musings

Wiping away the vapor that encapsulates my mind,I look around me like a toddler touching grass for the very first time.
Raidiating luminosity rains inside my brain freely…
Easily I take in the landscape around me.
Clinging to the past is not consequential.
There is nothing to be gained by standing still.
No ground to cover if I remain in the same steps that led me there.
Boredom teases me with melancholy.
My mind springs forth and travels well before my troubleome body relents to journey.
tresspassing into the confines of normalcy I remained unchanged.
My heart,my soul remains intact as I continue my search for more…
Pondering my ability to remain still…I seek the confines that will not shackle me.

...and another

thoughts are floating around me as I scramble to make them sit still long enough for me to put on this screen…
giggling nonsense becomes solid as I strike the keys with my gentle strokings…
ahhhh, rapturous gluttany reminds me that I like to breath…
I pull the confines of my mind from the visegrip of normalcy…
fuck normalcy…
boring….mundane…un-glittering…ugly…
I feel the butterfly kisses of something I cant see but I can clearly feel… it gently touches my face on either side…I feel the satisfaction in the touch…I look into the eyes of a thought that has no form….
I raise my arms over my head as I feel the glitering speckles dance from my loose grip… I feel my soul laugh as I dance to the sound that lives in my head…

and another

living inside the tapestry that I alone created I feel ashamed.
existing on the outside of the world around me leaves me cold and unresponsive…
Finding my hoarse voice that once screamed prolifically at the mundane around me…
they look at me but they don’t see me…
pain is truth…pain is real…It makes me feel real in a world that has no control over me…
Pain without love is a broken sentence that should never have been spoken…
Words fall from my fingertips as my mind races to scream the thoughts that threaten to overwhelm me…
rapture is a place I lost as I searched for…
what the fuck was I looking for?????
reality is a perception that only exists for the mundane…I cant live inside that reality…
It sufficates my laboring breaths as I beseech the night to release me from the cacoon of hate I wrapped myself in….
…I am nothing if not real inside the hate that trys to drown my voice from your ears.
Feeling the waves of color that surrounds your lips as they speak to me …
I fall into the colors as I rip my clothes from my quivering form…
My eyes…my eyes…my eyes try to tell you a story that my lips cannot declare…
shhhhhh, wait for the next wave of color…it will burst through the night like a wave from the ocean…crashing into the beach without remorse, without direction.

I fear...

I fear theres nothing inside....

standing agaist the dark purple night sky I reach out to something I cant touch…
Something I cant imagine...
where do I go…
Where did I go…
Im stuck inbetween where I was …and who I might be.
I am frozen in fear to make a move towards something I cant feel, yet I cant go back to where I came undone.
unraveling the truth to the nature of my personal beast I cringe in trepadation.
The cool wind falls over my shaking body as I try to peer into the window of who I am to be…
I feel the eyes of truth boring into my spirit as I try to cover my nakedness…
ashamed I try to make my nature unknown to the eyes around me…
helplessly I tremble inside my own demise as I cling to the empty covering of my past.
I shreik into the darkness that threatens to envelope me…
I cant get my lips to move…
the sound trys to erupt from my soul as I tear at my throat…
save me…save me…save me…
glamour falls to the bleeding earth as I stumble to more solid ground…
rumblings from an uncertain place makes my lips quiver with my truth…
I tear at the beauty that cascades from my bleeding soul as I try to find the me I once was…

rebirthing...

