I fear...

I fear theres nothing inside....

standing agaist the dark purple night sky I reach out to something I cant touch…
Something I cant imagine...
where do I go…
Where did I go…
Im stuck inbetween where I was …and who I might be.
I am frozen in fear to make a move towards something I cant feel, yet I cant go back to where I came undone.
unraveling the truth to the nature of my personal beast I cringe in trepadation.
The cool wind falls over my shaking body as I try to peer into the window of who I am to be…
I feel the eyes of truth boring into my spirit as I try to cover my nakedness…
ashamed I try to make my nature unknown to the eyes around me…
helplessly I tremble inside my own demise as I cling to the empty covering of my past.
I shreik into the darkness that threatens to envelope me…
I cant get my lips to move…
the sound trys to erupt from my soul as I tear at my throat…
save me…save me…save me…
glamour falls to the bleeding earth as I stumble to more solid ground…
rumblings from an uncertain place makes my lips quiver with my truth…
I tear at the beauty that cascades from my bleeding soul as I try to find the me I once was…

rebirthing...

I was told to rest…
I suck at doing what Im told to do…Only one person has ever had any kind of influence over me…and he is long gone from my life…so I continue to suck at doing what Im told. But that’s a long boring story of almost happensance that makes me look bad…so I won’t go there. I miss you Gordon!!!!!
Instead today I write about love…the real deal love. Love that I still don’t completely understand…but wholeheartedly crave.
My daughter teaches me…
She teaches me what love is…
She always has…
I’m in awe of her ability to ALWAYS know…
She makes me feel weak and strong all at once.
Hmmmm, I held her as she went through the rebirthing of her soul…I watched as she tore the death shroud from her tiny delicate face with such defience it made me weep.
I have waited for such a time as this…
She has NEVER wavered…
Without a word she will put a song on to play,and that song will take me back to a time when I thought I knew something,when I thought I knew anything. Ever silent to me, she merely sings the words softly…sweetly.
Her past is littered with travesty, pain, disbelief,and pure torture. Yet she softly and sweetly sings of an undying love that I wish I could touch with my mortal hands.
My first moment of awe of her was when she refused to give in to unsurmountable odds stacked against us to win a battle. I only thought I knew what we were fighting. She told me delicatly…we do not fight against flesh and bone… she was eight.
I do not lead…I am a mere inteloper into her magical world of rightousness.
Her unquestioning faith leaves me speechless even as I scream to the heavens above about it all being fair… she quietly gets out a quote or a scripture…or a song…then turns away as I weep stupidly at my human nature.
…..Second moment of awe was after hearing the judges’ words… ‘yes, I believe these people commited these crimes…I believe the childrens testimony, I believe the defendants are guilty…I just don’t think this crime is worth 12 years in jail.’ How do you expalin that to nine year old ears? The disbelief I felt nearly took my life as it took my breath. I sat in a field and really tried to not breath…hateful breath…it would just keep me alive, and I couldn’t live in a world that tolerated…
….after hurling my bible across the field…
….she brought it back to me and gently placed it back in my lap, “this is not our world, Momma.” One truth…one love…one faith…
…rest…He said.
Again…I suck at rest…I took a look around me and saw…oh my Jesus I saw so many hurting with the same affiction that had been heaped on her. I tried to run away….He just kept bringing them to me and me to them…
Everytime I falter on my way back to Him who fills me so I can whisper truths to the legions around me…my daughter is there…picking up my arms for me when they are to heavy…
……we sat at the waters edge the other day. She was drawing in the sand. A thought cascaded to me from somewhere up above. “This is the time… such a time as this… she is ready…
……not sure what it means,yet….but I was reminded of a picture in my mind a long,long time ago… A time when she stood on a huge rock with her arms outstreached to the heavens…she wore headphones and a tiny mic was wraped around her head. Her eyes were closed and her small body swayed rythmatically…. The people around her had their arms lifted upwards towards heaven and she was speaking into the mic…and the faces around her were weeping…
…………………..such a time as this?

flights of thoughts

Oh no oh no oh no….I need to go to sleep but my mind is racing. I cant stop thinking…and I don’t really want to. Writing to me is like reading…only backwards. I mean its not as if I get to make things happen that I want to happen…the story takes over and I end up just as surprised as anyone elses reading it. I love the place in my head I go to when I write…I used to be afraid when I had my girls, I thought I would go there and not remember to come back, and what if the girls needed me. silly thought I know. I think only other writers or true lunatics would understand that statement. There is just this wonderful place inside my head that makes my breathing in and out much easier. the world is less intense when I visit there regularly.
I saw a star fall from the sky tonight. the racing red color shot across the dark,black sky. the colors that radiated from its passing was illuminating as it passed over my head. I searched the night sky to find the reason for its release. The star seemed to be running from something or someone. The path it made as it ascended illumination brought fresh thoughts to my mind. I thought of ice cold crisp fall mornings. rapturous love radiated from my mind as I watched the star disappear from my view. I aimlessly let my mind wonder to the place in the sky it must have run to.

short thoughts I will elaborate on....

