understanding my musings

Lots of talk this weekend about narcissism.
I think that I have at the very least a glancing romance with the concept, ailment, self preservation.
I meet most interesting people everyday…
You will never know them…I do not write from their position…I write from my perception of…and my parallelism to them….narcissist! It makes my writing safe. I give nothing up of their anonymity. Their confidentiality is well protected.
….cuz all my writing is ultimately about me…and what I may have learned from the most interesting person in front of me!
So with that disclaimer attached...I can begin.
Re-reading my last blog I wonder what I was trying to say…I had started it before and then went back and finished it later. It leaves me wondering if I made my point, if I got to my thesis statement…idk.
What was my point? I think my original thought was the difference between loving God and God loving us…
Me loving God would never have changed the outcome in that little room so long ago. I loved a lot of things …they didn’t matter as I burned my life up.
I think the thought that someone, a deity or something bigger then me….could truly love me. Really love me. I had NEVER felt that before…not really. The extent of love always ended all sweaty and sad because it was not truth. It was a way to release pent up feelings to feel good for a couple of seconds.
Love was a used up word that had no power.
But this love that preacher man spoke about was so abstract yet so visceral that it boggled my inexperienced mind.
Why has always been my ever constant question…I went in search of the reason why This God could love me… why when I was trying so hard to be unlovable.
When I started digging…I found…I found this unqualified love that the world still cannot grasp. I know they don’t know, even though they proclaim THEIR love for God…but how about HIS love for them! I think that is the correct way of thinking…or maybe I’m wrong.
If you walk into a crack house and tell a scared fucked up girl to love God. It falls so very short. How can she love if she has no history of it. But, to tell her of HIS love….that is life altering. No reason for Him to. He doesn’t have to. He chooses to…that is all.

I sat backed up to a darkened corner of the last room in the house and felt a thousand eyes watching my every move. Simple thoughts had ceased to resound authenticity as my manically overdriven mind attacked itself. I had been up for too long. Any guess at how many weeks would sound like pure lunacy. Days had stretched into weeks and weeks had become months, Impossible ,I know but when you live by the little hand held mirror and it’s little white lines become big white lines; time ceases to exist.
Backed into a corner of a darkened room because the tiniest sound surrounded my ears and became a mocking sneer at the paper world around me. I could find no safety, no comfort. My nose bleed freely ,but the real problem was the panic that filled my very essence. To much, to much, to much … I was busy trying to shrink from existence. I was very small by this time. The last time I had eaten was just a memory. Beer had kept my stomach from growling…that and the ever appearing white lines harnessed my appetite. I was a small form in a darkened room, whimpering at the sounds and darkened shadows around me. The very few people who had stayed to watch the total dismantling of my mind stood just far enough away from me to be safe, yet watch out for me.
They had called a preacher, weather to give last rites or to exercise the demons, that they could clearly feel, that were raping my mind, I’m not sure which.
I shuddered again and again. Racks of shudders attacked my body as I tried to curl further into myself.
A man, a stranger walked into that last room and stared down at me. His presence in the room made me feel embarrassment. Shame ran loosely through my thoughts. I was half clothed. Bikini top and cutoffs was all I had wore…for ever. hadn’t changed them since I had quit my job so many weeks ago. I say quit…I had just stopped going. I got lost the last time I had tried to go.
The man bent down to look into my eyes.
He was not made of paper…I could tell. He looked as if he were real. The shouting maniac voices hushed as he peered into my eyes. Even though I wore very little clothing, and felt such shame by that, he looked right into my eyes with such love that tears began to flow freely from my eyes. I wanted to rush into his arms, but my past abuses kept me backing further into the wall behind me. He leaned in, maybe sensing my absolute reluctance. “Jesus loves you Mary.” was all he said. But he spoke those words to me with such authority and conviction, that there was no room for argument. I looked down at the absolute nothing I had become, as shame tried to rape me again. “No,” he said gently as he reached out and lifted my face upwards. “ He loves you just as you are, dirty, and messed up. He came and died for you…YOU Mary! The power behind those words were the only thought that could pervade my delirium., Yet I quickly discarded the thought, anyway. My brain could not wrap around the idea of the child in a manger…The idea of a bruised and bloody man on a cross…the idea that this fictionist character could think anything at all. I had no history of a deity…beyond myself.
Still the thought tickled my mind.
Who was this Jesus.
And why would he care about me …here and now?
What did this preacher man mean?
My heart threatened to explode out of my chest…I had come to the end…
Lucid thinking wasn’t even a consideration.
Fear gripped me. My heart rapped against its enclosure as I tried to breath. The eyes were everywhere. Laughter echoed inside my mind.
