I guess its time to put into place all the jagged little pieces of the puzzle that make up the last couple of years of my life.
Its time I journey forward…Its time I look beyond the today and into the tomarrow of the infinate chasm that lies vaporously before me.
If my destiny is not shared as a moth to a flame then it is time to journey forward into the reckoning of what is to be.
The sheer bordom of normalcy is a transparent waste of my time.
Living as if today is important is lifeless,as opposed to what the destiny of tomarrow has for me…
I teach my kids that…ALL my kids….today only matters because it takes you to tomarrow…you MUST focus on tomarrow…what is to be…and today is the step towards that!
sounds simple and theropy-like…but the truth of it is…tomarrow this will be a funny story…everything is funny..later…don’t take yourself so seriously. if you don’t like what is happeneing in your life change it! you alone are the creator of your destiny. re-invent yourself.
Lifes rapture can strangle you if you hold onto to tightly the belief that you or any other human knows what is good for you and your life.

…Continuing the conversation I have with myself whenever I find that I am all alone. Reflective thought is that way I make choices, yet as of late I have not had much reflective thoughts. I have been reacting to stimulas instead of acting on a belief I hold inside my soul.
ahhhh Its been way to long since I have stared at a blank white computer screen and written my thoughts.
I am not sure where Iwent…I only recognize that I have become who I had been without the liberty of bringing the new things I have learned forward…
Im not sure what you see when you look at me, but im pretty sure your concept is inept.
The world I see around me is to……..diminishing, to drastic, to mundane, to literal…
I miss Mary world………Marys world is pristine, concise, free, non judgmental…
Creating a life I can be happy in is random yet filled with purpose if you merley look at me long enough to see past my many,many pairs of shades that I must wear to hide the fear in my eyes…even as they prominantly drown out the glare of judgmental cruelty that I cannot abide in.
Exposing my weakness as you diligently hide yours makes me feel very,very dirty…and not in the way I prefer!
I don’t know…I travel the road put before me and I recognize little things about the people I collide with. Sometimes I see greatness trying to emerge…like a butterfly emerging from its caccoon…wings wet, legs whobbly, tenative glaces as they hide behind their supressed emotions.
Worse then becoming like the billions of other butterflys…it is not merely the fact that they have setteld to become like the others it is the fact that they could not truly see themselves as the anomaly that they were to become…worse yet for me I must watch the wind rip their wings from their back as they search for a safe place to land. ahhh, the search for greatness continues…

fragmented thoughts make sense...if you listen

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher. ~Ambrose Bierce, Epigrams

Perfection in my personal analysis of myself.
If everybody contemplates the infinite instead of fixing the drains, many of us will die of cholera. ~John Rich

