A sober conversation about crap I don’t want to talk about. I am in hell!!! They choose a topic that they always go to…no matter where we are. They are still processing… and their confusion makes my heart ache.
Realizing now I was not alone in my battle for justice, I merely felt all alone. I only felt like I was fighting the whole freaking world. I was being watched, and analyzed and quoted and … I was not alone. I don’t know, it really felt like I was alone. Hmmm, now that all the dust has settled and everyone has come to the conclusion that I really am not what a select few say that I am….because I have no history of their perception of me… and they sat in the courtroom and watched the lunacy unfold as the hilarity of the drama was exaggerated to the extreme…
….truths were told, now they can be told without overstretched emotions… which is to say, they are not as scared of me now…as they once were when I was in constant pain, and unbelievable terror. I don’t swing out the first thing that moves now… I am not filled with passionate hate and mistrust of everyone…yeah, I feel the love of my master ,now…so truths were told.
…. I listened intently as they spoke of their still constant hate and rage and…I couldn’t feel any of it. Humph, what a trip…nothing…no pain, no remorse, not apathy either…just, just, just… hmmm, ‘yah the persps are sad, and God hates the sin ,but doesn’t hate the sinner and they too could be forgiven‘…and still nothing, no pain, no rage, no utter sickness. Where the hell did Mary go????
…… I took people on a journey I didn’t want to go on…but we all went anyway…pebbles in a pond.
My niece, well my niece by marriage was 19 and just married when the horror show began…
…………..so young, and trusting… She is one of my favorite people in the whole world… soul mates…I’ve known her my whole life. We met when she was 17., I think I was thirty. … and then the unthinkable happened…how do you process that when your so young and childless. She used to leave me notes and lyrics to songs on my door…I don’t think anyone could look me in the eyes. Raw, absolute pain is hard to look at for very long and I tried to make everyone see mine., vividly. She encouraged me when I thought I might drown in my anguish. She brought me Jesus’ words, and scriptures. She made me get up and walk again, after I had already wrapped my burial clothes around me and my children. She helped me find me again, had she known me before??? Muah! Brittany! Love, love, love!!!!

…my horror show had a cast of many players… Each one had a part to play in my melodrama. Each one tried to shine a light into my dark world that I tried to keep everyone out of.
many important characters…
My sister, who had to come and play an actual on camera role. Her role got bigger and bigger as the days progressed. She never even tried out, she was just thrown in at the last minute. Always reliable, always willing to do her part… always willing to get a little dirty , and like me , laugh at you for laughing at her. That is my sister who I miss. 20 whole miles away. I wish everyone could see you as I see you Kim.
Her daughter played an extremely, extremely, extremely important role. Did I say extremely? She was my rock...and she married and had her first child in the middle of it… and many other incidents and traumas. My rock...yeah she was my rock… never wavering, always believing, always understanding…and if you knew what a b--- she was…humph , really though , I aint gonna lie…my rock. Sometimes you need a b--- in your life...I think… Samantha I hope one day you see, and know who you are…you are my rock, and you probably thought I was the strong one…Although it was your strength that kept me going!
………My friends…oh my many friends… how sick they had to have been to hear my drama…one more time, yet if I didn’t give updates they called to see what was happening… not for excitements sake, as I had a lot of those too. But real run for the tissue friends who called everyone you hated a s.o.b and explained very vividly how they should die. I fear naming them, but you know who you are…
….even small parts were important to me…I think about all the little things my village did for us.
……..Important men in my childrens life, I know I’ve blogged those before…
it was like we had our own little cheering section…
..funny, how I didn’t feel it when I was in it…I only felt the exceptionally few who called me names.
…I remember one women, she had heard I was a bitch from the perpetrators, she walked up to me to be introduced to me by my niece, she said she wanted to meet the biggest bitch in Blackwell… looking her dead in the eyes, I said flippantly, “don’t f--- my children , and we should get along peachy.“ (insert a big f---ing smile) I know, I know I lose control of my mouth all the time.
Forethought, Mary…forethought ..
I still suck at that…I never think before I act, or speak. Is that why people are afraid to talk to me?…truth flies out of my mouth, kind of regurgitating up on them their secret fears and facades??? Oh, Well I must suck, then.
People remind me tentatively, of our tortured history…and look at me surprised as I no longer feel the pain or the hate or the rage…anything other then love…hmmm, I have seen the perps. I look at them with real sadness, how black they must feel inside… how lost they must be… how ugly they look… lost, sad, lonely, and tortured… God told me a long time ago… they will always be that, but you, Mary…you will be great… you will be fine…you will find your way free from the pain…So , ahem…as Abram before me…I proclaimed His words and spoke myself into that existence…Mary the great…and I feel great… words, man…words have power…Overwhelmed with love … I have found myself very addicted… I could never go back to anything less then where He is… at the detriment to whatever doesn’t line up to His words, His love, His peace…I don’t have time for the drama...I ,uh …already reached my quota. I feel peachy, baby…oh so tasty.
….I look around at the people I made come with me on my journey and I feel like I have left them behind…I tried to take them with me…I realize that we are all keepers of our own souls…I know this truth… but at the same time I don’t want them to feel the pain as deeply as I once did. I recognize that pain and it feels horrendous, demanding and ugly.
I tried through my blogs to bring them with me to the end of who I was… to be who I am… to propel the truth to who we all are…so they too could reach the end of themselves without my apparently damaging trauma and turmoil creating misplaced faith to find the truth inside authentic love. I am still trying to undue the thing I had become… Lincoln park, man… If you went on my ride to other side of faith and you got lost…I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to mislead you…I was just busy pulling the mask from my face and finding the truth hidden beneath. Life really is beautiful, really it is. Thank you Nikki!