Crazy…crazy…crazy…
Crazy - not showing good sense or practicality
Insane - considered legally incompetent or irresponsible because of a psychiatric disorder.
showing a complete lack of reason or foresight
Ya…na I am not those things, Maybe that’s why I confuse people…I am very practical,ok ok I can TEACH practicality. I do have good sense…I just desire to leave it behind me ,sometimes. I have great reasoning skills…I have taught myself. In fact, none of these things came naturally to me…I am today a mass of introspective reflective thought. Many ,many years of therapy and being an astute student of human nature I can bobble aimlessly between ‘normal’ and crazy whimsically.
Buhahahaha
If I were in my natural state…whossh jump back … stupidness would cascade around me endlessly. I am in control of me because I taught myself diligently how to be ok in a world that ,at best pisses me off and at worst terrifies me.
Please don’t tell people how I feel or what I think because I may be misunderstood… again. If I cared at all I would have explained myself.
Hmmmm, we be called crazy…
We be called delusional…
We be called fucked up…
All it really means is that we do not think in the same way as most others. I mean who made who, right?
I mean really I am able to care for me and my children, somewhat, maybe not like you do, but we manage. We eat, buy clothes, have fun. Homework gets done. Basic skills were learned. I even threw in this thing called faith for good measure. Now not everyone can say that! I may not do the things you do to look the way you do. That was never my goal. My only intent was to not be shackled or handcuffed, or force fed medicine.
If you ever had even the slightest idea how hard I have worked, really worked to ‘be’ normal for my girls. Each word dissected and analyzed and taken apart to see if there was any delusion. Each moment detailed to make sure there was no residual lunacy attached.
I do not succumb to my madness…I beat the shit out of it daily! For my girls… only for my girls…
There are times I must be silent, the screaming in my head is so loud! In those times I refuse to articulate sound…I have no idea how it will come out ,if it will come out, if I will get those looks I loath, Silence was always my best defense. My mind might be tumbling with delusions, but fuck you…you wont get to know it! The silent times are best described as, ‘I don’t feel very good right now.’ and I don’t. It never feels good to go insane. Sometimes its just plain bothersome! Sometimes I visualize it this way… Im hanging onto a huge boulder. Im hanging off the side , clinging to the side with my bleeding fingertips. My girls are hanging onto my arms trying to keep me with them, My mouth opens but I cant speak…I slip a little farther…I look into their eyes, ones eyes are filled with fear, the others are filled with love…it is then that I can let go and cascade into it…if she has love then she can draw strength from that and I can fall ,peacefully because she knows I will be back…I mouth the words, ‘im so sorry’ as I fall…
….it IS peaceful when I can fall, it is so hard to stay all right. So much work. So hard, so hard, so hard. Being diligent to the moment that everyone is living in is excruciating. But I will remain until they are ready, until I know they will be ok…I will cling breathless, and bleeding to the rock until they let me go…
Purging the delusions that chase me when I dream…I try to refocus my world to meet yours.
Monday, February 21, 2011
my real response...
A kaleidoscope of thoughts…
I can’t make a simple statement, simply.
The concept is to broad…to vast…to encompassing…to fragmented.
My wisdom, knowledge, education, and experience propels me to speak rationally, yet passionately.
I do not have simple opinions, simple thoughts, one dimensional thinking.
I must put into my theses all of my experiences which are vast and complex.
Simply put…I believe in everything and nothing simultaneously.
Do I believe in the rights of women.
…well yes, yes I do!
Even if it encompasses abortion! You ask simply; laying a blanket thought on a huge tapestry of emotions, thoughts, ideas and arguments. Simply asked, I still cannot answer you simply. My thoughts just don’t stifle themselves to a couple of words…sorry.
I have witnessed all sides of abortion. I find it repugnant that I must declare my freedom of thoughts just because I think that women have the right to choose for themselves without relying on government agencies who are vastly ill equipped to educate and treat women in a fair and impartial factual teaching.