I was told to rest…
I suck at doing what Im told to do…Only one person has ever had any kind of influence over me…and he is long gone from my life…so I continue to suck at doing what Im told. But that’s a long boring story of almost happensance that makes me look bad…so I won’t go there. I miss you Gordon!!!!!
Instead today I write about love…the real deal love. Love that I still don’t completely understand…but wholeheartedly crave.
My daughter teaches me…
She teaches me what love is…
She always has…
I’m in awe of her ability to ALWAYS know…
She makes me feel weak and strong all at once.
Hmmmm, I held her as she went through the rebirthing of her soul…I watched as she tore the death shroud from her tiny delicate face with such defience it made me weep.
I have waited for such a time as this…
She has NEVER wavered…
Without a word she will put a song on to play,and that song will take me back to a time when I thought I knew something,when I thought I knew anything. Ever silent to me, she merely sings the words softly…sweetly.
Her past is littered with travesty, pain, disbelief,and pure torture. Yet she softly and sweetly sings of an undying love that I wish I could touch with my mortal hands.
My first moment of awe of her was when she refused to give in to unsurmountable odds stacked against us to win a battle. I only thought I knew what we were fighting. She told me delicatly…we do not fight against flesh and bone… she was eight.
I do not lead…I am a mere inteloper into her magical world of rightousness.
Her unquestioning faith leaves me speechless even as I scream to the heavens above about it all being fair… she quietly gets out a quote or a scripture…or a song…then turns away as I weep stupidly at my human nature.
…..Second moment of awe was after hearing the judges’ words… ‘yes, I believe these people commited these crimes…I believe the childrens testimony, I believe the defendants are guilty…I just don’t think this crime is worth 12 years in jail.’ How do you expalin that to nine year old ears? The disbelief I felt nearly took my life as it took my breath. I sat in a field and really tried to not breath…hateful breath…it would just keep me alive, and I couldn’t live in a world that tolerated…
….after hurling my bible across the field…
….she brought it back to me and gently placed it back in my lap, “this is not our world, Momma.” One truth…one love…one faith…
…rest…He said.
Again…I suck at rest…I took a look around me and saw…oh my Jesus I saw so many hurting with the same affiction that had been heaped on her. I tried to run away….He just kept bringing them to me and me to them…
Everytime I falter on my way back to Him who fills me so I can whisper truths to the legions around me…my daughter is there…picking up my arms for me when they are to heavy…
……we sat at the waters edge the other day. She was drawing in the sand. A thought cascaded to me from somewhere up above. “This is the time… such a time as this… she is ready…
……not sure what it means,yet….but I was reminded of a picture in my mind a long,long time ago… A time when she stood on a huge rock with her arms outstreached to the heavens…she wore headphones and a tiny mic was wraped around her head. Her eyes were closed and her small body swayed rythmatically…. The people around her had their arms lifted upwards towards heaven and she was speaking into the mic…and the faces around her were weeping…
…………………..such a time as this?

flights of thoughts

Oh no oh no oh no….I need to go to sleep but my mind is racing. I cant stop thinking…and I don’t really want to. Writing to me is like reading…only backwards. I mean its not as if I get to make things happen that I want to happen…the story takes over and I end up just as surprised as anyone elses reading it. I love the place in my head I go to when I write…I used to be afraid when I had my girls, I thought I would go there and not remember to come back, and what if the girls needed me. silly thought I know. I think only other writers or true lunatics would understand that statement. There is just this wonderful place inside my head that makes my breathing in and out much easier. the world is less intense when I visit there regularly.
I saw a star fall from the sky tonight. the racing red color shot across the dark,black sky. the colors that radiated from its passing was illuminating as it passed over my head. I searched the night sky to find the reason for its release. The star seemed to be running from something or someone. The path it made as it ascended illumination brought fresh thoughts to my mind. I thought of ice cold crisp fall mornings. rapturous love radiated from my mind as I watched the star disappear from my view. I aimlessly let my mind wonder to the place in the sky it must have run to.

short thoughts I will elaborate on....

