a hiccup of truth...

Crazy…crazy…crazy…
Crazy - not showing good sense or practicality
Insane - considered legally incompetent or irresponsible because of a psychiatric disorder.
showing a complete lack of reason or foresight

Ya…na I am not those things, Maybe that’s why I confuse people…I am very practical,ok ok I can TEACH practicality. I do have good sense…I just desire to leave it behind me ,sometimes. I have great reasoning skills…I have taught myself. In fact, none of these things came naturally to me…I am today a mass of introspective reflective thought. Many ,many years of therapy and being an astute student of human nature I can bobble aimlessly between ‘normal’ and crazy whimsically.
Buhahahaha
If I were in my natural state…whossh jump back … stupidness would cascade around me endlessly. I am in control of me because I taught myself diligently how to be ok in a world that ,at best pisses me off and at worst terrifies me.
Please don’t tell people how I feel or what I think because I may be misunderstood… again. If I cared at all I would have explained myself.
Hmmmm, we be called crazy…
We be called delusional…
We be called fucked up…
All it really means is that we do not think in the same way as most others. I mean who made who, right?
I mean really I am able to care for me and my children, somewhat, maybe not like you do, but we manage. We eat, buy clothes, have fun. Homework gets done. Basic skills were learned. I even threw in this thing called faith for good measure. Now not everyone can say that! I may not do the things you do to look the way you do. That was never my goal. My only intent was to not be shackled or handcuffed, or force fed medicine.
If you ever had even the slightest idea how hard I have worked, really worked to ‘be’ normal for my girls. Each word dissected and analyzed and taken apart to see if there was any delusion. Each moment detailed to make sure there was no residual lunacy attached.
I do not succumb to my madness…I beat the shit out of it daily! For my girls… only for my girls…
There are times I must be silent, the screaming in my head is so loud! In those times I refuse to articulate sound…I have no idea how it will come out ,if it will come out, if I will get those looks I loath, Silence was always my best defense. My mind might be tumbling with delusions, but fuck you…you wont get to know it! The silent times are best described as, ‘I don’t feel very good right now.’ and I don’t. It never feels good to go insane. Sometimes its just plain bothersome! Sometimes I visualize it this way… Im hanging onto a huge boulder. Im hanging off the side , clinging to the side with my bleeding fingertips. My girls are hanging onto my arms trying to keep me with them, My mouth opens but I cant speak…I slip a little farther…I look into their eyes, ones eyes are filled with fear, the others are filled with love…it is then that I can let go and cascade into it…if she has love then she can draw strength from that and I can fall ,peacefully because she knows I will be back…I mouth the words, ‘im so sorry’ as I fall…
….it IS peaceful when I can fall, it is so hard to stay all right. So much work. So hard, so hard, so hard. Being diligent to the moment that everyone is living in is excruciating. But I will remain until they are ready, until I know they will be ok…I will cling breathless, and bleeding to the rock until they let me go…
Purging the delusions that chase me when I dream…I try to refocus my world to meet yours.