I heard my friend tell me that I needed to eat. That I needed to sleep. My body twitched with the enthusiasm. I felt this at the thought of my own bed. I hadn’t been there in so long. I longed to see my apartment…my bed…my cat. The thought of my cat propelled me up. The rush of movement made my heart leap scarily. I steadied myself, and lurched out of the room. I ran to my car digging in my cutoffs for my keys. I got lost a couple of paces from the house and pulled over. I was completely overwhelmed with dread. I had no idea how to get to my house. Suddenly a mans face appeared in my car window, gently he spoke to me. “Follow me Mary.” “Just watch my red lights” It was my friends boyfriends face. He had saved me once before, when I had gotten lost trying to find my sisters house. That had happened several weeks ago. I was still out in the dark abyss trying to find my way back to the reality that I knew existed, but could no longer find.
I followed those lights all the way to my house, some five blocks away. My hands gripped the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white. Nausea was a constant companion.
Laying on my bed…I was so afraid to close my eyes…I was afraid I would just stop being. My body twitched endlessly. Silent laughter echoed inside my mind…slithering voices taunted me, “You will die if you close your eyes.”
I’m not sure how I lived through that. Not sure how long I was outside my mind. I merely know that it happened just like that.
The people that were with me during that time in my life are always so surprised to see me upright and talking. Why did I live? How did I live? What kind of madness did I bring back with me? I can’t answer any questions about my time in my personal circle of hell. I just know that I sit in my living room with my children and I am alive. The weeks after my mental death was no picnic either. I certainly drug something back with me. Or maybe I am just completely mad now and remember things from my fucked up perspective. The question still remains constant…what came first the crazy or the way to cope with the crazy. I don’t know.
What came next was a crazy, crazy scary time. I was breathing yes, but I was by no means alive. That man who told me about that dude Jesus tickled my brain. Fear was my ever present emotion. Fear kept me awake at night…all night. The only reprieve I felt was during the day, that’s when I slept. The raucous sound inside my head drowned out everyone’s voice who tried to speak to me. I found a bible…the hounds of hell mocked me as I ran frantically from one reprieve to another. I opened the book, but it made no sense to me. I may as well been trying to read a foreign language. It was a different language for me. It made no sense. The only part that held my brain in any way was the red part. Little sentences. I still had no idea what it was saying, but I felt less uncovered when I read it. I slept with the book on my chest when I took my nap, always during the day. I had to stay up at night. Slithering, horrid voices mocked me at night, every night. Fantastical things happened at night. I pretended normalcy during the day. I stared at people and watched their reactions so that I knew how to respond. I was afraid , so afraid they would find out that I was lost. Even my footsteps were calculated. I had to focus really hard just to put one foot in front of the other. Sometimes I got tripped up as I tried to walk. The function of it confused me and I would stumble.
Slowly my real friends came around to see if I was back, I had always disappeared for awhile…just not as long as this last time. They tried to talk to me and I just smiled and stared. Gone in my madness I could trust no one. The secrets of hell were being whispered to me as I tried to concentrate on the words my friends spoke that became fat puffy words floating between us. I had swore off drugs, any drugs…and I was drowning in sobriety. Tracing the beginning of my madness is precarious at best.
My friend tried to get me a job. I couldn’t even walk let alone walk with a purpose. Her husband took one look at me and told me to call when I felt better. He saw the madness in my stare, I think. Still they took care of me. They brought me food, and smokes. I must have been a good person before I fell. Everyone wanted to care for me.
My journey to clear thought was long and arduous. I traveled to the recesses of my mind. I had before always been the fun party girl. The one who could drink more then anyone…toot more coke then anyone, stay up longer then anyone. Do the most outrageous things…and laugh as I did them. But now…now…I was altered, different. That part of who I was scared the bejesus outa me…I couldn’t go back to that…so I had to create someone else. Who would that be?
Id like to stop here and tell you that I found Jesus and my life became crystal clear and beautiful. It did not.
I did try to understand.
I could not.
I wish it had been so simple…a few words recited in my presence and BAM! Angels sing and all is well…didn’t happen my friend.
I did try…I really did. I mean if you had the demons following you around you would try the crucifix thing too right? that’s what all the scary movies say. Get a cross and all will be well. That was the extent of my knowledge of God…what the movies said about him. So I slept with the bible on top of me . I wore a cross around my neck. In the middle of my sleep I would wake to my body involuntarily ripping the cross from my body and hurling it across the room. So…what now!? Ya no movie had covered that yet?
Real madness was yet to come…I had invited evil in and evil had come to stay… They fight voraciously for one of their kind. I would cry incessantly, please…I didn’t know…and laughter surrounded my mind…I couldn’t even listen to music any more…I could hear their tittering under the sound…and it sounded like they were plotting something…
You don’t know real crazy until you become very intimate with it…and feel you need to be kind to it…so that it doesn’t take you completely away.
Shiny Christians baffled me.