My spiritial journey continues…
I made my way through to the surface of reality once again…on my own.
Over the years I have asked for help from different organizations…I wish I would stop forgetting everything I have learned. I had to go back over my writings to find the surface again…so, again me and God have it all sorted out again! Don’t misunderstand I am NOT refering to a church I have never felt anything but scorn from them. No I mean the real deal, the alpha the omega, the one who created me this way despite the constant desire of others to change me.
My flowery speech is mine…u may not come and change it.
My thought process may be different…u cannot force reality on me.
My need to go into my head and drive out the negative…while it may be bizzare it is a nessasary way to purge the nastiness of this world.
You see I was never created for this world…that would be your mistake in your thought process.
I will never be able to become like you…why should I want to.
I don’t need to be cured…there is none.
I merely need to focus on the truth…and not to be told that I am insane becouse I really deeply believe in the scriptures.
When I think of all the others that are forced to live under the strain of your diagnosis…when all they really need is to hear the truth of the scripture…becouse the devil knows the word,and as long as he can distract,convice and lie…he wins.
Schitzophrenia is a way to describe sumone who is…
1. delusional…(believing in a world u cant see)
Christ was completely delusional…He spoke of a place they had never fathomed.
2. hear voices/thoughts…( do you not hear God speaking to you,and if yes then you most certainly hear the other side,as this is their world)
3. See things in a way that other people do not see. (please don’t blame me for your shortsidedness..I ANSWER TO A HIGHER CALLING.)
4. paranoia…If you know that people are secretly diagnosing and picking apart everything you do…uh,its not paranoia it’s fact.
5. disorganized speech…maybe just maybe I am thinking about something more important then which way I am going to drive home tonight.
igtg…but I just wanted to begin a little reality check!

I guess its time to put into place all the jagged little pieces of the puzzle that make up the last couple of years of my life.
Its time I journey forward…Its time I look beyond the today and into the tomarrow of the infinate chasm that lies vaporously before me.
If my destiny is not shared as a moth to a flame then it is time to journey forward into the reckoning of what is to be.
The sheer bordom of normalcy is a transparent waste of my time.
Living as if today is important is lifeless,as opposed to what the destiny of tomarrow has for me…
I teach my kids that…ALL my kids….today only matters because it takes you to tomarrow…you MUST focus on tomarrow…what is to be…and today is the step towards that!
sounds simple and theropy-like…but the truth of it is…tomarrow this will be a funny story…everything is funny..later…don’t take yourself so seriously. if you don’t like what is happeneing in your life change it! you alone are the creator of your destiny. re-invent yourself.
Lifes rapture can strangle you if you hold onto to tightly the belief that you or any other human knows what is good for you and your life.

…Continuing the conversation I have with myself whenever I find that I am all alone. Reflective thought is that way I make choices, yet as of late I have not had much reflective thoughts. I have been reacting to stimulas instead of acting on a belief I hold inside my soul.
ahhhh Its been way to long since I have stared at a blank white computer screen and written my thoughts.
I am not sure where Iwent…I only recognize that I have become who I had been without the liberty of bringing the new things I have learned forward…
Im not sure what you see when you look at me, but im pretty sure your concept is inept.
The world I see around me is to……..diminishing, to drastic, to mundane, to literal…
I miss Mary world………Marys world is pristine, concise, free, non judgmental…
Creating a life I can be happy in is random yet filled with purpose if you merley look at me long enough to see past my many,many pairs of shades that I must wear to hide the fear in my eyes…even as they prominantly drown out the glare of judgmental cruelty that I cannot abide in.
Exposing my weakness as you diligently hide yours makes me feel very,very dirty…and not in the way I prefer!
I don’t know…I travel the road put before me and I recognize little things about the people I collide with. Sometimes I see greatness trying to emerge…like a butterfly emerging from its caccoon…wings wet, legs whobbly, tenative glaces as they hide behind their supressed emotions.
Worse then becoming like the billions of other butterflys…it is not merely the fact that they have setteld to become like the others it is the fact that they could not truly see themselves as the anomaly that they were to become…worse yet for me I must watch the wind rip their wings from their back as they search for a safe place to land. ahhh, the search for greatness continues…

fragmented thoughts make sense...if you listen

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher. ~Ambrose Bierce, Epigrams

Perfection in my personal analysis of myself.
If everybody contemplates the infinite instead of fixing the drains, many of us will die of cholera. ~John Rich