…and this makes complete sense to me…I wish I wish I wish I could just turn my mind off and stop contemplating …why,why,why…and fix a damn drain. If it were only so simple.
I try very, very hard to just …to just be…and then the infinite thoughts come and I must attack them with my mind and dance around the ideas until it makes some kind of sense to me...or there is absolutely no rest for my brain… nothing shuts down the process of deliberation for me…NOTHING. The endless questioning inside my mind turns and turns and questions endlessly until I find the answer…and it almost never fixes a drain…although sometimes it does!
……A secret to the universe is that if you pose a question to the universe...the universe will try to answer you… you must be patient…it will answer, it must… or I am completely mad…but I don’t think I am.
I met this dude one time and he showed me patterns on the ground that had just appeared out of no where…he kept seeing the same pattern everywhere he went. the pattern would just appear out of no where…from a rain puddle to a clump of bushes… the very same pattern.
…copious amounts of Risperdal could not erase the message he was receiving.
JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ
I know this other dude that had the same sentence spoken to him over and over again from different people…the same thought given to him over and over and over again…he knew it was crazy…he asked to be given more anti-phycotic meds…the sentence was making him crazy…He was woken in the middle of the night with this simple thought… he heard it on tv.(the report written was that he was extremely psychotic and he thought his tv was sending him messages)…but the thought kept building and building… he saw it on street signs…every random word spoken to him related to that thought… extra injections were given…constant supervision was given…he became very agitated if you spoke to him while he was busy having his own personal thought… he had to have the end of the thought…he thirsted for it…his hunger for the end of the thought. the thought was to be engulfed and filtered and then released…
……………after the all the injections and proposed supervision was given…he was still what we clinically termed…‘bat shit crazy’. I asked to go and have a moment with him… after much deliberation I was allowed to go…alone…no one else was brave enough…dude was utterly insane. unable to speak about anything but his thought…and his thought was so fragmented that he could not gather it all together to make sense, for the rest of the world. it only made sense to him…and any other schizophrenic psycho that was not stuck in their the middle of their own madness at the time.
………………..crazy gets crazy…it just does…unless of course they are both psychotic at the time. at which time the conversation is just great amusement… but I digress…………
……………………dudes mumblings did not make sense to the outside world that ran from his crazy ass… they didn’t stop to listen…..
…………………..The stench from his constantly pacing form made rational people keep their distance…. crazy is contagious……….
……………………..When I looked into his eyes…because believe it or not…crazy people do have feelings… when I really looked at him with compassion…I saw the dude I had known before trying desperately trying to get out…he was valiantly stuck inside his own mind…a prisoner of his own thoughts…or voices or what ever the norms like to call it…. He knew he was crazy…and he was stuck….
……………………………wild misconception………. crazy people know they are being crazy….that’s where the clinical term isolation comes from…sometimes…. sometimes isolation merely means we wont let YOU in the fucking door! write isolating on the fucking admit slip baby! see if they keep me locked up when I am being no harm to anyone else, just isolating…or cooking up a great fucking thought!
…………………………..sorry,sorry sorry…its my blog though…I can be socializing psycho if I want, right!
……………..when I looked into his eyes…I could see him trapped inside…my heart broke into a thousand pieces…my mouth took off without my brain…again.
….
“tell me your thought” I begged.
itscrazyitscraqzyitscrazy’ spiraled out of his clenched lips. the pain of trying to keep his fragmented mind in one piece was almost to much to bear. He anticipated fear and departure from me…I did not give it to him… I plopped down on the dirty nasty floor and swatted scurrying roaches as I begged him to tell me his story. His face contorted with extreme pressure as he tried to find his way to the surface. I waited patiently…I would not look at the time on my phone…as time would stand still until I heard him escape from himself… I would lie my ass off in the next meeting in order to release him from his prison of fear… in short, fuck them and the people who try to cure us. I knew the cure…it was absolution and sometimes absolution does not come in the form of an hour.
He stood to his feet in a jerking movement and when I did not jump up to run away he looked down at me and melted to the floor himself. ( do not try this at home…teehee, I’m a fucking idiot) I will fear no evil I will fear no evil was on repeat in my brain…we do not fight against flesh and bone…
……………as he positioned himself cross legged on the floor across from me…we smoked Marlboro reds until his story could be dissected then discarded…and when his story…his thought was fragmented together patiently…put into order…then it could either be analyzed for safe keeping or discarded forever…but make no fucking mistake it had to be analyzed to the end.
………………….thoughts are like that with FUBAR people… My family explains my strange behavior this way…she just thinks to much…ya…simply put…I THINK WAY TO FUCKING MUCH!

(If your wondering about the secret to his universe he shared with me...you will just have to wonder into oblivion…it is NOT my story to tell…I know many, many secrets…I know great stories…but they are not mine to share…that would be a great raping of a soul I could not fathom …we each have our own….I choose to share mine…because I must…others choose to smoke theirs away…others hide from theirs…lunacy is a hiccup in the middle of breathing…sometime you choke…but sometimes a friend comes along and pats you on the back until you can catch your breath… a true friend keeps your secrets)

considering love...

So, we had a great discussion in the dorm yesterday. I love working with thinking people, that have opinions and talk about it to the fullest degree. I have worked many jobs this past year, but I have to say working with these people are like going to college again. Everyone has their own thoughts and ideas and love to discuss world events, human emotions, and perspectives. great,great,great…
personal thoughts were spoken, opinions boiled over, amusement was my constant companion. Dang I love smart people!
The conversation in question was about…love.
hahahaha…we had a huge four hour argument over…love
That makes me ponder my own thoughts and my own personal relationships…that is why I love discussing life with smart people.
Anyway, Love…my point was love is an action word…not necessarily just an emotion, although love is feeling, it is merely an extension (action) of how you feel about a person. A person who is your lover, your friend, your any person you have a relationship with.
Multifaceted extremes swirl into a kaleidoscope of thoughts on this huge discussion. I don’t have the attention span to cover the entire episode, but this is the thought I took away from the talk.
I figured out a lot about love after I had my children… before that I only thought I loved someone. Love is a definite feeling(emotion) you have ,yet you must nurture it…act on it, show love or it remains merely a feeling that will fade over time.
for instance…I love this guy. I show him love in many ways. He shows me love in many ways. But alas love is an action word…or it should be, because once he stops showing you love…you lose interest. It becomes boring, uninteresting, mundane, and no longer relevant.
I take care of my children by taking care of their needs and I show love to my friends by doing the same thing, but once my friends cease to show me love that emotion, that feeling starts to fade and sooner rather then later it dies. it just does. I don’t think its selfish although we all know there is no such thing as an un selfish act.
Love is a two way street or it should be. If the act of loving is not returned then you have a funked up co-dependant relationship and someone gets used. So any thinking, intelligent person ends the relationship, because it has now become one sided, and boring…it just don’t feel good anymore.
anyway that was my consideration…

