title it...done

WE ARE ALL HUMAN…

I have crazy ridiculous faith.

I know it makes no sense…it is by mere definition lunacy…they all called Him crazy…

My battle to free the victims…

I have a person that I know. He is not a friend. He is not allowed around my girls. He is not allowed to know where I live. He is just a guy I know.

The year after our court battle was bizarre and surreal.

I met lots of characters.

Before this time my thoughts were black and white.

Your wrong. You did a bad thing. You must never to be looked at again. End of story.

Then that mystical, rapturous, ever pressing God made me open my eyes.

His people. His people were all victims…even if they victimized others…first they were victims. So, how do I draw the line in the sand.

Ahhh that’s a biggie isn’t it.

Let me tell you about Crazy Roy.

I’m not being derogative…he asked me to call him that…and trust me friends and neighbors…he is a crazy man!

I met him and he was merely annoying, dirty, bothersome…just weird.

But I had trained myself in the study of sexual predators…so many different kinds. I was not going to be fooled again! I was an expert in the field…my field. I knew he had red flags…I knew he was a situational molester…heehee, I really did have categories of molesters...I could quote statistics too…I was an expert bore from utter fear.

Anyway, when he found me somewhere and endlessly talked to me…I could hardly hear what he was saying cuz I was so busy hearing the bullshit instead…its like you gotta be real dude cuz I cant hear your babbling anymore…you gotta come clean…and he did…he told me that yes he did do that, and he fought the urge everyday…and he had been questioned about it…never charged tho, just like so many…never charged…cuz no one wants to admit his nastiness was near them. He is a real character. So just questioned . Then we broke through the bullshit that ALWAYS follows the admission. He gave me every tag line…every excuse they always give …I don’t really want to go into all that. Because its boring to me now.

But trust me, he is a sexual deviant…and you should never try this at home because he is a very, very dangerous individual.

We cut through all his bullshit…and …and…well, I didn’t run away from him. I did however put very bold, strong boundary’s around him, cuz I am not an idiot.

I remember once I was busy paying and he was in the store, he saw that I was busy and ran, literally ran out to the car to talk to my girls,(A real deviant) I wasn’t afraid I stood at the window and watched and laughed. I watched Fate push the button that automatically rolled up the window and locked the doors. She wasn’t afraid, her face was a mask of pure nothingness. She had to fear of him…just total mistrust. Hehehe…I met him at the car still laughing. I said she aint going to talk to you…she KNOWS you. Groom away…you’ll be talking to air. I talked to him a bit longer then told him to be good…like I always do…be good,Roy. No fear.

Over the years…I have so many stories about him.

Once a tornado knocked a huge tree into my door blocking the path in and out. I had to use the back door. I am a single mom I have no resources. Crazy roy pulled up in his hoopity wagon and got out a handsaw…yes a handsaw and went to work. It took him more then a week to get it gone. The tree was twice the size of him around, and he had just a handsaw…but he kept at it everyday till it was gone. No fear.

One time I came up to the store and he was ,um…outside his ever loving mind…he was past psychotic…and he was scaring everyone…badly. I distracted him with my bullshit. He didn’t even know who I was…he was so gone inside his mind. I motioned for the clerk to the store and she called the police. I kept him talking…cuz he was clearly sick. When the cops appeared, he of course tried to flip out . I yelled for fate to get down in her seat…roy reached into his truck and pulled out a gun…I calmly told him that he was being ridiculous that we were helping him…he put it back and with that patented roy shit eating grin, and told me there were no bullets…The cops pulled in and I went to them and explained that he was very sick and needed an ambulance… He was crazy yelling again and blocking my path to my car. He hadn’t seen fate cuz she was hidden. I was stuck. I watched the police try to talk with him…then they had to man handle him down to the ground…it hurt my eyes, but it had to be done. I explained to the police that he was altered …not himself…didn’t even recognize me…they took him in patient…and he got better.

Next time I went to the corner store he ran out to me . I was trying to get gas. He took out a dirty tattered 20 and told me he was paying for my gas. He apologized for being crazy…it told him it was fine, he wasn’t in control….he bought my gas the next few times…It made him feel good.