…and this makes complete sense to me…I wish I wish I wish I could just turn my mind off and stop contemplating …why,why,why…and fix a damn drain. If it were only so simple.
I try very, very hard to just …to just be…and then the infinite thoughts come and I must attack them with my mind and dance around the ideas until it makes some kind of sense to me...or there is absolutely no rest for my brain… nothing shuts down the process of deliberation for me…NOTHING. The endless questioning inside my mind turns and turns and questions endlessly until I find the answer…and it almost never fixes a drain…although sometimes it does!
……A secret to the universe is that if you pose a question to the universe...the universe will try to answer you… you must be patient…it will answer, it must… or I am completely mad…but I don’t think I am.
I met this dude one time and he showed me patterns on the ground that had just appeared out of no where…he kept seeing the same pattern everywhere he went. the pattern would just appear out of no where…from a rain puddle to a clump of bushes… the very same pattern.
…copious amounts of Risperdal could not erase the message he was receiving.
JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ
I know this other dude that had the same sentence spoken to him over and over again from different people…the same thought given to him over and over and over again…he knew it was crazy…he asked to be given more anti-phycotic meds…the sentence was making him crazy…He was woken in the middle of the night with this simple thought… he heard it on tv.(the report written was that he was extremely psychotic and he thought his tv was sending him messages)…but the thought kept building and building… he saw it on street signs…every random word spoken to him related to that thought… extra injections were given…constant supervision was given…he became very agitated if you spoke to him while he was busy having his own personal thought… he had to have the end of the thought…he thirsted for it…his hunger for the end of the thought. the thought was to be engulfed and filtered and then released…
……………after the all the injections and proposed supervision was given…he was still what we clinically termed…‘bat shit crazy’. I asked to go and have a moment with him… after much deliberation I was allowed to go…alone…no one else was brave enough…dude was utterly insane. unable to speak about anything but his thought…and his thought was so fragmented that he could not gather it all together to make sense, for the rest of the world. it only made sense to him…and any other schizophrenic psycho that was not stuck in their the middle of their own madness at the time.
………………..crazy gets crazy…it just does…unless of course they are both psychotic at the time. at which time the conversation is just great amusement… but I digress…………
……………………dudes mumblings did not make sense to the outside world that ran from his crazy ass… they didn’t stop to listen…..
…………………..The stench from his constantly pacing form made rational people keep their distance…. crazy is contagious……….
……………………..When I looked into his eyes…because believe it or not…crazy people do have feelings… when I really looked at him with compassion…I saw the dude I had known before trying desperately trying to get out…he was valiantly stuck inside his own mind…a prisoner of his own thoughts…or voices or what ever the norms like to call it…. He knew he was crazy…and he was stuck….
……………………………wild misconception………. crazy people know they are being crazy….that’s where the clinical term isolation comes from…sometimes…. sometimes isolation merely means we wont let YOU in the fucking door! write isolating on the fucking admit slip baby! see if they keep me locked up when I am being no harm to anyone else, just isolating…or cooking up a great fucking thought!
…………………………..sorry,sorry sorry…its my blog though…I can be socializing psycho if I want, right!
……………..when I looked into his eyes…I could see him trapped inside…my heart broke into a thousand pieces…my mouth took off without my brain…again.
….
“tell me your thought” I begged.
itscrazyitscraqzyitscrazy’ spiraled out of his clenched lips. the pain of trying to keep his fragmented mind in one piece was almost to much to bear. He anticipated fear and departure from me…I did not give it to him… I plopped down on the dirty nasty floor and swatted scurrying roaches as I begged him to tell me his story. His face contorted with extreme pressure as he tried to find his way to the surface. I waited patiently…I would not look at the time on my phone…as time would stand still until I heard him escape from himself… I would lie my ass off in the next meeting in order to release him from his prison of fear… in short, fuck them and the people who try to cure us. I knew the cure…it was absolution and sometimes absolution does not come in the form of an hour.
He stood to his feet in a jerking movement and when I did not jump up to run away he looked down at me and melted to the floor himself. ( do not try this at home…teehee, I’m a fucking idiot) I will fear no evil I will fear no evil was on repeat in my brain…we do not fight against flesh and bone…
……………as he positioned himself cross legged on the floor across from me…we smoked Marlboro reds until his story could be dissected then discarded…and when his story…his thought was fragmented together patiently…put into order…then it could either be analyzed for safe keeping or discarded forever…but make no fucking mistake it had to be analyzed to the end.
………………….thoughts are like that with FUBAR people… My family explains my strange behavior this way…she just thinks to much…ya…simply put…I THINK WAY TO FUCKING MUCH!