Smiling faces looked like sharks ready to eat my pretty face.
Their fear of me was apparent, I stupidly thought it was because I was evil…not because I was pretty. My perceptions were still not to be trusted.
I had to many questions for them. I really just wanted to know. I was not mocking…I was merely ignorant of truths they had learned as a child. I had not the same history. I was so thirsty.
So I read…when my brain could hold a thought for more then a second…I read…
I would no longer be…the dumb party girl…the giggling stupid girl…the girl who would only wear the latest fashion…I didn’t want to be pretty. I wanted to think. I could actually feel the lines forming in my brain as I read…as I learned. I read everything from C.S. Lewis to Dante. I tried to read the bible…eventually I grasped the concepts…on my own. As always on my own. I didn’t just read one version…I read everyone’s version and what they thought about it…I trusted no one…no one would EVER tell me anything…I had escaped my ring of hell and on one man would ever take me back.
….. I had escaped the lunatic in the mirror…
The battle remains constant…I am now a warrior…I choose my battles when I must. I see the debauchery around me…I still cant stomach shiny, fake…Jesus loves you thoughts. He does…I know He does…and I reconcile that I will never know why…but He really does. The knowledge I carry inside is deep and penetrating…He didn’t save me, when I asked…I didn’t even know at that time what I wanted saved from…But He did save me. He saved me when I screamed loud enough for Him to stop ignoring me and turned around to look at me laying on the floor. Not all at once. And not the first time I asked.
So when you look at me and think that you know what you see…remember that you do not.
When you stare into the abyss of who you are…the abyss stares back at you…
……answers aren’t so simple when you cannot ask the exact question.

today...

Rewinding myself…
Leaving my disarray behind me I journey forward to find a new color for my kaleidoscope of thoughts.
Unpacking my old feelings to see what will fit with my new thoughts.
Evacuating simple for more complex.
I take my backward glances to the imminent.
Like the Cheshire cat…I disappear…again. But just like Alice, if you are constant I will reappear again.
My focus changes like the wind, as it gently guides me forward.
Losing pieces of me used to be so painful…I gently remove the deep fingers of fear.
Cascading into oblivion I seek his essence in others.
Heroes come and heroes go…
My roots stay with me to expel inside my now.
He has become my constant… he journeys through without to much commitment, without any consequence. Is that what I needed all along?

this is today...

Adam, Where are you?
As I reread the pages of my past I wonder how we ever got to be where we are today… on or own.
God said to Adam, Where are you?
I try to answer the question for ourselves…”where are we?”
We are smack dab in the middle of today.
Not yesterday and not tomorrow.
Today.
Today we are healthy…more healthy then we have any right to be.
Today we choose to do the right thing.
Today we strive to be better then before.
Today we have a deep understanding of who we are and who we were called to be.
Today we are not angry that life has crapped on us. Today we use that said crap and turned it into real beauty and share it with the world around us.
Today we make no excuses.
Today we do not whine about fairness, and justification.
Today we march forward and ignore the pleas of the lazy, those that refuse to wear or seek the truth inside pain.
Today we dance.
Today we see the world in a way that we pray you never have to see from our perspective.
Today we love abundantly and exclusively those that have been betrayed by their circumstances.
Today we love.
Today we choose to laugh at the terror that tries to replace refuge.
Today we silently smile at those that wonder why we continue to go our own way.
Today we are disciples.
Today we have utter knowledge of truths we would never have chosen for ourselves…but desire to live it anyway…in spite of them.
Today we do not naively see the world through religiosity or uninformed listening to random truths.
We seek the answers for ourselves from authentic study and seeking of the reasons given to us from He who knows all the circumstances.
It has been quite a journey. We began our authentic study four years ago…it began in a quiet park doing specific studies, and trying to fit the truths into our personal existence. T hat has grown into a personal study of all truths from beginning to end.
From “Adam where are you?” to a deeper search for truths as they chose to slay us in the middle of our search.
I have read where we have come from…
Utter despair…true anguish…to silently picking up our cross and bearing the burden of unknowing judgments. We have come to a time of…such a time as this.
People that I know and trust have come to me and said, “I hope my child is like yours one day.” I keep hearing that, and I know that it is not lip service. I know because I want to be like them myself. I know they have been through fire and been through rain. And what they see is the end result of ugliness that has no boundaries. They became disciples of a God that is the only thing that can make sense to them in a world that continues to confuse them. Keeping it real in a façade of religiosity. We are shunned by the righteous, ignored by the good, and judged by the sanctimonious.
Meanwhile, The real deal hurting clamor to find the truth we easily share. The broken and bruised seek to touch the realness of who we are. They, the broken, instinctively know what they cannot know…but they do anyway. The hurting seek the absolute truth we can give…love. To authentically give yourself until you have nothing of yourself to give…begins the beautiful tapestry of giving them Jesus. The real deal Jesus…not the super shiny I love you , you love me kind of religious smiling to your face and ripping out your soul kind of beginner Christian.
