Oh no oh no oh no….I need to go to sleep but my mind is racing. I cant stop thinking…and I don’t really want to. Writing to me is like reading…only backwards. I mean its not as if I get to make things happen that I want to happen…the story takes over and I end up just as surprised as anyone elses reading it. I love the place in my head I go to when I write…I used to be afraid when I had my girls, I thought I would go there and not remember to come back, and what if the girls needed me. silly thought I know. I think only other writers or true lunatics would understand that statement. There is just this wonderful place inside my head that makes my breathing in and out much easier. the world is less intense when I visit there regularly.
I saw a star fall from the sky tonight. the racing red color shot across the dark,black sky. the colors that radiated from its passing was illuminating as it passed over my head. I searched the night sky to find the reason for its release. The star seemed to be running from something or someone. The path it made as it ascended illumination brought fresh thoughts to my mind. I thought of ice cold crisp fall mornings. rapturous love radiated from my mind as I watched the star disappear from my view. I aimlessly let my mind wonder to the place in the sky it must have run to.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
short thoughts I will elaborate on....
My spiritial journey continues…
I made my way through to the surface of reality once again…on my own.
Over the years I have asked for help from different organizations…I wish I would stop forgetting everything I have learned. I had to go back over my writings to find the surface again…so, again me and God have it all sorted out again! Don’t misunderstand I am NOT refering to a church I have never felt anything but scorn from them. No I mean the real deal, the alpha the omega, the one who created me this way despite the constant desire of others to change me.
My flowery speech is mine…u may not come and change it.
My thought process may be different…u cannot force reality on me.
My need to go into my head and drive out the negative…while it may be bizzare it is a nessasary way to purge the nastiness of this world.
You see I was never created for this world…that would be your mistake in your thought process.
I will never be able to become like you…why should I want to.
I don’t need to be cured…there is none.
I merely need to focus on the truth…and not to be told that I am insane becouse I really deeply believe in the scriptures.
When I think of all the others that are forced to live under the strain of your diagnosis…when all they really need is to hear the truth of the scripture…becouse the devil knows the word,and as long as he can distract,convice and lie…he wins.
Schitzophrenia is a way to describe sumone who is…
1. delusional…(believing in a world u cant see)
Christ was completely delusional…He spoke of a place they had never fathomed.
2. hear voices/thoughts…( do you not hear God speaking to you,and if yes then you most certainly hear the other side,as this is their world)
3. See things in a way that other people do not see. (please don’t blame me for your shortsidedness..I ANSWER TO A HIGHER CALLING.)
4. paranoia…If you know that people are secretly diagnosing and picking apart everything you do…uh,its not paranoia it’s fact.
5. disorganized speech…maybe just maybe I am thinking about something more important then which way I am going to drive home tonight.
igtg…but I just wanted to begin a little reality check!
I made my way through to the surface of reality once again…on my own.
Over the years I have asked for help from different organizations…I wish I would stop forgetting everything I have learned. I had to go back over my writings to find the surface again…so, again me and God have it all sorted out again! Don’t misunderstand I am NOT refering to a church I have never felt anything but scorn from them. No I mean the real deal, the alpha the omega, the one who created me this way despite the constant desire of others to change me.
My flowery speech is mine…u may not come and change it.
My thought process may be different…u cannot force reality on me.
My need to go into my head and drive out the negative…while it may be bizzare it is a nessasary way to purge the nastiness of this world.
You see I was never created for this world…that would be your mistake in your thought process.
I will never be able to become like you…why should I want to.
I don’t need to be cured…there is none.
I merely need to focus on the truth…and not to be told that I am insane becouse I really deeply believe in the scriptures.
When I think of all the others that are forced to live under the strain of your diagnosis…when all they really need is to hear the truth of the scripture…becouse the devil knows the word,and as long as he can distract,convice and lie…he wins.
Schitzophrenia is a way to describe sumone who is…
1. delusional…(believing in a world u cant see)
Christ was completely delusional…He spoke of a place they had never fathomed.
2. hear voices/thoughts…( do you not hear God speaking to you,and if yes then you most certainly hear the other side,as this is their world)
3. See things in a way that other people do not see. (please don’t blame me for your shortsidedness..I ANSWER TO A HIGHER CALLING.)
4. paranoia…If you know that people are secretly diagnosing and picking apart everything you do…uh,its not paranoia it’s fact.
5. disorganized speech…maybe just maybe I am thinking about something more important then which way I am going to drive home tonight.
igtg…but I just wanted to begin a little reality check!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
I guess its time to put into place all the jagged little pieces of the puzzle that make up the last couple of years of my life.