(If your wondering about the secret to his universe he shared with me...you will just have to wonder into oblivion…it is NOT my story to tell…I know many, many secrets…I know great stories…but they are not mine to share…that would be a great raping of a soul I could not fathom …we each have our own….I choose to share mine…because I must…others choose to smoke theirs away…others hide from theirs…lunacy is a hiccup in the middle of breathing…sometime you choke…but sometimes a friend comes along and pats you on the back until you can catch your breath… a true friend keeps your secrets)

considering love...

So, we had a great discussion in the dorm yesterday. I love working with thinking people, that have opinions and talk about it to the fullest degree. I have worked many jobs this past year, but I have to say working with these people are like going to college again. Everyone has their own thoughts and ideas and love to discuss world events, human emotions, and perspectives. great,great,great…
personal thoughts were spoken, opinions boiled over, amusement was my constant companion. Dang I love smart people!
The conversation in question was about…love.
hahahaha…we had a huge four hour argument over…love
That makes me ponder my own thoughts and my own personal relationships…that is why I love discussing life with smart people.
Anyway, Love…my point was love is an action word…not necessarily just an emotion, although love is feeling, it is merely an extension (action) of how you feel about a person. A person who is your lover, your friend, your any person you have a relationship with.
Multifaceted extremes swirl into a kaleidoscope of thoughts on this huge discussion. I don’t have the attention span to cover the entire episode, but this is the thought I took away from the talk.
I figured out a lot about love after I had my children… before that I only thought I loved someone. Love is a definite feeling(emotion) you have ,yet you must nurture it…act on it, show love or it remains merely a feeling that will fade over time.
for instance…I love this guy. I show him love in many ways. He shows me love in many ways. But alas love is an action word…or it should be, because once he stops showing you love…you lose interest. It becomes boring, uninteresting, mundane, and no longer relevant.
I take care of my children by taking care of their needs and I show love to my friends by doing the same thing, but once my friends cease to show me love that emotion, that feeling starts to fade and sooner rather then later it dies. it just does. I don’t think its selfish although we all know there is no such thing as an un selfish act.
Love is a two way street or it should be. If the act of loving is not returned then you have a funked up co-dependant relationship and someone gets used. So any thinking, intelligent person ends the relationship, because it has now become one sided, and boring…it just don’t feel good anymore.
anyway that was my consideration…

words that erupt from the silence withen...

lackluster monotony is a moment I do not wish to repeat...the duality of my twin existence baffles those around me, even as I am baffled by their monotone, bland existence.
RUPTURING THE HEADLINES OF MY MIND...whoops didn't mean to shout.
rupturing the headlines of my mind is a needed (gasp, uh, gasp,) release to rip me from...me.
duplicity is a common occurrence for me if not easily identifiable to those around me. My thoughts simply overrun each other, as they fight to be the thought for this moment.
going forward in reverse makes utter sense to me as I careen into the oblivion of what could be...one day...soon.
like minded souls intertwine to become something new... something possible in an impossible world.
my silence is deafening...dontlikeitdontlikeitdonltlikeit...
The clarity it brings will dispel the audacity around me...but then I am just forced to become differant...changed...altered.
continually churning nuances tease and tempt me without any reason for the urgings...it just does.
finding the colors inside the ideas that rape my mind makes me want to go all bat shit crazy...
silence...silence...silence...
whispered offerings are timid yet translucent... they mean me absolutely no harm...so they are not the purge I need to transcend this moment.
I need to free fall...
I need to become dangerous...
I need to climb the white vaporous clouds that dance lightly around my mind as I seek to recover my soul once again...
Silent lucidity beckons the monsters that beg to be heard if not seen.
grasping the edges of monotony tease me with the concept that I could somehow be one with my one moment...Icanticanticanticant
Boredom steals my future...

