unknowing the unknown

Daydreaming through a teardrop.
Sensing the Freefalling echo as it races down my cheek.
Remembering yesterday has never been as arduous as when trying to imagine tomorrow.
While yesterday is a collage of happiness mixed up in regret, folded up nicely like an origami puzzle. Tomorrow is a vastly empty bright nothingness that will not share its secrets with me.
Stinging thoughts vaporize my memory as I stretch my unknowing mind to comprehend now…
Now what.
Now when.
Now.
Now is an uncompromising bitch that threatens to devour me on dark days, and merely mocks me with an empty blank stare as I search through what I had thought I known from yesterday.
Unknowing the clumsy known.
I examine the travesty of reckoning with time.
Time is endless.
…and a baffling facade of incoherent theories, troubling proclamations and never ending hypothesis.
We do not know.
We really only know the tiny ribbons that connect us…
We do not know what time is, how it was created, if it always was, or if perhaps we created it to overlay the troubled reasoning our mind creates deep in the night.
The more I know the less I’m sure of…
Troublesome yet irreversible is the quantum that chases me when I try to rest.
Dire warnings go unheeded as I travel the realm of lunacy.
I cannot stop to ponder the mere thoughts of others as I dunk my spirit into the babbling brook of what I do not yet know.
I seek to dismiss. I seek to reason. I seek to find my peace.

Confession…introspection…

I believe that I killed my Q.

My thoughts swirl like a bastard wind that won’t stop blowing.

I fear my thoughts, so I shut them down, refusing to look at them as they hurl themselves into my understanding.

I can’t abide for my eyes to be open. I do not deserve to see.

The world quakes with blurred sight as the tears cascade down my face.

I hate where I work.

It is a stupid place to work.

We have no answers.

We merely create, then ignore the quest.

I told him to walk away.

…just walk away.

Get the fuck away from your crazy chick.

Crazy chicks will put you in jail.

Then I will have to change jobs.

My personal little crusade will be for nothing.

And it will be your fault.

I killed him.

He walked away..

…and then he died.

My thoughts tangle themselves around my throat and gently squeeze the life out of me.

I shall let them.

I do not fight for breath…but breath comes anyway.

Nausea and fatigue are my soul mates.

I have no answers to give them anymore.

I don’t know how to make the ignorant things stop happening.

My advice will kill a person.

My mouth should be sealed shut.

I no longer speak freely, I begin to think…but it must be kept silent.

I have no answers.

I am inside out with questions.

I have spent some glorious time blaming others.

But I know, that it was my words that lead him away that night.

I know.

She was just being who she was and what she will always be... psychotic.

Living is dangerous business.

Teaching is a minefield of FUCK!

Who we are is what we say.

I am a killer.

And I am a disastrous mess of simple answers to complex enigmas.

306 words and I am no closer to retribution.

The earth should swallow me whole.

It is not the purge that is the point.

The purge could never ease the disgrace.

I admit there will be no absolution to the wound I pick at to keep me awake.

I no longer seek…

Seeking is pointless.

We can all dance around the words…and words have such power….such power.

I found no solace in the blaming…

It merely is what it fucking is.

To late to rethink.

Thinking is what caused this great tragedy.

Thoughts are evil.

Evil is merely the absence of God.

Rambling, shambling unease will qualify the audacious.

I cannot lead. I cannot speak. I cannot.

They pull me into a room to understand the circumstance.

I have lost my words.

I fake the answer.

I talk in circles to alleviate the drama.

I shouldn't be there.

Still, I know and comprehend more than most, but it is not good enough.

The effects of the medicine washes over my soul, as I try to disembark from the rest.

Silent calm eases the fire in my mind.

I should not be calm… I do not deserve the whiteness of bliss.

I gulp the tranquility because I am human…merely mortal…merely a girl.

