My latest descent into the rabbit hole…

Musings from an altered state…
I have traveled into the darkness, yet my resurface has a brighter level of clarity then any I have seen as of yet.
WTF do I mean???
While I continually refuse to name my ailment…because, I repudiate being their word. I have learned if I let someone name me then I am in danger of becoming what they say I am…as they will only see ANY of my behavior through the lenses of their said diagnosis. Still my obvious skipping over ‘their’ word for my continued weirdness gives them a little control over me…and that pisses me off.
Schizophrenia, Schizophrenia, Schizophrenia, Schizophrenia…
ahhh, feels good from this perspective, but I am sure my reader is cringing with fear, or rolling their eyes, or carefully averting their gaze… but alas…I do not write for the ‘right’ minded individuals…so you can move onto another bland way of disorganized thinking….I write for others like me…
My many conversations with others with diagnosis’ like mine has let me see the realities of life from a very strange advantage point. (Oh yes I said advantage NOT disadvantage, your social security check is a slap to my own sense of security).
Let us begin, I’m a crazy bitch…that’s right…that’s right…just like the song says….but I am really, really, really a crazy bitch. And I am ok with that so lets all work together to all be ok with…Hahahahahahahahhahahhahahhahahahahahahahah…. sorry…I love to mock the absurdity of psychoanalysis…
I think to better have an understanding of my personal thought process you must know this. I have been counseled, psycho analyzed, injected, confined, bound and gagged…ect…and the concept I wish to force on the world at large as they continuously force their view onto me is this…
I’m not saying be like me or think like me(God forbid)….But know and please refrain from trying to make me think like you. I cannot. I have lived most of my life trying to swallow your pills and your concepts and your ideas. I have pretended normalcy ,for normalcy’s sake. I have disappeared into my own personal rabbit hole when the voices command me to do so. I have been complacent when I need to be complacent. I have been silent when I know(the thoughts/voices warn me) you ache to lock me up. After all these years I can no longer ‘isolate’ because I frighten you with my thoughts. (I ponder is it the fact that I can think that frightens you or is it that I make you think that frightens you ?)
Wearing my own skin without apologies is a desire we, we schizophrenic scary, fucked up, multiple personality, voices hearing, seeing shit that you cant see, out of control, crazy, insane, FUBAR-ED(fucked up beyond belief) desire more then being released from what you call our insanity. We like our world. Its when your world collides with our world that we have a problem. Maybe its when your world wants to control us and we just want to be left the fuck alone with the imagined beauty in ours. OK, sometimes we can get a little bent. I admit it, but ask yourself this, if we are bent is it because we are bent or is it that have a great idea that we cant control and must follow it and we cant shower, get dressed, converse about anything else, go to work, be in the moment (I fucking hate trying to be in your moment when I am having my own).
……………………………gasp… taking a huge intake of air………………………………...........
I had to exist on the inside of rationality for a time. I tried to work inside the confines of mental health. They said they wanted to know, they needed to understand, they wanted to really truly help the completely fucked up, but they thought I was mildly fucked up…a little bi-polar, take a couple of pills and it be ok kind of fucked up, they had no Idea I represented the organism of insanity they valiantly fought with their swords of aversion and mind control.
I have a plethora of truly hysterical stories that will come out of this little endeavor of mine. Don’t worry they will come out and we will laugh and laugh and laugh…
ok, so the end of this rant is simple. In the words of a good friend and a passionate pastor , “while your trying to convert others to your belief. know that they are just as diligently trying to convert you to their beliefs.” What I took by his statement is simple. While you are meticulously putting band aides on gaping wounds, covering up real feelings with little pills… trying to control the uncontrollable, hugging the insane with their own arms, they might just be trying to tell you a secret,
…..shhhhhh it is a secret that we know, the ones before us knew it , after their death you herald them as great and mighty thinkers, so be careful of the labels you carelessly place on our souls today. Your children’s children may be reading about our thoughts and reveling in the ‘new’ notions you tried to heroically suffocate.

( for the metal heath world that may one day read this there is a dictionary or thesaurus at your disposal on any computer, I’m just saying, if you want to keep up with me)