Should I slow down? Or are you still with me?
Why is it that abortion, an extremely personal experience, has become such a public display of pure hatred is beyond me. I feel we waste so much time arguing and fighting over something so life altering that we somehow forget the travesty that is done to the women’s spirit in the name of choice. It is the fanatical, simple minded thinkers, however menial, that has turned this life altering event into a simple question of right or wrong. Minimizing such a vast question into our opinions have propelled this travesty to the degree we continue to fight about today. The act is to dimensional to limit it to one question, but instead of talking about the real life effects abortion creates we end up debating the idea of right or wrong…when we are not the judge or the jury or God Himself.
Stop trying to simplify the question…you merely end up talking in circles about something you have no experience or history in. Your circular rambling hurts my kaleidoscope mind.
I’ve had blood thrown on my car…
I’ve had bible holding Christians spew hateful garbage at my car…
I’ve held women as they finally understand the depth of what they did, and realize they had been lied to…The trauma of the event reverberates inside their soul until they convince themselves that they are unworthy of anything resembling normal life, they become something less, something sub human, those you walk by because one choice has led to many other bad choices.
I’ve spoken softly to broken, scared, and grieving women that will not forgive themselves… the rest of their life is marked by the travesty of that one moment in time.
I’ve whispered Grace to injured children of God, who cannot fathom a God that could love them…’you don’t know what I’ve done’…they whimper as they lay lifeless in a fetal position on the floor unable to fashion together coherent thoughts as the anti- psychotic drugs try to cover the pain of their decision.
I’ve sat in building filled…filled…filled with women waiting in line to succumb to the lies that were told to them…no one looks anyone in the eyes…guilt is so thick in the room you can hardly breath.
Until you have held the hand of a twisting, petrified women who is facing the worst decision of her life…you may not speak to me on this subject.
….And then when you hold the child that was born , in spite of that moment, then you can begin to talk to me about redemption, forgiveness, grace and immeasurable love.
Everything else feels so menial, I laugh at the audacity that pretends to make sense to your simple way of thinking.
Right or wrong.
I’ve had to pick up to many pieces of broken lives that sprung from those moments…I do not usually give the time to answer such infantile questions, but it needed to be said…again.
I have witnessed the miracle of letting God be God in those moments of decisions. If I interject myself into the moment it would make me responsible to their future….good or bad…I’m not that strong, intelligent, or responsible. I don’t have the time to take on the responsibility of holding someone’s hand the rest of my life. I don’t want to be the focus in someone’s life…I am nothing but a speck of dust in a miniscule of time…I am not God!
Should the government be able to decide what I do with my body? Sure, When they can begin to pave the roads efficiently, balance their own checkbooks, educate my children effectively, feed and clothe the poor, take care of the injured children … then they can begin to move onto something so personal as my, and my daughters body!
Not to even mention the fact that women were having abortions way before we began to say the word aloud in a pubic forum. Birth control rights were won in part because women were willing to risk their lives to accomplish what they felt were their only option. Ok ok ok I have way to much to say on so many parts of this subject. I’ve done my studies…maybe now you should do yours.
I can’t make a simple statement, simply.
The concept is to broad…to vast…to encompassing…to fragmented.
My wisdom, knowledge, education, and experience propels me to speak rationally, yet passionately.
I do not have simple opinions, simple thoughts, one dimensional thinking.
I must put into my theses all of my experiences which are vast and complex.
Simply put…I believe in everything and nothing simultaneously.
Do I believe in the rights of women.
…well yes, yes I do!
Even if it encompasses abortion! You ask simply; laying a blanket thought on a huge tapestry of emotions, thoughts, ideas and arguments. Simply asked, I still cannot answer you simply. My thoughts just don’t stifle themselves to a couple of words…sorry.