I am no longer angry. I know that they just do not know.
I am so glad the religious Christians shunned us…we would never be where we could do the most good. We seek the truly troubled, and offer hope. We live inside authentic belief, despite unspeakable horrors…we could never have be both, church Christians and authentic disciples.

today

Perpetual motion.
Cyclical ponderings.
Ideologies of truth.
Wanton desires.
Aerobic nuances.
Brandishing love against the hate everywhere.
It is my weapon of choice.
The armor of truth. And the sword of rightousness.
Do I feel it every second…
Psht no fucking way.
My only hope is in the middle of my humanness I leak truth and love…and utter peace and safety.
The story inside my head wants…no, begs to be said…
It follows me to sleep and gently wakes me in the morning.
Collecting the tapestry’s of my mind to swallow the normalcy, I strive toward the goal…
Finding the wholeness of the story beckons me when I sit silently.

……
I have cut this out of a very large blog...I think in total it was about 24 pages...this is the point I finally got to...after ripping everyones heart open to get to my own pain.



…………………….Our destiny of finding the beauty in negative spaces…
Where we came from to where we are today…
I have a story inside, but I am still afraid… and tired…
More water, I need more water… I think I am in love with water… seriously, I think I need a nightly IV of fluids…
Ahhh clarity of thoughts….
…water is sublime…
Page 7 and I am still trying diligently not to write what will hurt me…make me look bad… condemn me to the outer circle of hell, ahhh Dante…you really do suck…
Now that I have verbally shattered everyone else…I can rip my heart open…again.
Mending myself as I purge the haunting stupidity of my mistakes…
Guilt sucks…even if you don't look at it ..it lingers and festers and boils over until…
I am not a good mother.
I am selfish, I am weak, I am stubborn, I am arrogant, I think I am always right.
Trepidation is folly…
I was thinking about "G's" Grandma … Then my miraculously untamed mind went to …me, of course…me ,mememememe… (you kind of have to sing that, It's a Railey thang.)
…I almost strangled my child on her own guilt and remorse as I tried to refrain from seeing mine…
I thought about Judy… I thought about the time frame of knowing her… I thought about the circle of hell we lived through, my little village and I… watch and wait, watch and wait…
There are two stories that helped me see my frantic madness. (Don't let the normalcy befriend you ..I was completely mad.)
I refused to believe that I could not have the child back that had been lost to me… Steven Kings, Pet cemetery story made perfect sense to me…(If you don't get this part read the book ,but don't watch the movie, cuz you still won't get the allegory through the movie.)
You must truly see how deeply entrenched I was in the complete restoration of my child. Selfishly…I was completely prepared to tear her fragile, delicate heart open to see if she was still there. And She was just as completely ready to let me…I am her mother after all…mother knows best…I am such a bitch!
As I ripped and shredded all the crap from her while she lay perpetually bleeding inside the pain and trauma of my pulling and tugging at her soul…
She's ok…
She's ok…
She's ok…
Her twin remembers…running to get a bowl for her to throw up in as we lay on the floor curled into one another… feeling the trauma all over again…shaking with the velocity of the suffering… medicated and still, so scared…the only way through… is through …right???? again, I'm such a bitch.
Just when her sore would begin to scab over…I picked and picked at it until it bled freely again…relinquishing any of the old to make a fresh new one…only to be picked at again…complete restoration… a word I didn't know yet, but the concept was there. The jackals of hell sat perched next to us, as I washed her non- tear stained face with the fresh washcloth that Fate always had ready…the jackals laughed and told me I was killing her ...she would never be the same…she was damaged…forever broken, doomed to never truly feel anything…
Two stories collide inside my mind as they were told to me…
I had wrapped my baby up in her death shroud.. .her death clothes like Lazarus, believing that I would have her back, snarling and biting at anyone that told me I couldn't…Forcing everyone to do just as I directed…
…. Cocooned and safe inside our misery we clung to each other… all three of us…
…I sat cross legged on the floor of my bedroom looking through the box of pictures… I realized our life was distinctly cut into two separate lines. Before the rape of my children and after. I even had the pictures marked in that way. Metaphorically, One box of 'before' and one box 'after'…unknowingly…until the Spirit of God came and smacked me around a bit…
I sat and looked at the picture of a smiling carefree baby that I clung to...the four year old I craved to hold and smile at…
…and I went away… I lost myself…I caved inside my misery… I suddenly became less… I closed my eyes and saw… an alter… way past a field of green, green grass. I see the alter now… it was made of rocks. shaped from huge rocks to form the alter…I heard a thought inside my head… 'Can you lay her down? Can you put her on this rock and remove her death shroud? Can you put her there and walk away. Remove her clinging fingers from your flesh and walk away? Give her to me…GIVE HER TO ME. Even if it means her death…can you let me have her? Take me to where you lay down your faith and then remove her death clothes, even if she dies… Even if she dies, can you give her to me…'
… suddenly I came back to myself and I felt her real physical presence next to me. She sat with me cross legged on the floor of my bedroom, and held a picture of herself in one hand from the 'before' box, and in her other hand she had a mirror…She wanted to show me…She was practicing …"Is this how I used to smile mommy," and she pasted her little face with the same smile in the picture of before ,yet her smile didn't reach her eyes, still she tried it again and again as I watched I horror… I watched my eight year old try to become four again…right in front of me…she put a mask on for me… for me…for me… so I wouldn't be sad… sickened, and disgusted… I watched her in silence as my heart broke open and poured the pain and tears I had tried so hard to keep in check…
"….give her to me…now!"
