rebirthing...

I was told to rest…
I suck at doing what Im told to do…Only one person has ever had any kind of influence over me…and he is long gone from my life…so I continue to suck at doing what Im told. But that’s a long boring story of almost happensance that makes me look bad…so I won’t go there. I miss you Gordon!!!!!
Instead today I write about love…the real deal love. Love that I still don’t completely understand…but wholeheartedly crave.
My daughter teaches me…
She teaches me what love is…
She always has…
I’m in awe of her ability to ALWAYS know…
She makes me feel weak and strong all at once.
Hmmmm, I held her as she went through the rebirthing of her soul…I watched as she tore the death shroud from her tiny delicate face with such defience it made me weep.
I have waited for such a time as this…
She has NEVER wavered…
Without a word she will put a song on to play,and that song will take me back to a time when I thought I knew something,when I thought I knew anything. Ever silent to me, she merely sings the words softly…sweetly.
Her past is littered with travesty, pain, disbelief,and pure torture. Yet she softly and sweetly sings of an undying love that I wish I could touch with my mortal hands.
My first moment of awe of her was when she refused to give in to unsurmountable odds stacked against us to win a battle. I only thought I knew what we were fighting. She told me delicatly…we do not fight against flesh and bone… she was eight.
I do not lead…I am a mere inteloper into her magical world of rightousness.
Her unquestioning faith leaves me speechless even as I scream to the heavens above about it all being fair… she quietly gets out a quote or a scripture…or a song…then turns away as I weep stupidly at my human nature.
…..Second moment of awe was after hearing the judges’ words… ‘yes, I believe these people commited these crimes…I believe the childrens testimony, I believe the defendants are guilty…I just don’t think this crime is worth 12 years in jail.’ How do you expalin that to nine year old ears? The disbelief I felt nearly took my life as it took my breath. I sat in a field and really tried to not breath…hateful breath…it would just keep me alive, and I couldn’t live in a world that tolerated…
….after hurling my bible across the field…
….she brought it back to me and gently placed it back in my lap, “this is not our world, Momma.” One truth…one love…one faith…
…rest…He said.
Again…I suck at rest…I took a look around me and saw…oh my Jesus I saw so many hurting with the same affiction that had been heaped on her. I tried to run away….He just kept bringing them to me and me to them…
Everytime I falter on my way back to Him who fills me so I can whisper truths to the legions around me…my daughter is there…picking up my arms for me when they are to heavy…
……we sat at the waters edge the other day. She was drawing in the sand. A thought cascaded to me from somewhere up above. “This is the time… such a time as this… she is ready…
……not sure what it means,yet….but I was reminded of a picture in my mind a long,long time ago… A time when she stood on a huge rock with her arms outstreached to the heavens…she wore headphones and a tiny mic was wraped around her head. Her eyes were closed and her small body swayed rythmatically…. The people around her had their arms lifted upwards towards heaven and she was speaking into the mic…and the faces around her were weeping…
…………………..such a time as this?