My spiritial journey continues…
I made my way through to the surface of reality once again…on my own.
Over the years I have asked for help from different organizations…I wish I would stop forgetting everything I have learned. I had to go back over my writings to find the surface again…so, again me and God have it all sorted out again! Don’t misunderstand I am NOT refering to a church I have never felt anything but scorn from them. No I mean the real deal, the alpha the omega, the one who created me this way despite the constant desire of others to change me.
My flowery speech is mine…u may not come and change it.
My thought process may be different…u cannot force reality on me.
My need to go into my head and drive out the negative…while it may be bizzare it is a nessasary way to purge the nastiness of this world.
You see I was never created for this world…that would be your mistake in your thought process.
I will never be able to become like you…why should I want to.
I don’t need to be cured…there is none.
I merely need to focus on the truth…and not to be told that I am insane becouse I really deeply believe in the scriptures.
When I think of all the others that are forced to live under the strain of your diagnosis…when all they really need is to hear the truth of the scripture…becouse the devil knows the word,and as long as he can distract,convice and lie…he wins.
Schitzophrenia is a way to describe sumone who is…
1. delusional…(believing in a world u cant see)
Christ was completely delusional…He spoke of a place they had never fathomed.
2. hear voices/thoughts…( do you not hear God speaking to you,and if yes then you most certainly hear the other side,as this is their world)
3. See things in a way that other people do not see. (please don’t blame me for your shortsidedness..I ANSWER TO A HIGHER CALLING.)
4. paranoia…If you know that people are secretly diagnosing and picking apart everything you do…uh,its not paranoia it’s fact.
5. disorganized speech…maybe just maybe I am thinking about something more important then which way I am going to drive home tonight.
igtg…but I just wanted to begin a little reality check!

I guess its time to put into place all the jagged little pieces of the puzzle that make up the last couple of years of my life.
Its time I journey forward…Its time I look beyond the today and into the tomarrow of the infinate chasm that lies vaporously before me.
If my destiny is not shared as a moth to a flame then it is time to journey forward into the reckoning of what is to be.
The sheer bordom of normalcy is a transparent waste of my time.
Living as if today is important is lifeless,as opposed to what the destiny of tomarrow has for me…
I teach my kids that…ALL my kids….today only matters because it takes you to tomarrow…you MUST focus on tomarrow…what is to be…and today is the step towards that!
sounds simple and theropy-like…but the truth of it is…tomarrow this will be a funny story…everything is funny..later…don’t take yourself so seriously. if you don’t like what is happeneing in your life change it! you alone are the creator of your destiny. re-invent yourself.
Lifes rapture can strangle you if you hold onto to tightly the belief that you or any other human knows what is good for you and your life.

…Continuing the conversation I have with myself whenever I find that I am all alone. Reflective thought is that way I make choices, yet as of late I have not had much reflective thoughts. I have been reacting to stimulas instead of acting on a belief I hold inside my soul.
ahhhh Its been way to long since I have stared at a blank white computer screen and written my thoughts.
I am not sure where Iwent…I only recognize that I have become who I had been without the liberty of bringing the new things I have learned forward…
Im not sure what you see when you look at me, but im pretty sure your concept is inept.
The world I see around me is to……..diminishing, to drastic, to mundane, to literal…
I miss Mary world………Marys world is pristine, concise, free, non judgmental…
Creating a life I can be happy in is random yet filled with purpose if you merley look at me long enough to see past my many,many pairs of shades that I must wear to hide the fear in my eyes…even as they prominantly drown out the glare of judgmental cruelty that I cannot abide in.
Exposing my weakness as you diligently hide yours makes me feel very,very dirty…and not in the way I prefer!
I don’t know…I travel the road put before me and I recognize little things about the people I collide with. Sometimes I see greatness trying to emerge…like a butterfly emerging from its caccoon…wings wet, legs whobbly, tenative glaces as they hide behind their supressed emotions.
Worse then becoming like the billions of other butterflys…it is not merely the fact that they have setteld to become like the others it is the fact that they could not truly see themselves as the anomaly that they were to become…worse yet for me I must watch the wind rip their wings from their back as they search for a safe place to land. ahhh, the search for greatness continues…

fragmented thoughts make sense...if you listen

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher. ~Ambrose Bierce, Epigrams

Perfection in my personal analysis of myself.
If everybody contemplates the infinite instead of fixing the drains, many of us will die of cholera. ~John Rich