My latest descent into the rabbit hole…

Musings from an altered state…
I have traveled into the darkness, yet my resurface has a brighter level of clarity then any I have seen as of yet.
WTF do I mean???
While I continually refuse to name my ailment…because, I repudiate being their word. I have learned if I let someone name me then I am in danger of becoming what they say I am…as they will only see ANY of my behavior through the lenses of their said diagnosis. Still my obvious skipping over ‘their’ word for my continued weirdness gives them a little control over me…and that pisses me off.
Schizophrenia, Schizophrenia, Schizophrenia, Schizophrenia…
ahhh, feels good from this perspective, but I am sure my reader is cringing with fear, or rolling their eyes, or carefully averting their gaze… but alas…I do not write for the ‘right’ minded individuals…so you can move onto another bland way of disorganized thinking….I write for others like me…
My many conversations with others with diagnosis’ like mine has let me see the realities of life from a very strange advantage point. (Oh yes I said advantage NOT disadvantage, your social security check is a slap to my own sense of security).
Let us begin, I’m a crazy bitch…that’s right…that’s right…just like the song says….but I am really, really, really a crazy bitch. And I am ok with that so lets all work together to all be ok with…Hahahahahahahahhahahhahahhahahahahahahahah…. sorry…I love to mock the absurdity of psychoanalysis…
I think to better have an understanding of my personal thought process you must know this. I have been counseled, psycho analyzed, injected, confined, bound and gagged…ect…and the concept I wish to force on the world at large as they continuously force their view onto me is this…
I’m not saying be like me or think like me(God forbid)….But know and please refrain from trying to make me think like you. I cannot. I have lived most of my life trying to swallow your pills and your concepts and your ideas. I have pretended normalcy ,for normalcy’s sake. I have disappeared into my own personal rabbit hole when the voices command me to do so. I have been complacent when I need to be complacent. I have been silent when I know(the thoughts/voices warn me) you ache to lock me up. After all these years I can no longer ‘isolate’ because I frighten you with my thoughts. (I ponder is it the fact that I can think that frightens you or is it that I make you think that frightens you ?)
Wearing my own skin without apologies is a desire we, we schizophrenic scary, fucked up, multiple personality, voices hearing, seeing shit that you cant see, out of control, crazy, insane, FUBAR-ED(fucked up beyond belief) desire more then being released from what you call our insanity. We like our world. Its when your world collides with our world that we have a problem. Maybe its when your world wants to control us and we just want to be left the fuck alone with the imagined beauty in ours. OK, sometimes we can get a little bent. I admit it, but ask yourself this, if we are bent is it because we are bent or is it that have a great idea that we cant control and must follow it and we cant shower, get dressed, converse about anything else, go to work, be in the moment (I fucking hate trying to be in your moment when I am having my own).
……………………………gasp… taking a huge intake of air………………………………...........
I had to exist on the inside of rationality for a time. I tried to work inside the confines of mental health. They said they wanted to know, they needed to understand, they wanted to really truly help the completely fucked up, but they thought I was mildly fucked up…a little bi-polar, take a couple of pills and it be ok kind of fucked up, they had no Idea I represented the organism of insanity they valiantly fought with their swords of aversion and mind control.
I have a plethora of truly hysterical stories that will come out of this little endeavor of mine. Don’t worry they will come out and we will laugh and laugh and laugh…
ok, so the end of this rant is simple. In the words of a good friend and a passionate pastor , “while your trying to convert others to your belief. know that they are just as diligently trying to convert you to their beliefs.” What I took by his statement is simple. While you are meticulously putting band aides on gaping wounds, covering up real feelings with little pills… trying to control the uncontrollable, hugging the insane with their own arms, they might just be trying to tell you a secret,
…..shhhhhh it is a secret that we know, the ones before us knew it , after their death you herald them as great and mighty thinkers, so be careful of the labels you carelessly place on our souls today. Your children’s children may be reading about our thoughts and reveling in the ‘new’ notions you tried to heroically suffocate.