I have witnessed all sides of abortion. I find it repugnant that I must declare my freedom of thoughts just because I think that women have the right to choose for themselves without relying on government agencies who are vastly ill equipped to educate and treat women in a fair and impartial factual teaching.
Should I slow down? Or are you still with me?
Why is it that abortion, an extremely personal experience, has become such a public display of pure hatred is beyond me. I feel we waste so much time arguing and fighting over something so life altering that we somehow forget the travesty that is done to the women’s spirit in the name of choice. It is the fanatical, simple minded thinkers, however menial, that has turned this life altering event into a simple question of right or wrong. Minimizing such a vast question into our opinions have propelled this travesty to the degree we continue to fight about today. The act is to dimensional to limit it to one question, but instead of talking about the real life effects abortion creates we end up debating the idea of right or wrong…when we are not the judge or the jury or God Himself.
Stop trying to simplify the question…you merely end up talking in circles about something you have no experience or history in. Your circular rambling hurts my kaleidoscope mind.
I’ve had blood thrown on my car…
I’ve had bible holding Christians spew hateful garbage at my car…
I’ve held women as they finally understand the depth of what they did, and realize they had been lied to…The trauma of the event reverberates inside their soul until they convince themselves that they are unworthy of anything resembling normal life, they become something less, something sub human, those you walk by because one choice has led to many other bad choices.
I’ve spoken softly to broken, scared, and grieving women that will not forgive themselves… the rest of their life is marked by the travesty of that one moment in time.
I’ve whispered Grace to injured children of God, who cannot fathom a God that could love them…’you don’t know what I’ve done’…they whimper as they lay lifeless in a fetal position on the floor unable to fashion together coherent thoughts as the anti- psychotic drugs try to cover the pain of their decision.
I’ve sat in building filled…filled…filled with women waiting in line to succumb to the lies that were told to them…no one looks anyone in the eyes…guilt is so thick in the room you can hardly breath.
Until you have held the hand of a twisting, petrified women who is facing the worst decision of her life…you may not speak to me on this subject.
….And then when you hold the child that was born , in spite of that moment, then you can begin to talk to me about redemption, forgiveness, grace and immeasurable love.
Everything else feels so menial, I laugh at the audacity that pretends to make sense to your simple way of thinking.
Right or wrong.
I’ve had to pick up to many pieces of broken lives that sprung from those moments…I do not usually give the time to answer such infantile questions, but it needed to be said…again.
I have witnessed the miracle of letting God be God in those moments of decisions. If I interject myself into the moment it would make me responsible to their future….good or bad…I’m not that strong, intelligent, or responsible. I don’t have the time to take on the responsibility of holding someone’s hand the rest of my life. I don’t want to be the focus in someone’s life…I am nothing but a speck of dust in a miniscule of time…I am not God!
Should the government be able to decide what I do with my body? Sure, When they can begin to pave the roads efficiently, balance their own checkbooks, educate my children effectively, feed and clothe the poor, take care of the injured children … then they can begin to move onto something so personal as my, and my daughters body!
Not to even mention the fact that women were having abortions way before we began to say the word aloud in a pubic forum. Birth control rights were won in part because women were willing to risk their lives to accomplish what they felt were their only option. Ok ok ok I have way to much to say on so many parts of this subject. I’ve done my studies…maybe now you should do yours.
Friday, September 24, 2010
musings
Wiping away the vapor that encapsulates my mind,I look around me like a toddler touching grass for the very first time.
Raidiating luminosity rains inside my brain freely…
Easily I take in the landscape around me.
Clinging to the past is not consequential.
There is nothing to be gained by standing still.
No ground to cover if I remain in the same steps that led me there.
Boredom teases me with melancholy.
My mind springs forth and travels well before my troubleome body relents to journey.
tresspassing into the confines of normalcy I remained unchanged.
My heart,my soul remains intact as I continue my search for more…
Pondering my ability to remain still…I seek the confines that will not shackle me.
Raidiating luminosity rains inside my brain freely…
Easily I take in the landscape around me.