words that erupt from the silence withen...

lackluster monotony is a moment I do not wish to repeat...the duality of my twin existence baffles those around me, even as I am baffled by their monotone, bland existence.
RUPTURING THE HEADLINES OF MY MIND...whoops didn't mean to shout.
rupturing the headlines of my mind is a needed (gasp, uh, gasp,) release to rip me from...me.
duplicity is a common occurrence for me if not easily identifiable to those around me. My thoughts simply overrun each other, as they fight to be the thought for this moment.
going forward in reverse makes utter sense to me as I careen into the oblivion of what could be...one day...soon.
like minded souls intertwine to become something new... something possible in an impossible world.
my silence is deafening...dontlikeitdontlikeitdonltlikeit...
The clarity it brings will dispel the audacity around me...but then I am just forced to become differant...changed...altered.
continually churning nuances tease and tempt me without any reason for the urgings...it just does.
finding the colors inside the ideas that rape my mind makes me want to go all bat shit crazy...
silence...silence...silence...
whispered offerings are timid yet translucent... they mean me absolutely no harm...so they are not the purge I need to transcend this moment.
I need to free fall...
I need to become dangerous...
I need to climb the white vaporous clouds that dance lightly around my mind as I seek to recover my soul once again...
Silent lucidity beckons the monsters that beg to be heard if not seen.
grasping the edges of monotony tease me with the concept that I could somehow be one with my one moment...Icanticanticanticant
Boredom steals my future...