( for the metal heath world that may one day read this there is a dictionary or thesaurus at your disposal on any computer, I’m just saying, if you want to keep up with me)

learn-gasm

Learn-gasm

I love that word… let me explain why. But first let me tell you about how I discovered it.
Please know first and foremost… I’m a geek, a nerd… I f’ng love to look unusual stuff up on the internet. yes ,yes I do have a facebook, myspace, ect…but that is not my drive, my passion.
I used to ALWAYS hang out in the library. Yep, I rocked that library, baby. I love the smell of old books, but even more then that I love to find a book that hasn’t been touched in awhile and discover truths that have sense passed into fallacies. I love knowledge. Not for knowledge sake, but because it makes my brain tickle. It makes me feel good! and we all know I love to feel good!….did I hear an amen???!!!
I love new thoughts…something I didn’t know before. Maybe because I grew up very, very slowly… what I mean is that I thought that the world consisted of parties and playing, so when I learn something…. its brand fucking new to me…I didn’t know that…really, really didn’t know that. So in essence any thought deeper then a new white line on a hand held mirror is a new thought for me! Maybe that’s why I hang out with people younger then me…I’m their same age mentally! I partied through the years I was supposed to be thinking and discovering.
Anyway, I continually look up broken word thoughts and see where it takes me…and sometimes its delicious!
One day I was looking up, uh… I think it was great thinkers…and bam! the word learn-gasm popped up on the screen. I unreservedly get that thought! When I am in the middle of a great discovery…a new train of thought….a prose that I have never thought of… and then I find it written somewhere…anywhere. I experience a earth shattering, trembling to my toes kinda learn -gasm! oh oh oh oh! so delicious!!!!! wah-bang!!! complete submission to the sensation until I can become one with the thought/feeling. In absolute anticipation of when I come to the end….you have to excuse my pun!
Learn-gasm…. can you feel it???
Every now and then I start to take myself way to fucking seriously… In the middle of my search for my finishing …uh, my own personal ‘gasm‘, I have a propensity to climb inside my head….and then off I go inside my head and people start looking at me weird…and try to make me take medicine. Humph! all I really ever need is a…learn-gasm! a way to push my thought all the way through to the end! To a fucking great finish! teehee, That song by Jackyl… ‘dirty little mind’ is on repeat inside my brain!
…….ok ok ok so now you know… ya prolly know more about me then you intended.

Who I want to tell you that I am...