Clinging to the past is not consequential.
There is nothing to be gained by standing still.
No ground to cover if I remain in the same steps that led me there.
Boredom teases me with melancholy.
My mind springs forth and travels well before my troubleome body relents to journey.
tresspassing into the confines of normalcy I remained unchanged.
My heart,my soul remains intact as I continue my search for more…
Pondering my ability to remain still…I seek the confines that will not shackle me.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
...and another
thoughts are floating around me as I scramble to make them sit still long enough for me to put on this screen…
giggling nonsense becomes solid as I strike the keys with my gentle strokings…
ahhhh, rapturous gluttany reminds me that I like to breath…
I pull the confines of my mind from the visegrip of normalcy…
fuck normalcy…
boring….mundane…un-glittering…ugly…
I feel the butterfly kisses of something I cant see but I can clearly feel… it gently touches my face on either side…I feel the satisfaction in the touch…I look into the eyes of a thought that has no form….
I raise my arms over my head as I feel the glitering speckles dance from my loose grip… I feel my soul laugh as I dance to the sound that lives in my head…
giggling nonsense becomes solid as I strike the keys with my gentle strokings…
ahhhh, rapturous gluttany reminds me that I like to breath…
I pull the confines of my mind from the visegrip of normalcy…
fuck normalcy…
boring….mundane…un-glittering…ugly…
I feel the butterfly kisses of something I cant see but I can clearly feel… it gently touches my face on either side…I feel the satisfaction in the touch…I look into the eyes of a thought that has no form….
I raise my arms over my head as I feel the glitering speckles dance from my loose grip… I feel my soul laugh as I dance to the sound that lives in my head…
and another
living inside the tapestry that I alone created I feel ashamed.
existing on the outside of the world around me leaves me cold and unresponsive…
Finding my hoarse voice that once screamed prolifically at the mundane around me…
they look at me but they don’t see me…
pain is truth…pain is real…It makes me feel real in a world that has no control over me…
Pain without love is a broken sentence that should never have been spoken…
Words fall from my fingertips as my mind races to scream the thoughts that threaten to overwhelm me…
rapture is a place I lost as I searched for…
what the fuck was I looking for?????
reality is a perception that only exists for the mundane…I cant live inside that reality…
It sufficates my laboring breaths as I beseech the night to release me from the cacoon of hate I wrapped myself in….
…I am nothing if not real inside the hate that trys to drown my voice from your ears.
Feeling the waves of color that surrounds your lips as they speak to me …
I fall into the colors as I rip my clothes from my quivering form…
My eyes…my eyes…my eyes try to tell you a story that my lips cannot declare…
shhhhhh, wait for the next wave of color…it will burst through the night like a wave from the ocean…crashing into the beach without remorse, without direction.
existing on the outside of the world around me leaves me cold and unresponsive…
Finding my hoarse voice that once screamed prolifically at the mundane around me…
they look at me but they don’t see me…
pain is truth…pain is real…It makes me feel real in a world that has no control over me…
Pain without love is a broken sentence that should never have been spoken…
Words fall from my fingertips as my mind races to scream the thoughts that threaten to overwhelm me…
rapture is a place I lost as I searched for…
what the fuck was I looking for?????
reality is a perception that only exists for the mundane…I cant live inside that reality…
It sufficates my laboring breaths as I beseech the night to release me from the cacoon of hate I wrapped myself in….
…I am nothing if not real inside the hate that trys to drown my voice from your ears.
Feeling the waves of color that surrounds your lips as they speak to me …
I fall into the colors as I rip my clothes from my quivering form…
My eyes…my eyes…my eyes try to tell you a story that my lips cannot declare…
shhhhhh, wait for the next wave of color…it will burst through the night like a wave from the ocean…crashing into the beach without remorse, without direction.
I fear...