…time would not go backwards for me no matter how hard I prayed…
…yet, I couldn't let go…
I closed my eyes and went… To the place…that place …there was no reprieve there either… I saw the alter, I looked down and saw that I held her and she was covered in white cloths. I held her close to me and I began to shred from her the small pieces of cloths…she frantically tried to stop my tearing and pulling… I refused to look her in the eyes…I couldn't, it hurt way to much…she trusted me. I tore the covering I had given her to exist in,
…The apathetic covering of waiting for the miracle of time going backwards for Mary…
I felt my tears in the natural world rain from me… I tore at the cloths as she tried to stop me, I could feel her fear, her disbelief…she had just been trying to please me… then I pushed her up to the slabs of granite… she turned to cling to me…she was naked, uncovered, unclothed…Confusion was the only emotion on her face… I tore her free from me and pushed her onto the cold grey slab…
…death would be better then this… We could no longer exist inside this apathy…
… I would see her again…
….I didn't understand what was happening, or how it could happen…
…just that time was short and I better hurry…
I pushed her from me… My spirit screaming for help…because I was literally drowning in my own tears…
…choking, I turned and walked away as I heard her pleas for me to get her…come and get her… mommy, come back…
…As I opened my eyes again in the physical world around me, she was gone…frantic delirium coursed through me as I stood to find her…
…didn't mean it…
…Didn't mean it…
She lay on the couch, her face and head wet with moisture…she was wet… but never with tears… she was asleep…
…Each time after, I had to give her to Him… it hurt less and less…
Again and again I had to metaphorically push her to Him… I couldn't mend her…He was the only hope we had of any appeasement.
…So I made her cry…
…I had to make her mad…
She was deficient to any genuine feelings…
…she had become quite good at mockery…
…Fake, Fake, Fake… not authentic, suppressed emotions to appear normal…
Anger was the easiest to discover inside her blank walls…
I had to make her angry, and hurt… I had to make her feel something…anything… If she couldn't feel she would never heal, or mend…She would be broken and damaged forever… I would not have that… she would be doomed to manufactured feelings…fake…
Naming emotions did not work. Showing her emotions did not work…blank words on a page… while other mothers showed their five year old the alphabet cards. I was showing mine pictures of emotions on peoples faces. To be real… to feel again…
…I pushed her away again and again… 'not me, I can't save you.' I would whisper wretchedly… I pushed her away… back to Him… It hurt so bad…and I was frozen inside my fear.
…back to Him again and again…
…slowly she began to appear…
………………………………...........Ok, ok…I'll be real, tearing the scab from myself is not as painful, but still very scary…This is how it really went down… no more bull----. This is how I ripped her soul open… disgracefully. This is me, no restraints, undignified and callous, purging to get to the truth at any cost…are you sure you want to know me? Of course you don't! the picturesque leaves are falling outside but, it sounds like hail. Yet, the beauty inside the fall is breathtaking… like that, baby. Just like that.
I sat on the couch. She blankly sat across from me staring at me as she always did… I prayed as I always did…I could recognize the urgency in the feelings around me… She stared at me and I talked to God inside my head…
…and the jackals laughed, 'now she is out there on her own…your not there, no one is there…'
……conflicting thoughts collided……..
…make her feel…something, anything… pick an emotion… my bones ached with constant fatigue…I felt so heavy, my body was beginning to match my soul…So large and bloated with the emptiness around me…
…so tired…
So very tired…
… I began the rant…I didn't feel the words, I contrived them like she did. I mocked the emotion to hurt her…to make her feel… it felt horrible, detestable, acid in my mouth…
…She looked at me suddenly with a new light in her eyes…"mommy, don't say that…" her little girl voice begged me to stop, but I saw the light and felt hope even as I felt complete loathing for the way into her darkened soul…I hated the way my spirit felt as I purged into her soul, hatefully … But I saw the light in her eyes, then the tears came…TEARS! Real honest tears…I ripped her soul open and saw her inner recesses. She was not gone! …just hidden.