I want to tell you about myself…But then you would know me and I may distress you…or you might think you know me ,and then in future blogs I may disappoint you. Hmmmmm, I think I will merely be a shadow of a thought for you. A shadow that you can’t quite see, yet you absolutely know that I am real. My thoughts may entice you to anger or bestow you abandoned delight. My thoughts may simply amuse you or they might make you think. I do however promise that you won’t be bored. Unless you don’t like to think in which case you need to scurry on to a more palatable blog. I am thought to be many ,many things….but boring will never be said of me. Secondly it may help you to know that I don’t readily think like most other people. I do not say that arrogantly. Many times I wish that I did fit better into the norm way of thinking. I think I could become very comfortable and free, happy in my own skin sort of way of being. Instead of always having to explain myself to others in such great detail that I begin to bore myself. Either get me or go away. I don’t really have the time or the energy to spoon feed simplistic wonderments. You bore me! how bout that. Some people like to put labels on my way of thinking…I won’t bore you with the details of that little game. But I warn you there will definitely be times that you ache to bring me some lithium…or some anti -psychotics…don’t bother…I wouldn’t take it!
Like Alice who has certainly fallen into the rabbit hole we should dive in head first.
Let me begin by telling you that I have a prolific mind. My mother used to tell me just stop talking and write it down, so I can read it later. I had to many thoughts and I made her head hurt from listening to my endless talking. So I write, and I write a lot. My need to share my ideas. It comes from that very moment in my mothers kitchen when she told me to write it down. What she implied by her statement was not that I should write, it was that I should just be quite a minute so she could mash the potatoes, and not wonder with me about why the rainbow began its color scheme easily instead of pounding our mind with its abrupt appearance. The colors just sort of fade into themselves….
Finding the beauty in all around me has been a battle I like to explore. Even the ugliest event, if taken under intelligent consideration can become beauty if we coax it long enough.
enlightened reasoning is the cornerstone to which I live and breath. I cannot abide in simplistic for to long or I really do go mad. Madness is a delicate balance between knowing your reasoning is odd and believing it to matter to those your destined to interact with.

A casual strol through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything

I love this quote by Nietzsche! In fact I have been quoting this man for some years now. This is my new favorite quote. The words speak to my spirit. I have walked the halls of lunacy from the inside and from the outside. What I mean by that is that I have been deemed clinically insane, so I set out to define what they could possibly mean by their menial study of my beautiful mind. While in the midst of my tumultuous study of me I became educated in the realm of crazy. I get crazy. I see it everywhere. Before I digress into the absurdity of mundane vernacular of the boring people sitting across a big desk with a piece of paper of their degree decorating their wall. All the while they beg for 'wonderful pieces of art' from their patients to decorate the emptiness of their life. psht...If someone shoves another crayon at me with a blank piece of paper and asks me to draw for them...I may explode. But then of course they would wrap me up with my own arms and try to suffocate my soul as I struggle to be heard above the meds that then course through my veins.
I knew I would digress into my own drama...sorry.
I have walked the halls of 'hospitals' and I have walked the halls of churches. You cannot have a conversation with a clinically crazy person without them talking to you about religion. Church people don't ever talk about God, they usually keep the conversation to the the latest ministry they are pimping, or the need for some more money for the new youth sumtin or other. But if you want to talk about God and what he really means to people go to the crazy house...they can't talk about anything else. They, ahem, we can't help but intimately know and understand the deity that created us. It's just second nature into the discovery of who we are and why we think the way we think. It is what it is ,baby!
Blind faith is a disease of mediocrity. Faith, to me anyway, interchanges with hope. To me it is the almost panting need and desire to hope that you are right after all. faith is like the outside of a thought. its a hope, desire... hmmm, Let me be more clear. what I mean is I don't have faith that God exists. I know He does, its not a question of faith...It's a deep intimate knowing. Faith to me is like a child singing ever so sweetly Jesus loves me yes I know. Its a great thought, to have faith that you blindly take into account something someone tells you as truth. But where is your truth in that, where is YOUR belief. It seems to me to be very menial and tainted and simple and sweet...but not very smart. Its not very intelligent, not at all real or authentic. I prefer to find the answers for myself. many of those I see stuck in the middle of a sing song analysis of Jesus are stuck smack dab in the middle of their own insanity and to me are to lazy to figure the crap out on their own. They to me are to lazy to figure out what is really happening inside their hearts or minds. OK I could talk forever about this thought I think. But then you would be in danger of taking on my thoughts for yourself and still being the mediocre masses I see all around me.

The secrets of the universe are clear afrer you have experienced the secrets...and not before. Becouse before you are just a lame nobody with some external knowledge of what someone has told you. External knowledge is not legitimate. I will merely smile sweetily at you as you try to mimic the ponderings of someone else. I include all mimicry in that thought. The many doctors who have studied my certain ailment make me smile and push my vuloptuous breasts at them as they distract themselves from their empty thougths taht have been stolen and I laugh and laugh and laugh....
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