My latest descent into the rabbit hole…

Musings from an altered state…
I have traveled into the darkness, yet my resurface has a brighter level of clarity then any I have seen as of yet.
WTF do I mean???
While I continually refuse to name my ailment…because, I repudiate being their word. I have learned if I let someone name me then I am in danger of becoming what they say I am…as they will only see ANY of my behavior through the lenses of their said diagnosis. Still my obvious skipping over ‘their’ word for my continued weirdness gives them a little control over me…and that pisses me off.
Schizophrenia, Schizophrenia, Schizophrenia, Schizophrenia…
ahhh, feels good from this perspective, but I am sure my reader is cringing with fear, or rolling their eyes, or carefully averting their gaze… but alas…I do not write for the ‘right’ minded individuals…so you can move onto another bland way of disorganized thinking….I write for others like me…
My many conversations with others with diagnosis’ like mine has let me see the realities of life from a very strange advantage point. (Oh yes I said advantage NOT disadvantage, your social security check is a slap to my own sense of security).
Let us begin, I’m a crazy bitch…that’s right…that’s right…just like the song says….but I am really, really, really a crazy bitch. And I am ok with that so lets all work together to all be ok with…Hahahahahahahahhahahhahahhahahahahahahahah…. sorry…I love to mock the absurdity of psychoanalysis…
I think to better have an understanding of my personal thought process you must know this. I have been counseled, psycho analyzed, injected, confined, bound and gagged…ect…and the concept I wish to force on the world at large as they continuously force their view onto me is this…
I’m not saying be like me or think like me(God forbid)….But know and please refrain from trying to make me think like you. I cannot. I have lived most of my life trying to swallow your pills and your concepts and your ideas. I have pretended normalcy ,for normalcy’s sake. I have disappeared into my own personal rabbit hole when the voices command me to do so. I have been complacent when I need to be complacent. I have been silent when I know(the thoughts/voices warn me) you ache to lock me up. After all these years I can no longer ‘isolate’ because I frighten you with my thoughts. (I ponder is it the fact that I can think that frightens you or is it that I make you think that frightens you ?)
Wearing my own skin without apologies is a desire we, we schizophrenic scary, fucked up, multiple personality, voices hearing, seeing shit that you cant see, out of control, crazy, insane, FUBAR-ED(fucked up beyond belief) desire more then being released from what you call our insanity. We like our world. Its when your world collides with our world that we have a problem. Maybe its when your world wants to control us and we just want to be left the fuck alone with the imagined beauty in ours. OK, sometimes we can get a little bent. I admit it, but ask yourself this, if we are bent is it because we are bent or is it that have a great idea that we cant control and must follow it and we cant shower, get dressed, converse about anything else, go to work, be in the moment (I fucking hate trying to be in your moment when I am having my own).
……………………………gasp… taking a huge intake of air………………………………...........
I had to exist on the inside of rationality for a time. I tried to work inside the confines of mental health. They said they wanted to know, they needed to understand, they wanted to really truly help the completely fucked up, but they thought I was mildly fucked up…a little bi-polar, take a couple of pills and it be ok kind of fucked up, they had no Idea I represented the organism of insanity they valiantly fought with their swords of aversion and mind control.
I have a plethora of truly hysterical stories that will come out of this little endeavor of mine. Don’t worry they will come out and we will laugh and laugh and laugh…
ok, so the end of this rant is simple. In the words of a good friend and a passionate pastor , “while your trying to convert others to your belief. know that they are just as diligently trying to convert you to their beliefs.” What I took by his statement is simple. While you are meticulously putting band aides on gaping wounds, covering up real feelings with little pills… trying to control the uncontrollable, hugging the insane with their own arms, they might just be trying to tell you a secret,
…..shhhhhh it is a secret that we know, the ones before us knew it , after their death you herald them as great and mighty thinkers, so be careful of the labels you carelessly place on our souls today. Your children’s children may be reading about our thoughts and reveling in the ‘new’ notions you tried to heroically suffocate.

( for the metal heath world that may one day read this there is a dictionary or thesaurus at your disposal on any computer, I’m just saying, if you want to keep up with me)

learn-gasm

Learn-gasm

I love that word… let me explain why. But first let me tell you about how I discovered it.
Please know first and foremost… I’m a geek, a nerd… I f’ng love to look unusual stuff up on the internet. yes ,yes I do have a facebook, myspace, ect…but that is not my drive, my passion.
I used to ALWAYS hang out in the library. Yep, I rocked that library, baby. I love the smell of old books, but even more then that I love to find a book that hasn’t been touched in awhile and discover truths that have sense passed into fallacies. I love knowledge. Not for knowledge sake, but because it makes my brain tickle. It makes me feel good! and we all know I love to feel good!….did I hear an amen???!!!
I love new thoughts…something I didn’t know before. Maybe because I grew up very, very slowly… what I mean is that I thought that the world consisted of parties and playing, so when I learn something…. its brand fucking new to me…I didn’t know that…really, really didn’t know that. So in essence any thought deeper then a new white line on a hand held mirror is a new thought for me! Maybe that’s why I hang out with people younger then me…I’m their same age mentally! I partied through the years I was supposed to be thinking and discovering.
Anyway, I continually look up broken word thoughts and see where it takes me…and sometimes its delicious!
One day I was looking up, uh… I think it was great thinkers…and bam! the word learn-gasm popped up on the screen. I unreservedly get that thought! When I am in the middle of a great discovery…a new train of thought….a prose that I have never thought of… and then I find it written somewhere…anywhere. I experience a earth shattering, trembling to my toes kinda learn -gasm! oh oh oh oh! so delicious!!!!! wah-bang!!! complete submission to the sensation until I can become one with the thought/feeling. In absolute anticipation of when I come to the end….you have to excuse my pun!
Learn-gasm…. can you feel it???
Every now and then I start to take myself way to fucking seriously… In the middle of my search for my finishing …uh, my own personal ‘gasm‘, I have a propensity to climb inside my head….and then off I go inside my head and people start looking at me weird…and try to make me take medicine. Humph! all I really ever need is a…learn-gasm! a way to push my thought all the way through to the end! To a fucking great finish! teehee, That song by Jackyl… ‘dirty little mind’ is on repeat inside my brain!
…….ok ok ok so now you know… ya prolly know more about me then you intended.