…"baby, do you know what that is your feeling right now…" She looked at me as big authentic tears sprung from her eyes…"hate" …she replied… It was the easiest emotion to find.
Frantically I took back all the unbearable words and fell at her feet in a heap… I explained to her that we had just felt her first emotion since the dismantling of her mind and soul. (Some four years earlier. While your child was learning to ride a bike, mine was learning how to feel real emotions again. so you'll excuse me if I can't live in your random world of 'he likes me better then you.. No, he likes me better…STOP! …I please God; not man.) I told her, It feels bad now… but don't let go of it yet…ride it … don't let go…
… medication would be needed and upped at each new emotion we uncovered.(muah! to all the doctors involved and doing exactly what I directed as I needed it and never questioning the pathway back.) we would have to search and find, and bring the feelings back to us…with excruciating lethargy… We were on a journey to find my Lyric and she was well buried.
….finding the beauty in negative spaces…
The path back felt like an eternity, but I see now that it was less then a year. Not even a real year…just a school year… ha, those people at our old school NEVER want to see me again…They thought it would be a great idea to move to another district …yeah, don't fuck with a momma bear. She can smell fear and she will blissfully rip your throat out if you come after her cub… (Really, and not just with words either, I was utterly prepared to battle anyone who stepped in my way.) A wounded cub is not to be messed with.
…purging yesterday to conquer tomorrow…
The battle is bloody and strewn with ugly debris. The bodies you leave laying in waste while you journey on cannot be calculated or respected as you force your way to the other side of authentic belief. It's like I have told my girls and my nieces before them…
…beauty is never painless…
…Pretend is fun, but it's not real…
…Fake is a sad charade…
…Truth is vital and analytical …
…fallacy is a nocturnal obsession…
… deliberate excuses are dangerous…
…fighting defiantly to get to a place where you can rest, as you reflect on the importance of the journey is paramount or you will find yourself without passion, or flavor… salt with no flavor… I implore you to Find a safe place to rest your head… the journey is great; even as the suffering is vast.
************************DISCLAIMER**********************************
Purging and posting the essence of the existence I cruise around in is eminent to the whys I dream about when I am not dreaming of Him, the Holy one. He is the way… the truth…and the life… the same yesterday…today… and forever…truly! I am busy examining the whys, as I careen, headfirst and laughingly into the past of the life I tried to leave behind. Have no fear as I hold you up to the microscope of who you are, I am also diligently peering into the abyss of who I am. I love me even though I am a bitch…I can, because He loves me even when I am un-lovable. I also give you the same consideration. Whispered promises of tomorrow can only make sense if you analyze and dissect the past. Or maybe I am completely insane by now and I am really an old lady reliving my past as I want to see it… no, no I think I would make myself look better if that were the case.
Anyway, we journey through from the things that hurt, my girls and I, and we are busy praying for those that made a difference in our life. There are so many. So don't be a hater…Experiences are stepping stones and we have been sent to do greater things then you can even imagine. I want to be afraid…but He won't let me. I want to stop ,but He won't let go…I owe Him my soul, so I give it to Him as I beseech you to remove the tentacles of the past from my spirit and let us bloom. I can't be who I was…I can only be who I am…today. Pure of heart, full of grace, blissfully happy uncovering Him and understanding the love He pours forth to me continuously. What a God!
************my postings will continue……I have purged all the hate and reserved only the love, so I will diligently march forward into the journey He put before us. Forever resting in the scriptures Luke 6;22-23,27-35 and 2 Corinthians 4;8-10.

Peace and Love,
Mary the great

Man I am a manic mess sometimes...re-reading my rapid fire thoughts confuse me now...It seems I had a lot to say and such a short time get there before I went in another direction. How anyone could read me and not see the fractured thoughts...idk...still there is good stuff in the middle of my madness I think...so I will repost this one as well.

take a deep breath, it’s a long one this time!

Back to the way back, baby…
Reflection of the truth I stumbled around a while back. Time has no effect on me, because it just runs away from me so quickly. My peeps remember with laughter how my clock is set to one time and one time only…I ,uh don't change the time during time change because it messes with my head…I lose myself…I must know what time it REALLY is…so they all call it 'Mary time'… but you just gotta add or subtract the real time or whatever…whatever that means. My clock doesn't change.
Yah, my new boss has only just met me ,but he already knows me better then most people… he told me the other day, 'why is it when I talk to you, I feel like I am chasing my own tail!' teehee… I am not sure if I am offended by that or not…hmmm. Funny thought though, I do know that!
