My latest descent into the rabbit hole…

Musings from an altered state…
I have traveled into the darkness, yet my resurface has a brighter level of clarity then any I have seen as of yet.
WTF do I mean???
While I continually refuse to name my ailment…because, I repudiate being their word. I have learned if I let someone name me then I am in danger of becoming what they say I am…as they will only see ANY of my behavior through the lenses of their said diagnosis. Still my obvious skipping over ‘their’ word for my continued weirdness gives them a little control over me…and that pisses me off.
Schizophrenia, Schizophrenia, Schizophrenia, Schizophrenia…
ahhh, feels good from this perspective, but I am sure my reader is cringing with fear, or rolling their eyes, or carefully averting their gaze… but alas…I do not write for the ‘right’ minded individuals…so you can move onto another bland way of disorganized thinking….I write for others like me…
My many conversations with others with diagnosis’ like mine has let me see the realities of life from a very strange advantage point. (Oh yes I said advantage NOT disadvantage, your social security check is a slap to my own sense of security).
Let us begin, I’m a crazy bitch…that’s right…that’s right…just like the song says….but I am really, really, really a crazy bitch. And I am ok with that so lets all work together to all be ok with…Hahahahahahahahhahahhahahhahahahahahahahah…. sorry…I love to mock the absurdity of psychoanalysis…
I think to better have an understanding of my personal thought process you must know this. I have been counseled, psycho analyzed, injected, confined, bound and gagged…ect…and the concept I wish to force on the world at large as they continuously force their view onto me is this…
I’m not saying be like me or think like me(God forbid)….But know and please refrain from trying to make me think like you. I cannot. I have lived most of my life trying to swallow your pills and your concepts and your ideas. I have pretended normalcy ,for normalcy’s sake. I have disappeared into my own personal rabbit hole when the voices command me to do so. I have been complacent when I need to be complacent. I have been silent when I know(the thoughts/voices warn me) you ache to lock me up. After all these years I can no longer ‘isolate’ because I frighten you with my thoughts. (I ponder is it the fact that I can think that frightens you or is it that I make you think that frightens you ?)
Wearing my own skin without apologies is a desire we, we schizophrenic scary, fucked up, multiple personality, voices hearing, seeing shit that you cant see, out of control, crazy, insane, FUBAR-ED(fucked up beyond belief) desire more then being released from what you call our insanity. We like our world. Its when your world collides with our world that we have a problem. Maybe its when your world wants to control us and we just want to be left the fuck alone with the imagined beauty in ours. OK, sometimes we can get a little bent. I admit it, but ask yourself this, if we are bent is it because we are bent or is it that have a great idea that we cant control and must follow it and we cant shower, get dressed, converse about anything else, go to work, be in the moment (I fucking hate trying to be in your moment when I am having my own).
……………………………gasp… taking a huge intake of air………………………………...........
I had to exist on the inside of rationality for a time. I tried to work inside the confines of mental health. They said they wanted to know, they needed to understand, they wanted to really truly help the completely fucked up, but they thought I was mildly fucked up…a little bi-polar, take a couple of pills and it be ok kind of fucked up, they had no Idea I represented the organism of insanity they valiantly fought with their swords of aversion and mind control.
I have a plethora of truly hysterical stories that will come out of this little endeavor of mine. Don’t worry they will come out and we will laugh and laugh and laugh…
ok, so the end of this rant is simple. In the words of a good friend and a passionate pastor , “while your trying to convert others to your belief. know that they are just as diligently trying to convert you to their beliefs.” What I took by his statement is simple. While you are meticulously putting band aides on gaping wounds, covering up real feelings with little pills… trying to control the uncontrollable, hugging the insane with their own arms, they might just be trying to tell you a secret,
…..shhhhhh it is a secret that we know, the ones before us knew it , after their death you herald them as great and mighty thinkers, so be careful of the labels you carelessly place on our souls today. Your children’s children may be reading about our thoughts and reveling in the ‘new’ notions you tried to heroically suffocate.

( for the metal heath world that may one day read this there is a dictionary or thesaurus at your disposal on any computer, I’m just saying, if you want to keep up with me)

learn-gasm

Learn-gasm

I love that word… let me explain why. But first let me tell you about how I discovered it.
Please know first and foremost… I’m a geek, a nerd… I f’ng love to look unusual stuff up on the internet. yes ,yes I do have a facebook, myspace, ect…but that is not my drive, my passion.
I used to ALWAYS hang out in the library. Yep, I rocked that library, baby. I love the smell of old books, but even more then that I love to find a book that hasn’t been touched in awhile and discover truths that have sense passed into fallacies. I love knowledge. Not for knowledge sake, but because it makes my brain tickle. It makes me feel good! and we all know I love to feel good!….did I hear an amen???!!!
I love new thoughts…something I didn’t know before. Maybe because I grew up very, very slowly… what I mean is that I thought that the world consisted of parties and playing, so when I learn something…. its brand fucking new to me…I didn’t know that…really, really didn’t know that. So in essence any thought deeper then a new white line on a hand held mirror is a new thought for me! Maybe that’s why I hang out with people younger then me…I’m their same age mentally! I partied through the years I was supposed to be thinking and discovering.
Anyway, I continually look up broken word thoughts and see where it takes me…and sometimes its delicious!
One day I was looking up, uh… I think it was great thinkers…and bam! the word learn-gasm popped up on the screen. I unreservedly get that thought! When I am in the middle of a great discovery…a new train of thought….a prose that I have never thought of… and then I find it written somewhere…anywhere. I experience a earth shattering, trembling to my toes kinda learn -gasm! oh oh oh oh! so delicious!!!!! wah-bang!!! complete submission to the sensation until I can become one with the thought/feeling. In absolute anticipation of when I come to the end….you have to excuse my pun!
Learn-gasm…. can you feel it???
Every now and then I start to take myself way to fucking seriously… In the middle of my search for my finishing …uh, my own personal ‘gasm‘, I have a propensity to climb inside my head….and then off I go inside my head and people start looking at me weird…and try to make me take medicine. Humph! all I really ever need is a…learn-gasm! a way to push my thought all the way through to the end! To a fucking great finish! teehee, That song by Jackyl… ‘dirty little mind’ is on repeat inside my brain!
…….ok ok ok so now you know… ya prolly know more about me then you intended.