Its time I journey forward…Its time I look beyond the today and into the tomarrow of the infinate chasm that lies vaporously before me.
If my destiny is not shared as a moth to a flame then it is time to journey forward into the reckoning of what is to be.
The sheer bordom of normalcy is a transparent waste of my time.
Living as if today is important is lifeless,as opposed to what the destiny of tomarrow has for me…
I teach my kids that…ALL my kids….today only matters because it takes you to tomarrow…you MUST focus on tomarrow…what is to be…and today is the step towards that!
sounds simple and theropy-like…but the truth of it is…tomarrow this will be a funny story…everything is funny..later…don’t take yourself so seriously. if you don’t like what is happeneing in your life change it! you alone are the creator of your destiny. re-invent yourself.
Lifes rapture can strangle you if you hold onto to tightly the belief that you or any other human knows what is good for you and your life.
Its time I journey forward…Its time I look beyond the today and into the tomarrow of the infinate chasm that lies vaporously before me.
If my destiny is not shared as a moth to a flame then it is time to journey forward into the reckoning of what is to be.
The sheer bordom of normalcy is a transparent waste of my time.
Living as if today is important is lifeless,as opposed to what the destiny of tomarrow has for me…
I teach my kids that…ALL my kids….today only matters because it takes you to tomarrow…you MUST focus on tomarrow…what is to be…and today is the step towards that!
sounds simple and theropy-like…but the truth of it is…tomarrow this will be a funny story…everything is funny..later…don’t take yourself so seriously. if you don’t like what is happeneing in your life change it! you alone are the creator of your destiny. re-invent yourself.
Lifes rapture can strangle you if you hold onto to tightly the belief that you or any other human knows what is good for you and your life.
…Continuing the conversation I have with myself whenever I find that I am all alone. Reflective thought is that way I make choices, yet as of late I have not had much reflective thoughts. I have been reacting to stimulas instead of acting on a belief I hold inside my soul.
ahhhh Its been way to long since I have stared at a blank white computer screen and written my thoughts.
I am not sure where Iwent…I only recognize that I have become who I had been without the liberty of bringing the new things I have learned forward…
Im not sure what you see when you look at me, but im pretty sure your concept is inept.
The world I see around me is to……..diminishing, to drastic, to mundane, to literal…
I miss Mary world………Marys world is pristine, concise, free, non judgmental…
Creating a life I can be happy in is random yet filled with purpose if you merley look at me long enough to see past my many,many pairs of shades that I must wear to hide the fear in my eyes…even as they prominantly drown out the glare of judgmental cruelty that I cannot abide in.
Exposing my weakness as you diligently hide yours makes me feel very,very dirty…and not in the way I prefer!
I don’t know…I travel the road put before me and I recognize little things about the people I collide with. Sometimes I see greatness trying to emerge…like a butterfly emerging from its caccoon…wings wet, legs whobbly, tenative glaces as they hide behind their supressed emotions.
Worse then becoming like the billions of other butterflys…it is not merely the fact that they have setteld to become like the others it is the fact that they could not truly see themselves as the anomaly that they were to become…worse yet for me I must watch the wind rip their wings from their back as they search for a safe place to land. ahhh, the search for greatness continues…
ahhhh Its been way to long since I have stared at a blank white computer screen and written my thoughts.
I am not sure where Iwent…I only recognize that I have become who I had been without the liberty of bringing the new things I have learned forward…
Im not sure what you see when you look at me, but im pretty sure your concept is inept.
The world I see around me is to……..diminishing, to drastic, to mundane, to literal…
I miss Mary world………Marys world is pristine, concise, free, non judgmental…
Creating a life I can be happy in is random yet filled with purpose if you merley look at me long enough to see past my many,many pairs of shades that I must wear to hide the fear in my eyes…even as they prominantly drown out the glare of judgmental cruelty that I cannot abide in.
Exposing my weakness as you diligently hide yours makes me feel very,very dirty…and not in the way I prefer!
I don’t know…I travel the road put before me and I recognize little things about the people I collide with. Sometimes I see greatness trying to emerge…like a butterfly emerging from its caccoon…wings wet, legs whobbly, tenative glaces as they hide behind their supressed emotions.
Worse then becoming like the billions of other butterflys…it is not merely the fact that they have setteld to become like the others it is the fact that they could not truly see themselves as the anomaly that they were to become…worse yet for me I must watch the wind rip their wings from their back as they search for a safe place to land. ahhh, the search for greatness continues…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)