Anyway, that was not why I started writing today. I saw a picture yesterday. It was a picture of the girls. It was taken on a day that haunts us when we sleep. Fate had found it and asked if we could throw it away…burn it…or tear it up? I wouldn't let her, because… They were so small, so young… strange how one picture in time can take you back to a place in your head…negating all the history and truth that pulled you out of the pit of nasty that in one instant tried to kick the breath outa ya the first time around. It's like in a movie, all you get to see is the tunnel vision…like everything zooms into that one instant. And the feelings you had in that one instant crashes into your now, overpowering the peace you tentatively hang onto. 'Breathe', the voice in my head shouts…'breathe…your not there , it's not happening now, your out… breathe, deep breaths.'
Uh, That's not the point either…
The point is… taking responsibility in my history. Remember random and purpose…yah, I wasn't insane when I wrote that...not quite… just chasing my own tail, man. (I have always understood the Cheshire cat in Alice in wonderland.) Random…random things causing chaos in spite of your purpose or maybe because of your purpose. I am not going to go back to read what I wrote…I hate to do that… my old writing is like smoke…or dominoes. I build upon them until I can get to the other side…right or wrong...I don't care… it's who I am …no apology's…please don't make me go back and dissect what I said once…It's degrading and demoralizing for me. I'm already way past it, baby…are you tripping over my thoughts of yesterday, oh well, wait until you hear what I think today! Psht… mortals, teehee …just kidding! Tina, if your reading this: I can feel your eyes rolling.
I like to read Lord Byron, right...he said one time when asked, why does he write , he said I don't want you to become me, or even like me, I want you to take my thoughts and find your own way there, or around them… if ya can…or not…your call. Ok yah, I paraphrased, but there it is. Ya know build your own history and if my thought made you think about something…then I am done. I feel liberated...again, no apology's. Chasing your own tail, right. If you don't like it then stop reading it…right, just because it's there and handed to you. you don't have to take a hit off it…right? Just say no…right? I can, and have said , no for over 11 years now, no thanks ,man I got a better high then you can find in this world!!!!
I digressed again, dancing around the pain in the telling of the truth.
It was my fault. I was the adult and I left my girls in the care of others, innocently.
We all have choices, right? Random will slap you silly… sometimes. But the truth inside random is that there can be a purpose to it, if ya let it. But first you must take the responsibility of your actions, however innocent, however simple it seems...people will sometimes get hurt... Even when you mean no one any harm. Your innocently trying to do what you think is best for everyone and someone gets hurt.. Random.
Take responsibility for it so you can move forward.
It's like this…
I didn't mean for someone to hurt my children. It was never even a thought in my head… innocently I took my girls to a free babysitter. Something terrible happened. I didn't cause it. I didn't ask for it. I didn't invite it. I didn't even fathom the possibility. But wham! Random came and brought its friend chaos and raped our collective souls.
Crying, no,no… screaming out to Him…. my love, the maker of my soul. I raged why… "Ripples…ripples from the pebble thrown into the pond." You throw two pebbles in, no matter how far apart their thrown, the ripples will eventually run into one another causing an effect, right? I could sit back and scream , I didn't mean for that to happen, but it wouldn't change their history, it would only cause them more pain? Denial is a real bitch. Just because I didn't mean for something to happen it didn't take away the trauma of the random happening. I had to take my part in their history, my bad choice, my decision, my pebble. I had to say my sorry… Our councilor argued… hell everyone argued…and we stayed in our own circle of hell, until I looked my daughter in her angry eyes and told her my sorry for my wrong choice. I meant no harm …BUT, my pebble caused a current that could not be taken away no matter what we did...it would remain…no matter how hard we prayed ,no matter how hard we tried to ignore it...it was there. No do-overs. History is complete in the instant you breath. You can't take back some things…you can't pretend it isn't there. What's done is done. Call it what it is. Take responsibility for it. Name it, tame it, but you can't control it…it is what it is. Cogs in the wheels right? We don't mean to hurt other people …we just do by mere randomness. Our intent must matter, yes , but responsibility of our misguided intent must be analyzed first.
Meaning no harm, but causing a ripple in the pond of our existence is our personal responsibility to learn from … or , comprehensively… to give into. Releasing yourself into the random, allows the purpose to emerge beautifully. Take a breath and allow the beauty of your ripples...it's like taking your hands off the death grip of yesterday to get to the promise of today. Ahhhhh. that's it, man. It's when I took my hands off my version of reality, and what everyone else was telling me, and let Jesus show me the promise He had for me… I saw the truth. Undoing me to find Him…oh, oh, oh that's it , man…teehee, I love living inside my head… or, ya know… you can just have another drink, smoke another joint, live inside your own pride, live inside your self created destiny, deny your responsibility in the chaos around you...ya know… whatever…Or take the truth and bring it very close to your face and kiss it seductively even when there is unbearable pain.. There is beauty in the truth however painful it is. When you come out from the dismal belief in a half truth you can find the inner working of the cogs and wheels and not be scared…
….if your scared…go to church… ha, ha, ha …sorry! inside joke…some of my readers will get that and if you don't get it … don't get offended … it wasn't meant for you, baby. Ahem, your not my only reader. Remember, I belong to heaven. I know who defines me! I know who I am…do you?