I fear theres nothing inside....
standing agaist the dark purple night sky I reach out to something I cant touch…
Something I cant imagine...
where do I go…
Where did I go…
Im stuck inbetween where I was …and who I might be.
I am frozen in fear to make a move towards something I cant feel, yet I cant go back to where I came undone.
unraveling the truth to the nature of my personal beast I cringe in trepadation.
The cool wind falls over my shaking body as I try to peer into the window of who I am to be…
I feel the eyes of truth boring into my spirit as I try to cover my nakedness…
ashamed I try to make my nature unknown to the eyes around me…
helplessly I tremble inside my own demise as I cling to the empty covering of my past.
I shreik into the darkness that threatens to envelope me…
I cant get my lips to move…
the sound trys to erupt from my soul as I tear at my throat…
save me…save me…save me…
glamour falls to the bleeding earth as I stumble to more solid ground…
rumblings from an uncertain place makes my lips quiver with my truth…
I tear at the beauty that cascades from my bleeding soul as I try to find the me I once was…
standing agaist the dark purple night sky I reach out to something I cant touch…
Something I cant imagine...
where do I go…
Where did I go…
Im stuck inbetween where I was …and who I might be.
I am frozen in fear to make a move towards something I cant feel, yet I cant go back to where I came undone.
unraveling the truth to the nature of my personal beast I cringe in trepadation.
The cool wind falls over my shaking body as I try to peer into the window of who I am to be…
I feel the eyes of truth boring into my spirit as I try to cover my nakedness…
ashamed I try to make my nature unknown to the eyes around me…
helplessly I tremble inside my own demise as I cling to the empty covering of my past.
I shreik into the darkness that threatens to envelope me…
I cant get my lips to move…
the sound trys to erupt from my soul as I tear at my throat…
save me…save me…save me…
glamour falls to the bleeding earth as I stumble to more solid ground…
rumblings from an uncertain place makes my lips quiver with my truth…
I tear at the beauty that cascades from my bleeding soul as I try to find the me I once was…
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
rebirthing...
I was told to rest…
I suck at doing what Im told to do…Only one person has ever had any kind of influence over me…and he is long gone from my life…so I continue to suck at doing what Im told. But that’s a long boring story of almost happensance that makes me look bad…so I won’t go there. I miss you Gordon!!!!!
Instead today I write about love…the real deal love. Love that I still don’t completely understand…but wholeheartedly crave.
My daughter teaches me…
She teaches me what love is…
She always has…
I’m in awe of her ability to ALWAYS know…
She makes me feel weak and strong all at once.
Hmmmm, I held her as she went through the rebirthing of her soul…I watched as she tore the death shroud from her tiny delicate face with such defience it made me weep.
I have waited for such a time as this…
She has NEVER wavered…
Without a word she will put a song on to play,and that song will take me back to a time when I thought I knew something,when I thought I knew anything. Ever silent to me, she merely sings the words softly…sweetly.
Her past is littered with travesty, pain, disbelief,and pure torture. Yet she softly and sweetly sings of an undying love that I wish I could touch with my mortal hands.
My first moment of awe of her was when she refused to give in to unsurmountable odds stacked against us to win a battle. I only thought I knew what we were fighting. She told me delicatly…we do not fight against flesh and bone… she was eight.
I do not lead…I am a mere inteloper into her magical world of rightousness.
Her unquestioning faith leaves me speechless even as I scream to the heavens above about it all being fair… she quietly gets out a quote or a scripture…or a song…then turns away as I weep stupidly at my human nature.
…..Second moment of awe was after hearing the judges’ words… ‘yes, I believe these people commited these crimes…I believe the childrens testimony, I believe the defendants are guilty…I just don’t think this crime is worth 12 years in jail.’ How do you expalin that to nine year old ears? The disbelief I felt nearly took my life as it took my breath. I sat in a field and really tried to not breath…hateful breath…it would just keep me alive, and I couldn’t live in a world that tolerated…
….after hurling my bible across the field…
….she brought it back to me and gently placed it back in my lap, “this is not our world, Momma.” One truth…one love…one faith…
…rest…He said.
