I’m stuck between tearing off my scab and letting it bleed or leaving it alone and letting it heal.
If I let it heal…has the poison left or will it eventually effect my entire body?
If I keep picking at it will I scar severely?
It’s a mind fuck of what ifs.
I don’t know how I should feel. I really liked not feeling anything. Silence. I felt silence. My thoughts were silenced.
I stare.
I stare at nothing and let the slideshow of memories freshly wound me yet again.
New memories.
Memories I had almost forgotten.
Those memories were kept back it seems to disable me …or was it to taunt me…I wanted so bad to purge them all at once to be ok once again. I keep forgetting it will never be ok again…not ever.
Each fresh memory takes every ounce of breath I have ….It leaves me powerless to intake air.
I turn my mind to focus on…
Please give me something else to think on.
Or is that wrong too.
 Should I pick my wound or leave it to scab…

I wake to find myself running through my hall deep in the night. In my dream state I can feel him trying to tell me something…something important….something that will help me rest again…he is talking but I cant hear him.
It makes perfect sense, this telling he tells  to me in this state of between dreams…this state of almost sleep I reside in… But when I am fully awake I cannot grasp the thoughts.
I fear it is like dreaming that you should make coffee in the toaster. While your in the ‘in between’ state of dreaming, it makes perfect sense to make coffee in the toaster…but when you wake…the thought is ludicrous.
Are these wakeful dreams I try to run from just as ludicrous?
I wake running and the image of his little face in my dreams…its like he is shouting, he wears a sad face…he is trying to say something, but I can‘t hear him…