I was a girl who told him to get away from the crazy to save himself…but instead it killed him.

none

  hmm, So my daughter has asked me to help her to write a paper for her.  She asked me to read it and help her think about what else she needs to say. The paper is on schizophrenia.
    so I read it just now.
I don't think I can do it.
I think I will have to think about it longer then the time allowed to hand the paper in.
Imokimokimokimokimoimok
fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

                       tripped into the damn rabbit hole again.
fucking rabbit.
        she has quoted quite a few statements of mine... I wonder if I'm right?
I wonder if she is going to cite my delicate thought pattern at the bottom of the page.
I wonder if the Cheshire cat is hiding in the branches above my head...or in my head...I'm confused.
Sometimes I amuse me...most of the time, though I wear myself out thinking... I get so sick of hearing my thoughts amplified inside my mind.
   I wish they were always in my voice...then they really would be just thoughts, and not 'auditory hallucinations.'
   I wish I didn't have such an interesting existence.
My kids don't.
they love the interesting things I come up with to think on.
sometimes I wish I could just be ... quiet.
I wish my thoughts would be quiet.
I guess my other daughter and I are amusing to watch at night.
we both roam the house...
All awake but still asleep.
.........bouncing into one another but not being aware of each others existence in our dream state.
Fate tells us that she couldn't sleep...cuz we kept waking her with our antics.
It seems I guess we, Lyric and I play off each other while we dream.
the rabbit hole is becoming larger.
  I always knew I could relieve my clients pain if I could get them to sleep a good sleep. A deep REM sleep, ya know so the dreams don't fuck with them while they are awake.
that is boring.
I like the random flow of lunacy...I can't get all my thoughts out right now tho....I'm constipated with delusions.
I need to purge before they become a part of the magic that is I.
                    :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)
I know, understand, comprehend when I am being preciously irritatingly irrational.
             I just like it.
especially if your believe everything I say....
......come on Alice....there is a tea party somewhere....

I never knew how much a broken heart could make a sound when you are stuck inside a silent scream.
 Trying to reason when you have lost all reason is precarious.
understanding the pain of another brings a knowing you cannot unknow.

Living inside a fixed horror show is exhausting.
trying to 'be' in a world that doesn't comprehend the audacious living your busy with...

unfrozen

My nature dances across the heavens.

My lightness of step is transfixed in time.

I laugh as the seconds are frozen in instance.

Reasoning has left the stratosphere.

Silly madness is the common.

Your unbelieving fear is not relevant to the most guarded certainty.

The truth is still the truth.

Breathing into the circles of thoughts that erupt inside my mind I cascade my doubts to the flowing river beneath me.

The waters flow as my sorrow joins them at the juncture of remembrance.

Tranquility is fleeting as I grit my teeth against the reality of forever.

Time has no hold in the unending space of evermore.

Wrestling with pain is exhausting when there is no end.

Sleep is yet another place to find unspeakable thoughts.

Taunting beliefs threaten to transpire my ego.


Knowing to much is torture.

Having an end is not the end.

Riding the currant of perception is releasing my body to unclench.

The rigid loss of rapturous laughter is hateful.

I’m stuck between tearing off my scab and letting it bleed or leaving it alone and letting it heal.
If I let it heal…has the poison left or will it eventually effect my entire body?
If I keep picking at it will I scar severely?
It’s a mind fuck of what ifs.
I don’t know how I should feel. I really liked not feeling anything. Silence. I felt silence. My thoughts were silenced.
I stare.
I stare at nothing and let the slideshow of memories freshly wound me yet again.
New memories.
Memories I had almost forgotten.
Those memories were kept back it seems to disable me …or was it to taunt me…I wanted so bad to purge them all at once to be ok once again. I keep forgetting it will never be ok again…not ever.
Each fresh memory takes every ounce of breath I have ….It leaves me powerless to intake air.
I turn my mind to focus on…
Please give me something else to think on.
Or is that wrong too.
 Should I pick my wound or leave it to scab…