I had treated him as a human. He had told me his dirtiest deeds (no details tho…I am human too), he had done some very bad deeds…Then I had seen him acting badly….still I smiled and looked him in the eye. I didn’t just talk at him…I listened to him…and it was always painful to listen to him. He stuttered and his face would freeze trying to get the hardest words out, but I was patient. I used my patience not because I would get something out of it…Not even the good feeling you get when you help someone. With him I never received that release of feelings. With him…I don’t know he just makes me smile. He is dirty, smelly, psychotic, …not sure if he could be redeemed in this world…he is so very lost…

….He confounds me…I don’t know why I treat him human…I just do… with him there are no little moments of ah ha. With him, I will never have a oh! I finally said the right word in the right sequence moment …With him, I don’t know…He is my thorn in my side…He is a rapist, pedophile, attempted murderer…and now finally murderer. He just continues to make horrible choices that effect so many people…Yet….he worked for over a week on my damn tree. He used money he did not have to buy gas for me so I could work. He is a real deviant.

No one will testify against him…because trust me, the dude would fucking kill you…no problem.

His blue eyes twinkle when he talks to me.

He reminds me of Santa Claus….he’s got those wrinkles round his eyes…

He is never to be trusted…not ever.

He and I understand each other.

He is a true predator.

He has no feelings.

He has no deep emotions.

He is an empty, scary individual.

…and he makes me smile every time I see him.

My Gideon battle…

Here is my thought for the day…I always try to end on a happy note. I do a lot of peer counseling. It’s my title. it’s my rank. But it is really unimportant…because really it is who I am. Who I have been, Who I will always be.

It was a huge struggle to get me here, but I am comfortable here, so I think that I will stay. I have two stories in my head. I am not sure if they are related, but I will begin cautiously with this one and I have an open page for the other…they may melt together…they may not!

Gideon had built a large army, and God said wait! Do not take all your soldiers into battle. If you win this battle with this large army it would be a worldly battle. If I am to be glorified…it has to be all about me….the world will not see my might if it is all your warriors…I paraphrased but my point is I want to tell you what I learned and pass on, as a ,peer councilor’ to the hurting broken around me. In the middle of the monstrous battle in front of you, you must let Him lead you. Even when the battle makes you feel crazy, even when everyone looks at you with the saddest eyes…battle on…

I had a huge battle.

My children were raped when they were four.

I hope you never have to know how hard that was to type.

So many thoughts, but I will reign it in.

If your reading this chances are you have read the previous blog.

So, you already knew this information…

I was utterly alone.

The very worst thing had happened to us.

Our five year court battle was not even the real battle.

It was a priceless exercise to find our peace.

I have written a lot about these moments, so I wont digress.

The battle really was about not letting my girls, my young ladies continue to be victims. That is my daily battle.

If we had won the court battle…it would have been a worldly battle. We would have been justified. Everyone would have seen the outcome, but the outcome would have been so menial compared to the real release, the real ‘win’.

God ….the Alpha AND the Omega…the creator of heaven and earth….saved me and then saved us from ourselves. I wont go into the words….so many words…I am so very tired…

My daily battle is to try to show His mighty love to the victims I interact with everyday. Not in a corny ,fake kind of God loves you way…cuz that shit used to piss me off to no end. “God won’t give you more then you can handle’ bullshit…really fuck you, how do you fucking know what I can handle…and the utter despair of the battle…the depth of the pain is to deep…so fuck you . You have no idea, of the pain I can handle or not fucking handle. Let me know when you hold the body of your lifeless child who is still breathing, still fighting to breath through… ya FUCK YOU!