The end of my tail is simple, yet unyielding…I'm not gonna stop writing…it's who I am, who I have always been, who He created me to be. The Written word creates intimacy, between the writer and the reader...it always has…it always will. If you don't get that...I don't know why your even reading me! I read blogs all the time and I comment the writers…all the time. Intimacy is important for me, it propels me to new levels. I take full responsibility for the intimacy I relate and try to propel forward, but as a reader, you must take responsibility for your own passionate responses. Knowing the writer should not deviate the feelings of intimacy, or incur the wrath of the emotions that are provoked by the written word. That would be your bad… or your childish rejection of a innocent thought that got deep into your soul, in spite of yourself. Ya know, show you who you fear you have become. Muah!…always…muah!
Reminds me of the time I drove my friend through a group of protestors at an abortion clinic…they didn't know what was going around our heads.,…they didn't know as we drove away from them that she was still pregnant, because instead of me telling her and controlling her destiny and becoming her god I let Jesus do what He came to do. I let God be God, because I have complete faith in His abilities…and I know I am only human and mortal. I don't want to screw anything up He is trying to do and I know His ways are so way better then mine…yah, her baby is now almost one and everyone still wants to fight about it…
Mystical, really …holding a baby that you fought for; without saying a word…living and breathing His beauty, His love, His glory…not mine, not me… I'm a speck in the dust… but authentic beauty releases me to the truth of His love...and she now is one of us...whoop, whoop… who would have thought a thought like that… a nice complete family reaching out for the kingdom of heaven, maybe not from your history…not the way anyone thought they would get there…but getting there anyway…in spite of the obstacles. I took me out, I left me behind… I let my dramatic, and fervent prayers be answered and now we have one family more for His glory! Not mine…not me, man. Being a disciple to His people as He would if He were with them, instead of us; mere mortals trying to control the outcomes before us. If I have learned anything from my history it is that my way is not always His way…I don't get it when I am in the middle of the chaos or trauma that I feel around me…but I have utter faith that He will bring it to an end and I will have complete understanding if I take my death grip off of it and let Him lead me. It was a hard lesson for me, as I am such a control freak, and I know what should happen to make my picture perfect life complete. I mean I absolutely know what I want to happen to make everyone happy… but I can't make everyone happy.(I sooooo wanted to tell her exactly what to do…I mean I am older and wiser and…of course killing is wrong….but it wasn't about me, was it? ..I wasn't even a trespasser into her mind…I had to be a blank slate . He had to be there in my place.) Telling her what to do is not my job. My job is to love, indiscriminately…unquestionably…and absolutely. Bring the love ,baby…the rest will follow…let yourself go and become crazy in love…gotta ,gotta have it…I'm a love a love addict!!!
"Live vivaciously, love deeply, and pray fervently.
Remember to give with simplicity and serve with humility.
Still, observe that meekness does not necessitate weakness.
Therefore, when challenged by obstacles, fight with tenacity."
T.D. Jakes
Oh yeah! Nothing in the world more attractive than a man on his knees at the alter of Christ…oh yeah…It's a big world and I have seen many things lately …I glimpsed a piece of heaven last Sunday… I felt the pull of authentic belief as a young man , with not one thing left to him… let his face crumple into a mask of absolute remorse and fear. He stumbled to the alter of my God and lay at the feet of the only hope he could feel as his world collapsed into the oblivion he thought he had control of. The utter pain and humility and total disregard of anything else in this world receding from his tentative grasp on this world left him clutching and grasping at a Deity I intimately know and love. I was humbled…unreservedly humbled by the love of Gods grace and love…
humbling yourself to the will of Jesus Christ is a beauty that equates to nothing else. I've been roaming for awhile now. Roaming inside the confines of where He directs me to visit. Picking up pieces of life and discarding the negative as I go and seek His face, My Being a watcher into the service of other Disciples… watching those around me reach out to a Deity, that they know is the only thing that can save them when they are down to that last breath…ahhhhhh...That's my peeps, man… gotta, gotta have it. Love addict….That's where I want to live, and praise and love…A disciple… a revolutionist… absolutely, and utterly alive in a second of time. Breathing deeply the love that is offered, however tentatively and fearfully. Offering it anyway… There is ,I think authentic beauty in the stunning fear of the Deity that created me. Or ,ya know…I could be wrong…just a thought I am currently chasing. Wanna run with me????