My Gideon battle…

Here is my thought for the day…I always try to end on a happy note. I do a lot of peer counseling. It’s my title. it’s my rank. But it is really unimportant…because really it is who I am. Who I have been, Who I will always be.

It was a huge struggle to get me here, but I am comfortable here, so I think that I will stay. I have two stories in my head. I am not sure if they are related, but I will begin cautiously with this one and I have an open page for the other…they may melt together…they may not!

Gideon had built a large army, and God said wait! Do not take all your soldiers into battle. If you win this battle with this large army it would be a worldly battle. If I am to be glorified…it has to be all about me….the world will not see my might if it is all your warriors…I paraphrased but my point is I want to tell you what I learned and pass on, as a ,peer councilor’ to the hurting broken around me. In the middle of the monstrous battle in front of you, you must let Him lead you. Even when the battle makes you feel crazy, even when everyone looks at you with the saddest eyes…battle on…

I had a huge battle.

My children were raped when they were four.

I hope you never have to know how hard that was to type.

So many thoughts, but I will reign it in.

If your reading this chances are you have read the previous blog.

So, you already knew this information…

I was utterly alone.

The very worst thing had happened to us.

Our five year court battle was not even the real battle.

It was a priceless exercise to find our peace.

I have written a lot about these moments, so I wont digress.

The battle really was about not letting my girls, my young ladies continue to be victims. That is my daily battle.

If we had won the court battle…it would have been a worldly battle. We would have been justified. Everyone would have seen the outcome, but the outcome would have been so menial compared to the real release, the real ‘win’.

God ….the Alpha AND the Omega…the creator of heaven and earth….saved me and then saved us from ourselves. I wont go into the words….so many words…I am so very tired…

My daily battle is to try to show His mighty love to the victims I interact with everyday. Not in a corny ,fake kind of God loves you way…cuz that shit used to piss me off to no end. “God won’t give you more then you can handle’ bullshit…really fuck you, how do you fucking know what I can handle…and the utter despair of the battle…the depth of the pain is to deep…so fuck you . You have no idea, of the pain I can handle or not fucking handle. Let me know when you hold the body of your lifeless child who is still breathing, still fighting to breath through… ya FUCK YOU!

Maybe your better at ignoring the pain and despair around you…I am not! I react, I fight, I pray, I teach, I remind, I love…

I remember trying to walk out of the courthouse…I could hardly stand let alone walk. Workers came out of their offices to watch me try to make my way out of the building…I walked alone. They wore such looks of shock, and despair…utter confusion to match my own. The word had quickly spread that the ADA had already quit her job…she couldn’t fight another day. It was to ridiculous. Everyone had to see the tragedy walking out… No one spoke , they merely stared with their quiet support. I can still see the rows of women standing up and down the hallways. No one was whispering to each other, it was just silent. There was no need for words. Everyone knew the travesty. I could hardly open the heavy door. I faltered. No one came to help me, it would have been offensive to help me. I had begun the battle on my own. I would finish it….on my own.

The sunlight was extremely out of place when I stepped out into it. I looked up to the sky, as if for the first time. I in actuality expected God to show Himself. I wanted Him to show himself in all His mighty anger at what had happened… He did not.

I kept glancing up trying to see His mighty arm stretch out from the heavens…He did not.

There were groups of people standing around…watching.

I didn’t know where I was going.

I could form no thought to how to step down the stairs. No one came to help , they merely watched with agonized faces. I finally made it to the ’smoke bench’ outside where our little ‘witness group’ had gathered. My girls were safely stashed away. This was the second day of testimony and they had already said their part. I remember several people handed me cigarettes. I just stared at them, the smokes not the faces. I couldn’t look at their faces…My ears were trained to the heavens…I knew He was coming. Cuz there was no way the world could continue to spin.

Silence…

Excuse me ladies and gentlemen this is a train wreck…you will have to back away…there is nothing to see here…Groups of three and four gathered on the outside circle of us, witness’ . Our case was not spoken of but everyone knew of it. It was a biggie. The judge had said in open court that he believed all the witness’ but he just didn’t think it was a crime worthy of punishment…

…..so rape of children was ok….

My brain could not wrap itself around that.

God was on His way….He had to be…I could not figure out a way to breath again in this world.

He did not come.

I don’t know who it was but several people gave me pills.

I don’t know what they were. I’m sure they were xanax or something…I think I remember that. I must have looked pretty…bad. I dropped the pills on the ground and everyone took a collective step back. I still couldn’t focus on the faces around me. I couldn’t stop looking for Him… He was so late already.

Someone asked me ,ever so softly and gently where the girls were…

Suddenly I took off running…I had to get to them before… Before some one else told them… I had to get to them…the thought of them brought the floodgates of tears, the tears that would not stop…

My little group followed after me running and yelling my name. still no one came close enough for me to swing. I was an injured animal, not to be trusted. He must be waiting to show Himself…He is just late…but He is coming…I wanted to be on the highway when He came…I wanted to see all His glory appear in the heavens and see Him take their car and hurl it….

“…It would be better a millstone be tied…” I could see the actual words written in the sky…He was on His way…He was merely coming in His time…But He WAS coming…He had to. The world was upside down and inside out…this was the nonsense world the last chapter of His book talked about.

………………………………................................GASP………………………………..........................................

Gideon built his army and God said…God said, no…It has to be about me……………

I could not wrap my brain around His will. I am the great manipulator…I tried to force His will into my existence…He didn’t fit.

I tried to control His glory, He was to big.

I tried to twist His logic to fit my own, HE IS GOD.

My battle was not as I expected…If we had won we would have been vindicated in this world. This world is not relevant to the spirit…the spirit is only relevant to the natural.

All the pain, suffering despair, turmoil, harassment, cruelty, rage…

It took me a year to get it.

To understand His will.

I see them everywhere…my victims…..His beautiful victims.

Reminds me of a dream I had during the darkest of my days. I was on a beach walking along the tide. I little girl ran up to me. She took my hand and thanked me. I was confused. I didn’t know why she had said that, she pointed behind me…I looked and there was a long, long, never ending line of children…she said, “they are yours….they all want to say thank you…but keep walking…we are following…”

……….So I keep walking…I keep moving forward….that had NOT been my battle…It would have been about me had we won…besides, by this time I hadn’t wanted repercussion…I wanted freedom and peace and new life for my injured children. I wanted them to have freedom from their pain…from their despair…and I wanted to love the dirty, broken around me because there are so, so many.

….so that is the battle…and no one knows of me….so it is all about Him….and we walk forward…each of us….each of the victims who become victors…we walk forward.