Maybe your better at ignoring the pain and despair around you…I am not! I react, I fight, I pray, I teach, I remind, I love…

I remember trying to walk out of the courthouse…I could hardly stand let alone walk. Workers came out of their offices to watch me try to make my way out of the building…I walked alone. They wore such looks of shock, and despair…utter confusion to match my own. The word had quickly spread that the ADA had already quit her job…she couldn’t fight another day. It was to ridiculous. Everyone had to see the tragedy walking out… No one spoke , they merely stared with their quiet support. I can still see the rows of women standing up and down the hallways. No one was whispering to each other, it was just silent. There was no need for words. Everyone knew the travesty. I could hardly open the heavy door. I faltered. No one came to help me, it would have been offensive to help me. I had begun the battle on my own. I would finish it….on my own.

The sunlight was extremely out of place when I stepped out into it. I looked up to the sky, as if for the first time. I in actuality expected God to show Himself. I wanted Him to show himself in all His mighty anger at what had happened… He did not.

I kept glancing up trying to see His mighty arm stretch out from the heavens…He did not.

There were groups of people standing around…watching.

I didn’t know where I was going.

I could form no thought to how to step down the stairs. No one came to help , they merely watched with agonized faces. I finally made it to the ’smoke bench’ outside where our little ‘witness group’ had gathered. My girls were safely stashed away. This was the second day of testimony and they had already said their part. I remember several people handed me cigarettes. I just stared at them, the smokes not the faces. I couldn’t look at their faces…My ears were trained to the heavens…I knew He was coming. Cuz there was no way the world could continue to spin.

Silence…

Excuse me ladies and gentlemen this is a train wreck…you will have to back away…there is nothing to see here…Groups of three and four gathered on the outside circle of us, witness’ . Our case was not spoken of but everyone knew of it. It was a biggie. The judge had said in open court that he believed all the witness’ but he just didn’t think it was a crime worthy of punishment…

…..so rape of children was ok….

My brain could not wrap itself around that.

God was on His way….He had to be…I could not figure out a way to breath again in this world.

He did not come.

I don’t know who it was but several people gave me pills.

I don’t know what they were. I’m sure they were xanax or something…I think I remember that. I must have looked pretty…bad. I dropped the pills on the ground and everyone took a collective step back. I still couldn’t focus on the faces around me. I couldn’t stop looking for Him… He was so late already.

Someone asked me ,ever so softly and gently where the girls were…

Suddenly I took off running…I had to get to them before… Before some one else told them… I had to get to them…the thought of them brought the floodgates of tears, the tears that would not stop…

My little group followed after me running and yelling my name. still no one came close enough for me to swing. I was an injured animal, not to be trusted. He must be waiting to show Himself…He is just late…but He is coming…I wanted to be on the highway when He came…I wanted to see all His glory appear in the heavens and see Him take their car and hurl it….

“…It would be better a millstone be tied…” I could see the actual words written in the sky…He was on His way…He was merely coming in His time…But He WAS coming…He had to. The world was upside down and inside out…this was the nonsense world the last chapter of His book talked about.

………………………………................................GASP………………………………..........................................

Gideon built his army and God said…God said, no…It has to be about me……………

I could not wrap my brain around His will. I am the great manipulator…I tried to force His will into my existence…He didn’t fit.

I tried to control His glory, He was to big.

I tried to twist His logic to fit my own, HE IS GOD.

My battle was not as I expected…If we had won we would have been vindicated in this world. This world is not relevant to the spirit…the spirit is only relevant to the natural.

All the pain, suffering despair, turmoil, harassment, cruelty, rage…

It took me a year to get it.

To understand His will.

I see them everywhere…my victims…..His beautiful victims.

Reminds me of a dream I had during the darkest of my days. I was on a beach walking along the tide. I little girl ran up to me. She took my hand and thanked me. I was confused. I didn’t know why she had said that, she pointed behind me…I looked and there was a long, long, never ending line of children…she said, “they are yours….they all want to say thank you…but keep walking…we are following…”

……….So I keep walking…I keep moving forward….that had NOT been my battle…It would have been about me had we won…besides, by this time I hadn’t wanted repercussion…I wanted freedom and peace and new life for my injured children. I wanted them to have freedom from their pain…from their despair…and I wanted to love the dirty, broken around me because there are so, so many.

….so that is the battle…and no one knows of me….so it is all about Him….and we walk forward…each of us….each of the victims who become victors…we walk forward.