understanding my musings

Lots of talk this weekend about narcissism.
I think that I have at the very least a glancing romance with the concept, ailment, self preservation.
I meet most interesting people everyday…
You will never know them…I do not write from their position…I write from my perception of…and my parallelism to them….narcissist! It makes my writing safe. I give nothing up of their anonymity. Their confidentiality is well protected.
….cuz all my writing is ultimately about me…and what I may have learned from the most interesting person in front of me!
So with that disclaimer attached...I can begin.
Re-reading my last blog I wonder what I was trying to say…I had started it before and then went back and finished it later. It leaves me wondering if I made my point, if I got to my thesis statement…idk.
What was my point? I think my original thought was the difference between loving God and God loving us…
Me loving God would never have changed the outcome in that little room so long ago. I loved a lot of things …they didn’t matter as I burned my life up.
I think the thought that someone, a deity or something bigger then me….could truly love me. Really love me. I had NEVER felt that before…not really. The extent of love always ended all sweaty and sad because it was not truth. It was a way to release pent up feelings to feel good for a couple of seconds.
Love was a used up word that had no power.
But this love that preacher man spoke about was so abstract yet so visceral that it boggled my inexperienced mind.
Why has always been my ever constant question…I went in search of the reason why This God could love me… why when I was trying so hard to be unlovable.
When I started digging…I found…I found this unqualified love that the world still cannot grasp. I know they don’t know, even though they proclaim THEIR love for God…but how about HIS love for them! I think that is the correct way of thinking…or maybe I’m wrong.
If you walk into a crack house and tell a scared fucked up girl to love God. It falls so very short. How can she love if she has no history of it. But, to tell her of HIS love….that is life altering. No reason for Him to. He doesn’t have to. He chooses to…that is all.