…and this makes complete sense to me…I wish I wish I wish I could just turn my mind off and stop contemplating …why,why,why…and fix a damn drain. If it were only so simple.
I try very, very hard to just …to just be…and then the infinite thoughts come and I must attack them with my mind and dance around the ideas until it makes some kind of sense to me...or there is absolutely no rest for my brain… nothing shuts down the process of deliberation for me…NOTHING. The endless questioning inside my mind turns and turns and questions endlessly until I find the answer…and it almost never fixes a drain…although sometimes it does!
……A secret to the universe is that if you pose a question to the universe...the universe will try to answer you… you must be patient…it will answer, it must… or I am completely mad…but I don’t think I am.
I met this dude one time and he showed me patterns on the ground that had just appeared out of no where…he kept seeing the same pattern everywhere he went. the pattern would just appear out of no where…from a rain puddle to a clump of bushes… the very same pattern.
…copious amounts of Risperdal could not erase the message he was receiving.
JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ
I know this other dude that had the same sentence spoken to him over and over again from different people…the same thought given to him over and over and over again…he knew it was crazy…he asked to be given more anti-phycotic meds…the sentence was making him crazy…He was woken in the middle of the night with this simple thought… he heard it on tv.(the report written was that he was extremely psychotic and he thought his tv was sending him messages)…but the thought kept building and building… he saw it on street signs…every random word spoken to him related to that thought… extra injections were given…constant supervision was given…he became very agitated if you spoke to him while he was busy having his own personal thought… he had to have the end of the thought…he thirsted for it…his hunger for the end of the thought. the thought was to be engulfed and filtered and then released…
……………after the all the injections and proposed supervision was given…he was still what we clinically termed…‘bat shit crazy’. I asked to go and have a moment with him… after much deliberation I was allowed to go…alone…no one else was brave enough…dude was utterly insane. unable to speak about anything but his thought…and his thought was so fragmented that he could not gather it all together to make sense, for the rest of the world. it only made sense to him…and any other schizophrenic psycho that was not stuck in their the middle of their own madness at the time.
………………..crazy gets crazy…it just does…unless of course they are both psychotic at the time. at which time the conversation is just great amusement… but I digress…………
……………………dudes mumblings did not make sense to the outside world that ran from his crazy ass… they didn’t stop to listen…..
…………………..The stench from his constantly pacing form made rational people keep their distance…. crazy is contagious……….
……………………..When I looked into his eyes…because believe it or not…crazy people do have feelings… when I really looked at him with compassion…I saw the dude I had known before trying desperately trying to get out…he was valiantly stuck inside his own mind…a prisoner of his own thoughts…or voices or what ever the norms like to call it…. He knew he was crazy…and he was stuck….
……………………………wild misconception………. crazy people know they are being crazy….that’s where the clinical term isolation comes from…sometimes…. sometimes isolation merely means we wont let YOU in the fucking door! write isolating on the fucking admit slip baby! see if they keep me locked up when I am being no harm to anyone else, just isolating…or cooking up a great fucking thought!
…………………………..sorry,sorry sorry…its my blog though…I can be socializing psycho if I want, right!
……………..when I looked into his eyes…I could see him trapped inside…my heart broke into a thousand pieces…my mouth took off without my brain…again.
….
“tell me your thought” I begged.
itscrazyitscraqzyitscrazy’ spiraled out of his clenched lips. the pain of trying to keep his fragmented mind in one piece was almost to much to bear. He anticipated fear and departure from me…I did not give it to him… I plopped down on the dirty nasty floor and swatted scurrying roaches as I begged him to tell me his story. His face contorted with extreme pressure as he tried to find his way to the surface. I waited patiently…I would not look at the time on my phone…as time would stand still until I heard him escape from himself… I would lie my ass off in the next meeting in order to release him from his prison of fear… in short, fuck them and the people who try to cure us. I knew the cure…it was absolution and sometimes absolution does not come in the form of an hour.
He stood to his feet in a jerking movement and when I did not jump up to run away he looked down at me and melted to the floor himself. ( do not try this at home…teehee, I’m a fucking idiot) I will fear no evil I will fear no evil was on repeat in my brain…we do not fight against flesh and bone…
……………as he positioned himself cross legged on the floor across from me…we smoked Marlboro reds until his story could be dissected then discarded…and when his story…his thought was fragmented together patiently…put into order…then it could either be analyzed for safe keeping or discarded forever…but make no fucking mistake it had to be analyzed to the end.
………………….thoughts are like that with FUBAR people… My family explains my strange behavior this way…she just thinks to much…ya…simply put…I THINK WAY TO FUCKING MUCH!

(If your wondering about the secret to his universe he shared with me...you will just have to wonder into oblivion…it is NOT my story to tell…I know many, many secrets…I know great stories…but they are not mine to share…that would be a great raping of a soul I could not fathom …we each have our own….I choose to share mine…because I must…others choose to smoke theirs away…others hide from theirs…lunacy is a hiccup in the middle of breathing…sometime you choke…but sometimes a friend comes along and pats you on the back until you can catch your breath… a true friend keeps your secrets)