I wake to find myself running through my hall deep in the night. In my dream state I can feel him trying to tell me something…something important….something that will help me rest again…he is talking but I cant hear him.
It makes perfect sense, this telling he tells  to me in this state of between dreams…this state of almost sleep I reside in… But when I am fully awake I cannot grasp the thoughts.
I fear it is like dreaming that you should make coffee in the toaster. While your in the ‘in between’ state of dreaming, it makes perfect sense to make coffee in the toaster…but when you wake…the thought is ludicrous.
Are these wakeful dreams I try to run from just as ludicrous?
I wake running and the image of his little face in my dreams…its like he is shouting, he wears a sad face…he is trying to say something, but I can‘t hear him…

laughter is laughing at your audacity!

Validity…
To be valid. To make sense. To use logic.
       So a few years ago I did my own personal study of human reaction. I love to watch people react and interact.  Stating thoughts, weather the thoughts really mirror my own or not , just to watch the reaction of those ‘intelligent’ people around me makes my existence in the world a little  more jovial…a little more interesting.
      I am currently watching the reactions of those that think they know me or my diagnosis…hilarity is my constant companion.
      I will not deny that I have times of insanity. I do. Everyone does.
I am reminded of the great philosophers of centuries past. Those dudes were really crazy…until all of a sudden they made sense. Hehehehehe…then their weird crazy thoughts become a part of  reality. hmmmm
         I live my life with no apologies…always have.  Look,  we all have crazy tendencies, crazy thoughts, crazy interactions, crazy behavior.
That was really my point to all my crazies….embrace your crazy maybe you’re the very next Einstein.
Yet so MANY things happened because of my announcement…so so many.
First, watching people pick apart every word spoken and every nuance made was hysterical…yes h y s t e r I c a l!
  Amusing myself, I began to pick apart those that pick me apart…there are a LOT of craziness out there…just walking around…pretending to be normal. Hehehehehe
     Now I would NEVER deny my insanity…I’m kind of proud of it…like in the south they bring their crazy people out and brag…I love being so creative that I can slip into my ‘marys world’ and lose myself.  Now before when I used to say a statement like that people close to me would say…oh that’s just Mary…she is a little different and move along….but now that there is a definite known word,(schizoaffective, scitzophrenic, bi polar 11, any fucking really crazy word you would like to insert) attached to my name everyone gets all jumpy…it's so funny…cuz I have never changed…nothing about me has changed…but peoples perception of me changed…lmfao!
Problem is...im really ok… I move around a bit(transient)…but I believe I have conquered that.  I have weird thoughts (delusions). The difference in me and the resident crazy talking your ear off about stupid…is that I can recognize a weird thought and chose to put it in a story or laugh my ass off at my raining insanity.  I don’t get lost in it…like my poor crazies around me….I really really have a heart for them….they can’t find their way out and that makes me sad…but I don’t live there…I merely visit.  ;)
My words do get tangles in my mouth sometimes(jumbled speech)…I have so many thoughts...they sometimes fight themselves trying to be heard first… gripping the reality of any situation is paramount to survival.  And when you work around a lot of crazy people…well you better gird your loins. Hehehe
When I ‘don’t feel good’ I recognize it and stay away or don’t speak…’not sure’…don’t feel good’  are a very big part of my vocabulary because I do not trust my thoughts…Nor do I trust my perceptions…I contrast every nuance…sure wish everyone did!
I met a young girl the other day. She was talking with a group of girls. She told a story about her friend. She said, ‘that is like a schizophrenic…your so funny, girl.: and went on. People didn’t stop and analyze it… they announced it and went on. When I asked her about her thoughts on her ‘crazy’ friend she said, ya, she is different…very sweet, says the funniest things.” ahhh to be young.
Dang…I’m bored with this again…
But first let me remind you of the first few lines in the scriptures… God created our world while His world already existed…many worlds…I know it’s a little deep…it’s a little more then surface belief…its more then ‘Jesus loves me this I know’…oh well next time,maybe….