Again…I suck at rest…I took a look around me and saw…oh my Jesus I saw so many hurting with the same affiction that had been heaped on her. I tried to run away….He just kept bringing them to me and me to them…
Everytime I falter on my way back to Him who fills me so I can whisper truths to the legions around me…my daughter is there…picking up my arms for me when they are to heavy…
……we sat at the waters edge the other day. She was drawing in the sand. A thought cascaded to me from somewhere up above. “This is the time… such a time as this… she is ready…
……not sure what it means,yet….but I was reminded of a picture in my mind a long,long time ago… A time when she stood on a huge rock with her arms outstreached to the heavens…she wore headphones and a tiny mic was wraped around her head. Her eyes were closed and her small body swayed rythmatically…. The people around her had their arms lifted upwards towards heaven and she was speaking into the mic…and the faces around her were weeping…
…………………..such a time as this?
I suck at doing what Im told to do…Only one person has ever had any kind of influence over me…and he is long gone from my life…so I continue to suck at doing what Im told. But that’s a long boring story of almost happensance that makes me look bad…so I won’t go there. I miss you Gordon!!!!!
Instead today I write about love…the real deal love. Love that I still don’t completely understand…but wholeheartedly crave.
My daughter teaches me…
She teaches me what love is…
She always has…
I’m in awe of her ability to ALWAYS know…
She makes me feel weak and strong all at once.
Hmmmm, I held her as she went through the rebirthing of her soul…I watched as she tore the death shroud from her tiny delicate face with such defience it made me weep.
I have waited for such a time as this…
She has NEVER wavered…
Without a word she will put a song on to play,and that song will take me back to a time when I thought I knew something,when I thought I knew anything. Ever silent to me, she merely sings the words softly…sweetly.
Her past is littered with travesty, pain, disbelief,and pure torture. Yet she softly and sweetly sings of an undying love that I wish I could touch with my mortal hands.
My first moment of awe of her was when she refused to give in to unsurmountable odds stacked against us to win a battle. I only thought I knew what we were fighting. She told me delicatly…we do not fight against flesh and bone… she was eight.
I do not lead…I am a mere inteloper into her magical world of rightousness.
Her unquestioning faith leaves me speechless even as I scream to the heavens above about it all being fair… she quietly gets out a quote or a scripture…or a song…then turns away as I weep stupidly at my human nature.
…..Second moment of awe was after hearing the judges’ words… ‘yes, I believe these people commited these crimes…I believe the childrens testimony, I believe the defendants are guilty…I just don’t think this crime is worth 12 years in jail.’ How do you expalin that to nine year old ears? The disbelief I felt nearly took my life as it took my breath. I sat in a field and really tried to not breath…hateful breath…it would just keep me alive, and I couldn’t live in a world that tolerated…
….after hurling my bible across the field…
….she brought it back to me and gently placed it back in my lap, “this is not our world, Momma.” One truth…one love…one faith…
…rest…He said.
Again…I suck at rest…I took a look around me and saw…oh my Jesus I saw so many hurting with the same affiction that had been heaped on her. I tried to run away….He just kept bringing them to me and me to them…
Everytime I falter on my way back to Him who fills me so I can whisper truths to the legions around me…my daughter is there…picking up my arms for me when they are to heavy…
……we sat at the waters edge the other day. She was drawing in the sand. A thought cascaded to me from somewhere up above. “This is the time… such a time as this… she is ready…
……not sure what it means,yet….but I was reminded of a picture in my mind a long,long time ago… A time when she stood on a huge rock with her arms outstreached to the heavens…she wore headphones and a tiny mic was wraped around her head. Her eyes were closed and her small body swayed rythmatically…. The people around her had their arms lifted upwards towards heaven and she was speaking into the mic…and the faces around her were weeping…
…………………..such a time as this?
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