Who I want to tell you that I am...

I want to tell you about myself…But then you would know me and I may distress you…or you might think you know me ,and then in future blogs I may disappoint you. Hmmmmm, I think I will merely be a shadow of a thought for you. A shadow that you can’t quite see, yet you absolutely know that I am real. My thoughts may entice you to anger or bestow you abandoned delight. My thoughts may simply amuse you or they might make you think. I do however promise that you won’t be bored. Unless you don’t like to think in which case you need to scurry on to a more palatable blog. I am thought to be many ,many things….but boring will never be said of me. Secondly it may help you to know that I don’t readily think like most other people. I do not say that arrogantly. Many times I wish that I did fit better into the norm way of thinking. I think I could become very comfortable and free, happy in my own skin sort of way of being. Instead of always having to explain myself to others in such great detail that I begin to bore myself. Either get me or go away. I don’t really have the time or the energy to spoon feed simplistic wonderments. You bore me! how bout that. Some people like to put labels on my way of thinking…I won’t bore you with the details of that little game. But I warn you there will definitely be times that you ache to bring me some lithium…or some anti -psychotics…don’t bother…I wouldn’t take it!
Like Alice who has certainly fallen into the rabbit hole we should dive in head first.
Let me begin by telling you that I have a prolific mind. My mother used to tell me just stop talking and write it down, so I can read it later. I had to many thoughts and I made her head hurt from listening to my endless talking. So I write, and I write a lot. My need to share my ideas. It comes from that very moment in my mothers kitchen when she told me to write it down. What she implied by her statement was not that I should write, it was that I should just be quite a minute so she could mash the potatoes, and not wonder with me about why the rainbow began its color scheme easily instead of pounding our mind with its abrupt appearance. The colors just sort of fade into themselves….
Finding the beauty in all around me has been a battle I like to explore. Even the ugliest event, if taken under intelligent consideration can become beauty if we coax it long enough.
enlightened reasoning is the cornerstone to which I live and breath. I cannot abide in simplistic for to long or I really do go mad. Madness is a delicate balance between knowing your reasoning is odd and believing it to matter to those your destined to interact with.

A casual strol through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything

I love this quote by Nietzsche! In fact I have been quoting this man for some years now. This is my new favorite quote. The words speak to my spirit. I have walked the halls of lunacy from the inside and from the outside. What I mean by that is that I have been deemed clinically insane, so I set out to define what they could possibly mean by their menial study of my beautiful mind. While in the midst of my tumultuous study of me I became educated in the realm of crazy. I get crazy. I see it everywhere. Before I digress into the absurdity of mundane vernacular of the boring people sitting across a big desk with a piece of paper of their degree decorating their wall. All the while they beg for 'wonderful pieces of art' from their patients to decorate the emptiness of their life. psht...If someone shoves another crayon at me with a blank piece of paper and asks me to draw for them...I may explode. But then of course they would wrap me up with my own arms and try to suffocate my soul as I struggle to be heard above the meds that then course through my veins.
I knew I would digress into my own drama...sorry.
I have walked the halls of 'hospitals' and I have walked the halls of churches. You cannot have a conversation with a clinically crazy person without them talking to you about religion. Church people don't ever talk about God, they usually keep the conversation to the the latest ministry they are pimping, or the need for some more money for the new youth sumtin or other. But if you want to talk about God and what he really means to people go to the crazy house...they can't talk about anything else. They, ahem, we can't help but intimately know and understand the deity that created us. It's just second nature into the discovery of who we are and why we think the way we think. It is what it is ,baby!
Blind faith is a disease of mediocrity. Faith, to me anyway, interchanges with hope. To me it is the almost panting need and desire to hope that you are right after all. faith is like the outside of a thought. its a hope, desire... hmmm, Let me be more clear. what I mean is I don't have faith that God exists. I know He does, its not a question of faith...It's a deep intimate knowing. Faith to me is like a child singing ever so sweetly Jesus loves me yes I know. Its a great thought, to have faith that you blindly take into account something someone tells you as truth. But where is your truth in that, where is YOUR belief. It seems to me to be very menial and tainted and simple and sweet...but not very smart. Its not very intelligent, not at all real or authentic. I prefer to find the answers for myself. many of those I see stuck in the middle of a sing song analysis of Jesus are stuck smack dab in the middle of their own insanity and to me are to lazy to figure the crap out on their own. They to me are to lazy to figure out what is really happening inside their hearts or minds. OK I could talk forever about this thought I think. But then you would be in danger of taking on my thoughts for yourself and still being the mediocre masses I see all around me.

The secrets of the universe are clear afrer you have experienced the secrets...and not before. Becouse before you are just a lame nobody with some external knowledge of what someone has told you. External knowledge is not legitimate. I will merely smile sweetily at you as you try to mimic the ponderings of someone else. I include all mimicry in that thought. The many doctors who have studied my certain ailment make me smile and push my vuloptuous breasts at them as they distract themselves from their empty thougths taht have been stolen and I laugh and laugh and laugh....
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