and another

living inside the tapestry that I alone created I feel ashamed.
existing on the outside of the world around me leaves me cold and unresponsive…
Finding my hoarse voice that once screamed prolifically at the mundane around me…
they look at me but they don’t see me…
pain is truth…pain is real…It makes me feel real in a world that has no control over me…
Pain without love is a broken sentence that should never have been spoken…
Words fall from my fingertips as my mind races to scream the thoughts that threaten to overwhelm me…
rapture is a place I lost as I searched for…
what the fuck was I looking for?????
reality is a perception that only exists for the mundane…I cant live inside that reality…
It sufficates my laboring breaths as I beseech the night to release me from the cacoon of hate I wrapped myself in….
…I am nothing if not real inside the hate that trys to drown my voice from your ears.
Feeling the waves of color that surrounds your lips as they speak to me …
I fall into the colors as I rip my clothes from my quivering form…
My eyes…my eyes…my eyes try to tell you a story that my lips cannot declare…
shhhhhh, wait for the next wave of color…it will burst through the night like a wave from the ocean…crashing into the beach without remorse, without direction.

I fear...

I fear theres nothing inside....

standing agaist the dark purple night sky I reach out to something I cant touch…
Something I cant imagine...
where do I go…
Where did I go…
Im stuck inbetween where I was …and who I might be.
I am frozen in fear to make a move towards something I cant feel, yet I cant go back to where I came undone.
unraveling the truth to the nature of my personal beast I cringe in trepadation.
The cool wind falls over my shaking body as I try to peer into the window of who I am to be…
I feel the eyes of truth boring into my spirit as I try to cover my nakedness…
ashamed I try to make my nature unknown to the eyes around me…
helplessly I tremble inside my own demise as I cling to the empty covering of my past.
I shreik into the darkness that threatens to envelope me…
I cant get my lips to move…
the sound trys to erupt from my soul as I tear at my throat…
save me…save me…save me…
glamour falls to the bleeding earth as I stumble to more solid ground…
rumblings from an uncertain place makes my lips quiver with my truth…
I tear at the beauty that cascades from my bleeding soul as I try to find the me I once was…

rebirthing...

I was told to rest…
I suck at doing what Im told to do…Only one person has ever had any kind of influence over me…and he is long gone from my life…so I continue to suck at doing what Im told. But that’s a long boring story of almost happensance that makes me look bad…so I won’t go there. I miss you Gordon!!!!!
Instead today I write about love…the real deal love. Love that I still don’t completely understand…but wholeheartedly crave.
My daughter teaches me…
She teaches me what love is…
She always has…
I’m in awe of her ability to ALWAYS know…
She makes me feel weak and strong all at once.
Hmmmm, I held her as she went through the rebirthing of her soul…I watched as she tore the death shroud from her tiny delicate face with such defience it made me weep.
I have waited for such a time as this…
She has NEVER wavered…
Without a word she will put a song on to play,and that song will take me back to a time when I thought I knew something,when I thought I knew anything. Ever silent to me, she merely sings the words softly…sweetly.
Her past is littered with travesty, pain, disbelief,and pure torture. Yet she softly and sweetly sings of an undying love that I wish I could touch with my mortal hands.
My first moment of awe of her was when she refused to give in to unsurmountable odds stacked against us to win a battle. I only thought I knew what we were fighting. She told me delicatly…we do not fight against flesh and bone… she was eight.
I do not lead…I am a mere inteloper into her magical world of rightousness.
Her unquestioning faith leaves me speechless even as I scream to the heavens above about it all being fair… she quietly gets out a quote or a scripture…or a song…then turns away as I weep stupidly at my human nature.
…..Second moment of awe was after hearing the judges’ words… ‘yes, I believe these people commited these crimes…I believe the childrens testimony, I believe the defendants are guilty…I just don’t think this crime is worth 12 years in jail.’ How do you expalin that to nine year old ears? The disbelief I felt nearly took my life as it took my breath. I sat in a field and really tried to not breath…hateful breath…it would just keep me alive, and I couldn’t live in a world that tolerated…
….after hurling my bible across the field…
….she brought it back to me and gently placed it back in my lap, “this is not our world, Momma.” One truth…one love…one faith…
…rest…He said.
Again…I suck at rest…I took a look around me and saw…oh my Jesus I saw so many hurting with the same affiction that had been heaped on her. I tried to run away….He just kept bringing them to me and me to them…
Everytime I falter on my way back to Him who fills me so I can whisper truths to the legions around me…my daughter is there…picking up my arms for me when they are to heavy…
……we sat at the waters edge the other day. She was drawing in the sand. A thought cascaded to me from somewhere up above. “This is the time… such a time as this… she is ready…
……not sure what it means,yet….but I was reminded of a picture in my mind a long,long time ago… A time when she stood on a huge rock with her arms outstreached to the heavens…she wore headphones and a tiny mic was wraped around her head. Her eyes were closed and her small body swayed rythmatically…. The people around her had their arms lifted upwards towards heaven and she was speaking into the mic…and the faces around her were weeping…
…………………..such a time as this?

