Crazy…crazy…crazy…
Crazy - not showing good sense or practicality
Insane - considered legally incompetent or irresponsible because of a psychiatric disorder.
showing a complete lack of reason or foresight
Ya…na I am not those things, Maybe that’s why I confuse people…I am very practical,ok ok I can TEACH practicality. I do have good sense…I just desire to leave it behind me ,sometimes. I have great reasoning skills…I have taught myself. In fact, none of these things came naturally to me…I am today a mass of introspective reflective thought. Many ,many years of therapy and being an astute student of human nature I can bobble aimlessly between ‘normal’ and crazy whimsically.
Buhahahaha
If I were in my natural state…whossh jump back … stupidness would cascade around me endlessly. I am in control of me because I taught myself diligently how to be ok in a world that ,at best pisses me off and at worst terrifies me.
Please don’t tell people how I feel or what I think because I may be misunderstood… again. If I cared at all I would have explained myself.
Hmmmm, we be called crazy…
We be called delusional…
We be called fucked up…
All it really means is that we do not think in the same way as most others. I mean who made who, right?
I mean really I am able to care for me and my children, somewhat, maybe not like you do, but we manage. We eat, buy clothes, have fun. Homework gets done. Basic skills were learned. I even threw in this thing called faith for good measure. Now not everyone can say that! I may not do the things you do to look the way you do. That was never my goal. My only intent was to not be shackled or handcuffed, or force fed medicine.
If you ever had even the slightest idea how hard I have worked, really worked to ‘be’ normal for my girls. Each word dissected and analyzed and taken apart to see if there was any delusion. Each moment detailed to make sure there was no residual lunacy attached.
I do not succumb to my madness…I beat the shit out of it daily! For my girls… only for my girls…
There are times I must be silent, the screaming in my head is so loud! In those times I refuse to articulate sound…I have no idea how it will come out ,if it will come out, if I will get those looks I loath, Silence was always my best defense. My mind might be tumbling with delusions, but fuck you…you wont get to know it! The silent times are best described as, ‘I don’t feel very good right now.’ and I don’t. It never feels good to go insane. Sometimes its just plain bothersome! Sometimes I visualize it this way… Im hanging onto a huge boulder. Im hanging off the side , clinging to the side with my bleeding fingertips. My girls are hanging onto my arms trying to keep me with them, My mouth opens but I cant speak…I slip a little farther…I look into their eyes, ones eyes are filled with fear, the others are filled with love…it is then that I can let go and cascade into it…if she has love then she can draw strength from that and I can fall ,peacefully because she knows I will be back…I mouth the words, ‘im so sorry’ as I fall…
….it IS peaceful when I can fall, it is so hard to stay all right. So much work. So hard, so hard, so hard. Being diligent to the moment that everyone is living in is excruciating. But I will remain until they are ready, until I know they will be ok…I will cling breathless, and bleeding to the rock until they let me go…
Purging the delusions that chase me when I dream…I try to refocus my world to meet yours.
Monday, February 21, 2011
my real response...
A kaleidoscope of thoughts…
I can’t make a simple statement, simply.
The concept is to broad…to vast…to encompassing…to fragmented.
My wisdom, knowledge, education, and experience propels me to speak rationally, yet passionately.
I do not have simple opinions, simple thoughts, one dimensional thinking.
I must put into my theses all of my experiences which are vast and complex.
Simply put…I believe in everything and nothing simultaneously.
Do I believe in the rights of women.
…well yes, yes I do!
Even if it encompasses abortion! You ask simply; laying a blanket thought on a huge tapestry of emotions, thoughts, ideas and arguments. Simply asked, I still cannot answer you simply. My thoughts just don’t stifle themselves to a couple of words…sorry.
I have witnessed all sides of abortion. I find it repugnant that I must declare my freedom of thoughts just because I think that women have the right to choose for themselves without relying on government agencies who are vastly ill equipped to educate and treat women in a fair and impartial factual teaching.
Should I slow down? Or are you still with me?
Why is it that abortion, an extremely personal experience, has become such a public display of pure hatred is beyond me. I feel we waste so much time arguing and fighting over something so life altering that we somehow forget the travesty that is done to the women’s spirit in the name of choice. It is the fanatical, simple minded thinkers, however menial, that has turned this life altering event into a simple question of right or wrong. Minimizing such a vast question into our opinions have propelled this travesty to the degree we continue to fight about today. The act is to dimensional to limit it to one question, but instead of talking about the real life effects abortion creates we end up debating the idea of right or wrong…when we are not the judge or the jury or God Himself.
Stop trying to simplify the question…you merely end up talking in circles about something you have no experience or history in. Your circular rambling hurts my kaleidoscope mind.
I’ve had blood thrown on my car…
I’ve had bible holding Christians spew hateful garbage at my car…
I’ve held women as they finally understand the depth of what they did, and realize they had been lied to…The trauma of the event reverberates inside their soul until they convince themselves that they are unworthy of anything resembling normal life, they become something less, something sub human, those you walk by because one choice has led to many other bad choices.
I’ve spoken softly to broken, scared, and grieving women that will not forgive themselves… the rest of their life is marked by the travesty of that one moment in time.
I’ve whispered Grace to injured children of God, who cannot fathom a God that could love them…’you don’t know what I’ve done’…they whimper as they lay lifeless in a fetal position on the floor unable to fashion together coherent thoughts as the anti- psychotic drugs try to cover the pain of their decision.