flights of thoughts

Oh no oh no oh no….I need to go to sleep but my mind is racing. I cant stop thinking…and I don’t really want to. Writing to me is like reading…only backwards. I mean its not as if I get to make things happen that I want to happen…the story takes over and I end up just as surprised as anyone elses reading it. I love the place in my head I go to when I write…I used to be afraid when I had my girls, I thought I would go there and not remember to come back, and what if the girls needed me. silly thought I know. I think only other writers or true lunatics would understand that statement. There is just this wonderful place inside my head that makes my breathing in and out much easier. the world is less intense when I visit there regularly.
I saw a star fall from the sky tonight. the racing red color shot across the dark,black sky. the colors that radiated from its passing was illuminating as it passed over my head. I searched the night sky to find the reason for its release. The star seemed to be running from something or someone. The path it made as it ascended illumination brought fresh thoughts to my mind. I thought of ice cold crisp fall mornings. rapturous love radiated from my mind as I watched the star disappear from my view. I aimlessly let my mind wonder to the place in the sky it must have run to.

short thoughts I will elaborate on....

My spiritial journey continues…
I made my way through to the surface of reality once again…on my own.
Over the years I have asked for help from different organizations…I wish I would stop forgetting everything I have learned. I had to go back over my writings to find the surface again…so, again me and God have it all sorted out again! Don’t misunderstand I am NOT refering to a church I have never felt anything but scorn from them. No I mean the real deal, the alpha the omega, the one who created me this way despite the constant desire of others to change me.
My flowery speech is mine…u may not come and change it.
My thought process may be different…u cannot force reality on me.
My need to go into my head and drive out the negative…while it may be bizzare it is a nessasary way to purge the nastiness of this world.
You see I was never created for this world…that would be your mistake in your thought process.
I will never be able to become like you…why should I want to.
I don’t need to be cured…there is none.
I merely need to focus on the truth…and not to be told that I am insane becouse I really deeply believe in the scriptures.
When I think of all the others that are forced to live under the strain of your diagnosis…when all they really need is to hear the truth of the scripture…becouse the devil knows the word,and as long as he can distract,convice and lie…he wins.
Schitzophrenia is a way to describe sumone who is…
1. delusional…(believing in a world u cant see)
Christ was completely delusional…He spoke of a place they had never fathomed.
2. hear voices/thoughts…( do you not hear God speaking to you,and if yes then you most certainly hear the other side,as this is their world)
3. See things in a way that other people do not see. (please don’t blame me for your shortsidedness..I ANSWER TO A HIGHER CALLING.)
4. paranoia…If you know that people are secretly diagnosing and picking apart everything you do…uh,its not paranoia it’s fact.
5. disorganized speech…maybe just maybe I am thinking about something more important then which way I am going to drive home tonight.
igtg…but I just wanted to begin a little reality check!

I guess its time to put into place all the jagged little pieces of the puzzle that make up the last couple of years of my life.
Its time I journey forward…Its time I look beyond the today and into the tomarrow of the infinate chasm that lies vaporously before me.
If my destiny is not shared as a moth to a flame then it is time to journey forward into the reckoning of what is to be.
The sheer bordom of normalcy is a transparent waste of my time.
Living as if today is important is lifeless,as opposed to what the destiny of tomarrow has for me…
I teach my kids that…ALL my kids….today only matters because it takes you to tomarrow…you MUST focus on tomarrow…what is to be…and today is the step towards that!
sounds simple and theropy-like…but the truth of it is…tomarrow this will be a funny story…everything is funny..later…don’t take yourself so seriously. if you don’t like what is happeneing in your life change it! you alone are the creator of your destiny. re-invent yourself.
Lifes rapture can strangle you if you hold onto to tightly the belief that you or any other human knows what is good for you and your life.

…Continuing the conversation I have with myself whenever I find that I am all alone. Reflective thought is that way I make choices, yet as of late I have not had much reflective thoughts. I have been reacting to stimulas instead of acting on a belief I hold inside my soul.
ahhhh Its been way to long since I have stared at a blank white computer screen and written my thoughts.
I am not sure where Iwent…I only recognize that I have become who I had been without the liberty of bringing the new things I have learned forward…
Im not sure what you see when you look at me, but im pretty sure your concept is inept.
The world I see around me is to……..diminishing, to drastic, to mundane, to literal…
I miss Mary world………Marys world is pristine, concise, free, non judgmental…
Creating a life I can be happy in is random yet filled with purpose if you merley look at me long enough to see past my many,many pairs of shades that I must wear to hide the fear in my eyes…even as they prominantly drown out the glare of judgmental cruelty that I cannot abide in.
Exposing my weakness as you diligently hide yours makes me feel very,very dirty…and not in the way I prefer!
I don’t know…I travel the road put before me and I recognize little things about the people I collide with. Sometimes I see greatness trying to emerge…like a butterfly emerging from its caccoon…wings wet, legs whobbly, tenative glaces as they hide behind their supressed emotions.
Worse then becoming like the billions of other butterflys…it is not merely the fact that they have setteld to become like the others it is the fact that they could not truly see themselves as the anomaly that they were to become…worse yet for me I must watch the wind rip their wings from their back as they search for a safe place to land. ahhh, the search for greatness continues…