I’ve sat in building filled…filled…filled with women waiting in line to succumb to the lies that were told to them…no one looks anyone in the eyes…guilt is so thick in the room you can hardly breath.
Until you have held the hand of a twisting, petrified women who is facing the worst decision of her life…you may not speak to me on this subject.
….And then when you hold the child that was born , in spite of that moment, then you can begin to talk to me about redemption, forgiveness, grace and immeasurable love.
Everything else feels so menial, I laugh at the audacity that pretends to make sense to your simple way of thinking.
Right or wrong.
I’ve had to pick up to many pieces of broken lives that sprung from those moments…I do not usually give the time to answer such infantile questions, but it needed to be said…again.
I have witnessed the miracle of letting God be God in those moments of decisions. If I interject myself into the moment it would make me responsible to their future….good or bad…I’m not that strong, intelligent, or responsible. I don’t have the time to take on the responsibility of holding someone’s hand the rest of my life. I don’t want to be the focus in someone’s life…I am nothing but a speck of dust in a miniscule of time…I am not God!
Should the government be able to decide what I do with my body? Sure, When they can begin to pave the roads efficiently, balance their own checkbooks, educate my children effectively, feed and clothe the poor, take care of the injured children … then they can begin to move onto something so personal as my, and my daughters body!
Not to even mention the fact that women were having abortions way before we began to say the word aloud in a pubic forum. Birth control rights were won in part because women were willing to risk their lives to accomplish what they felt were their only option. Ok ok ok I have way to much to say on so many parts of this subject. I’ve done my studies…maybe now you should do yours.
I can’t make a simple statement, simply.
The concept is to broad…to vast…to encompassing…to fragmented.
My wisdom, knowledge, education, and experience propels me to speak rationally, yet passionately.
I do not have simple opinions, simple thoughts, one dimensional thinking.
I must put into my theses all of my experiences which are vast and complex.
Simply put…I believe in everything and nothing simultaneously.
Do I believe in the rights of women.
…well yes, yes I do!
Even if it encompasses abortion! You ask simply; laying a blanket thought on a huge tapestry of emotions, thoughts, ideas and arguments. Simply asked, I still cannot answer you simply. My thoughts just don’t stifle themselves to a couple of words…sorry.
I have witnessed all sides of abortion. I find it repugnant that I must declare my freedom of thoughts just because I think that women have the right to choose for themselves without relying on government agencies who are vastly ill equipped to educate and treat women in a fair and impartial factual teaching.
Should I slow down? Or are you still with me?
Why is it that abortion, an extremely personal experience, has become such a public display of pure hatred is beyond me. I feel we waste so much time arguing and fighting over something so life altering that we somehow forget the travesty that is done to the women’s spirit in the name of choice. It is the fanatical, simple minded thinkers, however menial, that has turned this life altering event into a simple question of right or wrong. Minimizing such a vast question into our opinions have propelled this travesty to the degree we continue to fight about today. The act is to dimensional to limit it to one question, but instead of talking about the real life effects abortion creates we end up debating the idea of right or wrong…when we are not the judge or the jury or God Himself.
Stop trying to simplify the question…you merely end up talking in circles about something you have no experience or history in. Your circular rambling hurts my kaleidoscope mind.
I’ve had blood thrown on my car…
I’ve had bible holding Christians spew hateful garbage at my car…
I’ve held women as they finally understand the depth of what they did, and realize they had been lied to…The trauma of the event reverberates inside their soul until they convince themselves that they are unworthy of anything resembling normal life, they become something less, something sub human, those you walk by because one choice has led to many other bad choices.
I’ve spoken softly to broken, scared, and grieving women that will not forgive themselves… the rest of their life is marked by the travesty of that one moment in time.
I’ve whispered Grace to injured children of God, who cannot fathom a God that could love them…’you don’t know what I’ve done’…they whimper as they lay lifeless in a fetal position on the floor unable to fashion together coherent thoughts as the anti- psychotic drugs try to cover the pain of their decision.
I’ve sat in building filled…filled…filled with women waiting in line to succumb to the lies that were told to them…no one looks anyone in the eyes…guilt is so thick in the room you can hardly breath.
Until you have held the hand of a twisting, petrified women who is facing the worst decision of her life…you may not speak to me on this subject.
….And then when you hold the child that was born , in spite of that moment, then you can begin to talk to me about redemption, forgiveness, grace and immeasurable love.
Everything else feels so menial, I laugh at the audacity that pretends to make sense to your simple way of thinking.
Right or wrong.
I’ve had to pick up to many pieces of broken lives that sprung from those moments…I do not usually give the time to answer such infantile questions, but it needed to be said…again.
I have witnessed the miracle of letting God be God in those moments of decisions. If I interject myself into the moment it would make me responsible to their future….good or bad…I’m not that strong, intelligent, or responsible. I don’t have the time to take on the responsibility of holding someone’s hand the rest of my life. I don’t want to be the focus in someone’s life…I am nothing but a speck of dust in a miniscule of time…I am not God!
Should the government be able to decide what I do with my body? Sure, When they can begin to pave the roads efficiently, balance their own checkbooks, educate my children effectively, feed and clothe the poor, take care of the injured children … then they can begin to move onto something so personal as my, and my daughters body!
Not to even mention the fact that women were having abortions way before we began to say the word aloud in a pubic forum. Birth control rights were won in part because women were willing to risk their lives to accomplish what they felt were their only option. Ok ok ok I have way to much to say on so many parts of this subject. I’ve done my studies…maybe now you should do yours.
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